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August 6, 2020

Comments | Return to Story

LizMay 27, 2016

Thank you! So glad to read this article. I can't tell you how many times I was blamed for my spouse's actions, even when it was physical violence. "Well, if only YOU would....or would not....". I even had a marriage counselor tell me I should be grateful for a husband who would say such lovely things about me in public....never mind the awful things he said behind closed doors...

JudithMay 27, 2016

Thank you for daring to say what I have known for a long time. Too many women (and perhaps men, too) are held guilty when spouses stray or the marriage becomes abusive. No one, Church leader or not, knows what was involved in a relationship, and especially in the case of a temple marriage, there is enough guilt to last a lifetime even when events were out of the partner's control.

violaMay 27, 2016

I appreciate someone clarifying this.. It was not the emotional abuse and infidelity that ended our marriage but that there was no remorse or repentance for these actions only excuses

EveMay 27, 2016

Nothing gets me more riled up then hearing, 'it takes two to tango.' I've seen, on more than one occasion, where an abusive spouse blames their own behavior on their husband or wife. "If you were a better house cleaner, (cook, provider, etc...) I wouldn't terrorize the family the way I do." It can be so disheartening to hear, "Well, it takes two to tango..." Of course, there's fault in every person, but to equate someone leaving their socks on the floor to emotional or physical abuse, is truly warped.

Mike M.May 27, 2016

As a ward clerk I attended a disciplinary council for a sister who had committed adultery, and after a sufficient period of genuine repentance, she was reinstated into full fellowship. Although this sister was attractive, intelligent, talented, kind, and a devoted mother, her husband frequently criticized and belittled her throughout their marriage. After she met a man who treated her with kindness and respect, she broke her temple covenant. Her husband did not forgive her and divorced her. As she told her story, we all wept with her. I don't excuse her transgression, but I put much of the blame on her husband.

SarahMay 27, 2016

Thank you for clarifying what should be obvious. When a person chooses to break the commandments it's not the sin of the other spouse. Let's stop blaming the victims of abuse (infidelity is emotional abuse) for causing the bad behavior. Making excuses by pointing fingers at the injured spouse only adds to the trauma and prevents the perpitrator from acknowledging the truth. It also negates the agency of both spouses with the mentality that neither can think or act independently.

JanetMay 27, 2016

Thank you for this. My bishop tried to blame me for my divorce despite the fact my former husband was having sexual relations with a number of women and threatening to hit me. Then my former husband's bishop told him my getting angry about his behavior was because of female hormones. We need some lessons taught to our priesthood leaders before they are ever allowed to give counsel.



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