Editors note: This article originally ran on the website of licensed marriage and family therapist Jonathan Decker. It is reprinted with permission.
In 2005 one of my BYU buddies lost his mother to terminal illness. My heart broke for him: I was close with my mom and struggled to comprehend what it would be like if she died. Although I wanted to be there for him, I found myself frozen into inaction, intimidated by the enormity of his loss. I felt inadequate in the face of it. Nothing I could say or do would take away the pain he was feeling. I didn’t know what he was going through by experience and therefore felt that I had no place to give advice or comfort. So, to my shame, I did nothing, leaving the consoling to his closer friends and family while I sympathized from a distance.
The next year my own mother unexpectedly passed away, and the reality of my friend’s pain took on a terribly immediacy. The tables were turned and I found myself on the receiving end of people’s awkward inability to approach the mourner. Perhaps they felt inadequate in the face of my loss. Maybe they thought that discussing anything “day-to-day” or “normal” with me might be insensitive. Whatever the reasons, the result was that I felt isolated when I most needed support.
People regularly asked my best friend how I was doing. He told them that they should ask me themselves and that I’d probably appreciate the connection. Still, many held back and it was a lonely time. With new understanding, I called my other buddy, the one whose mother had died the year before, to apologize for leaving him out in the cold when he needed me. We had a great conversation and came to the same conclusion: we didn’t need anyone to “make it better.” We just needed them to openly care. We needed to not feel alone.
It really doesn’t take much. Sometimes, after condolences are expressed, mourners need a laugh or to talk about something “normal.” It helps them to feel that their life will go on. Most importantly, remember that after the initial flood of support in the first few weeks and months, everyone else moves on while the mourner is often still grieving. They will feel that absence for the rest of their lives. This is not to say they’ll never feel joy or normalcy again. It’s just a reminder, for the rest of us, to check in once and a while. We will all experience the pain of loss. We can also experience the hope and love that comes when we “mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9).
Jonathan Decker is a licensed marriage and family therapist providing face-to-face counseling as well as online webcam sessions. He is the co-host of The KJZZ Movie Show on KJZZ-TV in Utah. His book, 250 Great Movies for Latter-day Families is now available to purchase from Cedar Fort Publishing. Jonathan reviews Hollywood films from a Latter-day Saint perspective at www.mormonsatthemegaplex.com. He is married with four children.
Been ThereAugust 5, 2014
When our baby died, not a man approached me. The rejection when I needed fellowship of other men the most sent me into severe depression and almost-suicide; the baby's death was easy compared to the rejection. I learned from that - when there is a tragedy, my hand is extended every single week when I see them at church. I also warn them that I'm a hugger and they'd better tell me if they DON'T want to be hugged. I let them know that when I ask how they are doing, I really DO want to know. And then I listen. Where I'm allowed I do other things to fellowhip, but you have to know the person and know what their needs are as well as their limits.
MaryannAugust 2, 2014
Many years ago I had a baby girl who lived for only 5 hours. I was astonished when a church member responded by telling me how WONDERFUL that was because I had a baby guaranteed to me in the Celestial Kingdom. His "CONGRATULATIONS!" attitude was so insensitive I could hardly believe it. His tone of voice suggested that I had just won the lottery. Years later My precious Grandmother died. As I grieved for her, I had yet another church member express impatience that I was mourning for someone who was so old and ready to die. When my mother was dying from cancer, ANOTHER church member made the comment, "Well--we're ALL dying!" Needless to say, as members of the church, we need to eliminate these insensitive, flip comments. Instead of dismissing the real pain of losing a loved one, we need to allow the bereaved to feel what they are feeling, and to offer compassion in our words and actions. Skip the "pat" comments, allow them to express their grief, and give them a hug.