"if you have raised them with the gospel, sooner or later they will return to activity."
I know you are trying to give these heart broken people hope, but hope can sometimes paralyze. Sometimes they won't return to activity. If our hope and love is on that basis we will continue in heart ache. Loving our children when they turn against us and or our values for whatever reason is heart wrenching on a daily basis. It is hard, but necessary. But don't hold out that they will return to us in full or to the gospel ever in our life time or at all. Just love them. I'm trying to do just that and it is so emotionally draining. I have to lean on the Lord and my good husband daily.
We too adopted a son. In fact, I also have 6 stepchildren. I have told ALL my children, including the 3 birth children, that they ALL belong to Heavenly Father. I have had the privilege to raise them, and love them, but someday I will have to account to my Heavenly Father, how well did you love your children? If I do the job right, they will go and get married, and then have families of their own. Relationships are difficult. Loving people is difficult. As much as we want control, these are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. Hey, having two fathers who will love you isn't a bad thing. Having two mothers love you isn't so bad either. I wish you all the best, if you have raised them with the gospel, sooner or later they will return to activity. Sometimes people have a great longing for the birth family, and all we can do is say I hope you're happy. We love you too. There is nothing wrong with letting people decide for themselves who to spend time with, who they should marry, and who they should love. My children's birth father paid next to nothing to help raise them. I told the step kids it doesn't matter. I love them, it will all work out. I think too many times people get "sealed" to these children, and think they now have a title to them like a car. Getting sealed means they are entitled to all the blessings promised us in the temple. Learn patience, don't rush people, nor take away their ability to love others, and you'll find yourself happier, and glad you trusted in the Lord.
I don't understand, the father has to give up parental rights for the adoption to happen. My daughter went through LDS Services - unless the state makes the difference - the father had to be found and sign his rights away. She was told that even if the mother claimed to not know who the father was and she did know, then legally she could be in trouble for perjury. I'm thinking the father is lying to her. How sad when you consider the time and moneys and emotion involved in raising a child. My heart breaks for them.
Righteous behavior eventually leads to positive outcomes. Unrighteous behavior eventually leads to negative outcomes. This young woman's birth family have acted in such an insensitive, self-centered manner, I cannot see how they will be able to keep her under their spell for a long time. If they are callous enough not to pay due respect to the woman's adoptive parents, their callousness will eventually show up in the way they deal with their birth daughter. I do indeed believe that time will play in favor of the most deserving adoptive parents.
Wow---as a Mom I can feel how heart rending this would be!!! I bet if you focus on showing love for your daughter and just let her talk, without making defensive replies, she will eventually return to you and the church. If she feels no pressure from you, I think she will be more willing to recognize the fact that you are her true family. She is very young and probably carried away into a fairytale fantasy about this "new" family, This "newness" will wear off when reality hits. I would imagine she is in for an emotional roller coaster ride, and she will probably need your support and love when she experiences a let-down with these people.
This was a perfect response. Really. I think we can all trust you, Brother Steurer for good insight and counsel.
This new column popped up just as I was about to make a comment on last week's column and I really want to tell that sister who wrote something. So, sister, if you are reading this---or any other of our peers who can relate to the feeling of being left out of any combination of family relationships, I'll just say, read Anne Tyler's "Back When We Were Grownups" . It helps put things in perspective when you feel like a nerd trying to get in with the popular kids, even when it's your own family!
2 years ago our adopted daughter found her birthmom. She was only 17, so we still had some controll. Unfortunately, our daughter did as this young lady re: gospel living. However, they were both taught the gospel when they were young and had love and safety. It is very hard to watch our beloved child make very bad decisions. As soon as she could our daughter moved to another state to live with her birth family. This hurt very much but it hurt my husband terribly. We decided to continue to give her unconditional love, support and put her name on temple rolls. Plus we have had friends and family pray mightily for our little girl. Then Heavenly Father told us to move to the same city as the birth parents, which we did. The birthparents have been very nice to us, but still we felt that they were usurping our roles as parents. However, our daughter always turned to us when she needed anything. We have always tried to be there for her. Just in the last month we can see her maturing and is now living with us again. The Lord has continually told us that everything will be all right. Our daugter is sealed to us. Now she is moving away from both families. The Lord has blessed us with such great opportunities that we will not be moving. I know it is extremely hard, but love you child unconditionally, pray, pray and pray some more and be there for her. Smile and keep you cool around the birth families. Then wait on the Lord.
My son who is now 37 has been doing drugs since he was 10 years old. He has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He has been through several rehab programs, however he does not want to get off drugs. He has been in jail numerous times. He will not seek help for himself or make any effort to live a decent life.
I have been divorced since he was 3, so I feel somewhat responsible for problems I may have caused for him. I do have 3 other children who are very productive members of society. Everyone else in the family has turned their backs on my son and won't have anything to do with him. They advise me to stay away from him, mainly for my personal safety.
I feel like I should do what I can for him as his mother. Also, the scriptures tell us to care for the poor and needy, so I feel like I should help him. I don't know where to draw the line between personal safety, manipulation, verbal abuse, and doing what I can to help. I am 70 years old and know I can't help him forever.
I am in need of professional advisement and appreciate your help.
Thank you in advance! Barbara Carroll
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