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Question
My husband and I share a large blended family of grown children and lots of grandchildren. We never have everyone home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but we usually have three or four families, which can be up to a dozen or so children and last for a week or more. It’s now almost the holidays and I’m wondering how to handle a problem.
We have always bought all the groceries and supplies for these times, which can be up to $1,000 for Thanksgiving through Christmas. Usually it takes us a couple of months for our budget to catch up. Now we find ourselves retired and all of our children making salaries much larger than ours, although we are doing all right. I don’t know how to approach them and ask for help with the expenses of the holidays.
I know them so well and they all have such different personalities that any way I picture asking, I know it won’t suit all of them. One would pull out his wallet, hand me a $100 bill and ask if I needed more, while one will want to organize days for each family to make a meal (that will bring its own problems!), and one will probably say they don’t have the money, even though they could if they tried. I would prefer just getting some money, such as $50 from each family, and doing the shopping beforehand.
Do I just tell them the situation and ask for donations and not care who gets upset? Should I talk to each one individually? Should I put out a donations jar?
Having my children upset with me, which doesn’t happen often, is the absolute worst. They all seem to love and care for me, but some of the siblings don’t always see eye-to-eye, so I don’t want to exacerbate those situations.
Any solution I come up with seems to have problems. At times, I think we’ll just keep on paying for it all and avoid any contention.
Answer
When you have this many personalities to accommodate, itâs impossible to make everyone happy. Youâre asking for help because you have real financial limitations that make these family gatherings extra stressful. At the same time, you also have a strong aversion to family conflict. I believe youâll resolve this internal dilemma when you can ask for what you need and allow everyone to adjust accordingly.
You might feel responsible to pay for everything because youâre hosting. While it might be a common perk to offer your guests free food, please recognize that this is only one way to do it. There is no rulebook for these things. If you truly want to create a emotionally loving environment for your guests, itâs best to eliminate the real sources of stress. Your stress comes from financial limitations and the subsequent frustration of no one chipping in to help with food.
You have some children who are more aware and others who are not. You have some that are stingy and others who are more generous. However, Iâm certain if they knew of your true need to have a simple and stress-free system for feeding everyone, they would gladly support you. But, if they want to fight it, theyâll at least know where you stand. You can have peace knowing youâve been clear with everyone about what you need. Your honesty with yourself and your family will provide the most peace for you, even if some arenât happy with it.
I suggest you send out an email or text to all of your children and their spouses explaining what you need from everyone. You can offer a short and simple explanation that the two of you love having everyone in your home, but no longer can financially afford to pay for the extra groceries. Be clear that this is hard for you because youâd love to be able to pay for everything and truly pamper them. Let them know that you would like each family to pay a certain amount (you mentioned $50, but make sure itâs an amount that wonât be so low that it continues to cause frustration and stress).
Pre-empt any meddling or suggestions by saying that you realize they may want to come up with their own solutions to this, but you need it to be simple and stress free. Express plenty of love and gratitude for their willingness to keep this simple and stress free for everyone.
Be careful to not give them any alternatives. If they need an exception or accommodation, they can approach you and work that out. My mom has a tongue-in-cheek sign hanging in her kitchen that says, âDinner choices: 1) Take it 2) Leave it.â You are offering your guests one option, which is to help you pay for groceries. Itâs that straightforward.
Now, what wonât feel straightforward to you are the emotions youâll feel after you send this direct message. Youâll sympathize with all of their different struggles you can imagine theyâll have with your request. Please donât complicate this in your own mind. If they have concerns, they can approach you directly. Let it be simple and stress free by making a request that will help offset your costs and your stress.
In my experience, most people are good and want to help. Iâm certain your children are no exception and will adjust to your new request. There may have been times when you could afford to feed everyone. Now is not that time, so make sure they know how you feel and what they can do to step up and help.=
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of âLove You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelityâ, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series âStrengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriageâ, available at www.geoffsteurer.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a masterâs degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
GeneseeOctober 23, 2017
In my family we are each assigned a dish to make, whether itâs a main dish or sides, although some of us do more and most of us, not all help with clean up it works well. Many hands make light work.
Gail BowmanOctober 21, 2017
Earlier this year was our 35th wedding anniversary. All the kids came home. We have 9 children, 6 married and 4 small grandchildren. So our small home is filled to the brim. I am getting tired of the stress and stain and expense of preparing and buying all the food even though food is my love language and I love all the kids being home. I talked to some of the girls about it because I wanted a change. They all decided to take a night to be incharge of a meal or joined up with another couple to make themeals for the week. I was Nervous and hesitant. I bought a bunch if extras to have on hand encase someone failed. It wasnât necessary. The kids really got into it and we had wonderful beautiful meals every night for a week! We found many new favorites as they each prepared their meal! They also cleaned up all the mess and dishes when it was their night to cook and I got more rest and time to really enjoy being with the family instead of in the kitchen alll the time. My advice. Let go and let the kids help out. They might enjoy it! It you just take their money youâre still working too hard and youâll regret it later when you canât do it any more physically. You need to pass the torch to the kids, you can still do your favorites, but let them take on the responsibility!