In the last four years, since Cathy and I published Intentional Courtship, one of the most common expressions we have heard is “God will bring me a wife” or “God will bring me a husband.” The slightly more cynical say things like, “If God wants me to get married, he knows where to find me!”

Let me say at the outset of this discussion that I will be among the last people to dictate to the Almighty the ways in which he cannot bless someone. And it is indeed within His power to bless you with meeting a potential spouse in unique or unusual ways.

Some believe handing the problem of finding a spouse completely over to the Lord is a manifestation of faith—a kind of faith that absolves them of taking any emotional risk. If the Lord is going to do everything “in His own time,” all I have to do is sit back and wait for the blessing to show up. That is comfortable, but false. I remember talking to a single man in his 50s at Church one Sunday who said, with some bitterness, “The gospel hasn’t really worked for me. I did everything right. I went on a mission and served honorably. I paid my tithing. I did my home teaching every month and served in every other way I was asked. But I have never been married, and I am alone.”

Let me be clear that there is no scriptural promise that serving God guarantees you a spouse. Paying your tithing can bring blessings—but is not a guarantee that you will get married. Home teaching (or now ministering) may help your odds if you happen to be called to minister to a suitable single sister—but that is far from guaranteed. You aren’t on a mission to find a spouse. In fact, dating is forbidden for missionaries. Think about these scriptural words:

“There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated” (D&C 130:20-21).

Finding a good spouse is not predicated upon the law of tithing, the calling by modern prophets to serve a mission, or church service, as important as all of these things are in their own right. Living by each of those principles can help create the kind of character that the right kind of potential dating partner might be attracted to.

I do believe that inviting the Lord into your dating journey is an act of faith and trust in his promise, “seek and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7).  But how do we exercise faith in this promise? Remember the passage where Peter saw Jesus walking on water and said, “bid me come unto thee on the water” (Matthew 14:28). That request required tremendous faith on Peter’s part. For a brief moment, Peter had the faith to abandon the safety of the boat for a stormy sea. For a brief moment, Peter walked on water. Sometimes when we want a blessing from the Lord, the miracle we are seeking requires us to get out of the boat—and getting out of the boat can be both thrilling and scary.

Asking someone for a date with the implied understanding that they might be your future eternal companion opens you up to the pain and embarrassment of rejection. Some of us have been hurt in earlier marriages or dating relationships and fear that history will repeat itself and subject us to further heartache. Just saying “Get out of the boat” might sound deceptively easy in the rarified atmosphere of gospel doctrine class. But keep in mind that Peter left the boat to walk on a stormy sea—something he had never seen done before that moment—without knowing what dangerous creatures or other hazards might lurk beneath the surface of the sea on a stormy night. Stepping out of the boat probably felt like stepping into the darkest abyss.

In his October 1991 talk Obtaining help from the Lord, Elder Richard G. Scott discussed an encounter he had with a single man who said, “’Why doesn’t the Lord give me a wife?’ as though an eternal companion were a teddy bear to be acquired with no thought of her agency.” Elder Scott further explained that, “it was obvious he was not doing the most fundamental things to qualify to find a wife. He admitted that maybe he should do something about his excessive weight, but that was hard. His clothes were slovenly, and his body so neglected that it was difficult to stand near him. Clearly, he is not doing his part.” Suggesting that this particular person was “not doing his part” to find a wife strongly suggests that he had a “part” to “do.” Again, that doesn’t mean God can’t bless any person at His pleasure. Not surprisingly, those who are most likely to find great companions are those who are actively looking for them, honoring the agency of their partners, and doing things that might make themselves more desirable companions themselves. That is the “law” upon which the blessing of an eternal marriage is “predicated.” When you are doing these things the best you can, then you can exercise faith that the Lord is already preparing someone for you as you continue to exercise faith and better yourself in anticipation of that blessing.

Both Cathy and I see the hand of God in bringing us together—and consider many of these events miraculous. Nonetheless, we each had moments that required us to get out of the boat. There were times when we had to go ahead and take the risk, knowing full well that we could get our hearts broken again. My friend Brandy Vega is fond of saying, “The Lord can’t guide your footsteps if you are standing still.” Just waiting for God to deliver your eternal companion to your front porch is against the natural way of things. If we want to find love, we have to risk and invest. And when that risk rewards us, it is made sweeter because it wasn’t bought cheaply.

Friends, if you want to find love, emotional risk is the price of admission—or the price of a chance. Many precious singles squander valuable months and years of their lives trying to contrive a method for finding love without risk. If there were a reliable way to find real love without emotional risk, the discoverer would be the wealthiest person on earth. But, the world being what it is, the way to find love is to simply accept the risk and trust it will pay off when the best person for you comes into your life.

Resource:

Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.

About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community, and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
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Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
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