The following was originally published as Chapter 1 of the Authors’ Book: Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress, and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
*JEFF*
I spent almost a decade of my middle years in the Latter-day Saint mid-singles’ community, both in dating and in friendship. I have known the pain of divorce and the ups and downs of single life. Perhaps more than any other, one experience inspired me to write this book. In a mid-singles Facebook group for Church members, one participant asked: “How long has it been since your last real date?” The answers were astonishing. A few (including me) said they had been on dates recently. But a vast number of responses were “fourteen years,” “three years,” “ten years,” and so on. Numerous Latter-day Saint members of a Facebook dating group had not been on a date in several years. Many had not dated in decades.
Why would so many people who joined and actively participated in an online dating group go years without venturing out on a real date? Usually, the answer boils down to fear. Whether we came to be single through divorce, death, or have not yet married, we have experienced pain and disappointment. Such trauma understandably creates anxiety about risking further pain. A fear of rejection is understandable when we have had a lifetime supply of rejection within failed marriages or earlier attempts at relationships. Other single parents with extensive work, Church or family commitments may not feel they have time for dating, or fear bringing new people into their children’s lives.
Whatever the reasons, it remains true that many mid-singles who would like to date and develop relationships are rarely if ever dating. Many have much to offer but feel unnoticed by people they might like to date. Many despair that they are perpetually relegated to “the friend zone” – good enough to be the best friend but not good enough to be the girlfriend or boyfriend. Perhaps others feel socially awkward and unable to be confident with attractive people of the opposite sex.
I will begin discussing these issues with these wise words (attributed to various authors): “Every accomplishment begins with the decision to try.” We will share what we have discovered about building confidence and creating beautiful relationships. For now, begin by making a decision to try. Kneel and commit to God. Do not be wishy-washy or equivocal. Don’t tell your friends and family that you are willing to get married only “if the right one comes along.” Exercise your God-given agency and commit to intentionally create a richer and fuller life, including dating relationships. Throughout this book, we will discuss how to go about it. For now, make the courageous decision to try.
Let your efforts include living life at a higher level. I am not suggesting the “do more – try harder” approach that is so common in our Latter-day Saint culture. I am suggesting a more hopeful approach to your life. In 1996 President Hinckley gave some wise counsel that was perfect for my mid-single dating career:
When I was much younger there was a popular song which said, “Accentuate the positive.” Attitude has more to do with personality, with attractiveness, with getting along with others than does any other attribute. The scripture states that “as [a man or woman] thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Prov. 23:7).
To you single women and men who wish to be married I say this, Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably.
As President Hinckley said, do not give up trying. If you have previously given up, consider making a renewed commitment to try. Perhaps deciding to read this [article] was your first step. Focus on being anxiously engaged in your life and pursuits you are passionate about. Let dating and developing relationships be one of those passions. Living your life with purpose and passion will make you more attractive to others and life more rewarding.
* CATHY *
Like Jeff, I spent many years in the Latter-day mid-single community after my fourteen-year marriage ended. It took considerable effort to ease into that new mid-single status because after being married for so long, I did not know how to be single again. Over time, I was able to intentionally create the best possible life for myself in unexpected circumstances. No one gets married to get divorced so it generally takes us by surprise. No one who has stayed single into mid-life, but wanted marriage and family, saw themselves staying single indefinitely, which also takes them by surprise. We hope this book brings you hope, empathy, and compassionate understanding from two people who have been there and know first-hand the many challenges you face!
We have heard from other mid-singles that most books on dating are written to youth and young adults, and don’t address the unique challenges of being single at middle age as members of a marriage and family oriented church. When we were in that position, we wished for mid-single dating material for us to read. Eventually, after many years of both positive and negative experience, and tremendous amounts of self-discovery, we felt inspired to write this book for other mid-singles. We hope your journey will be just as enjoyable, if not better, than ours was. We know you have the power to intentionally create your best life in whatever circumstances you currently find yourselves. Making the commitment to be courageous about dating as a mid-single may feel daunting. Hopefully this book will give you refined perspective, boosted enthusiasm, and beneficial ideas that will support you in your journey of finding love in later years.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
About the Authors
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email: lo**************@***il.com
