Singles

For Latter-day Saints, divorce is almost always unexpected. We are the Church of eternal families and for those of us who were born in the Church and raised in intact families, we expect to raise intact families and center our lives around serving God in that pursuit. Divorce is a life curve we don’t anticipate—at least in the beginning. And it is usually very painful.  Elder Anthony D. Perkins said:

“Emotional suffering can arise from anxiety or depression; the betrayal of a spouse, parent, or trusted leader; employment or financial reversals; unfair judgment by others; the choices of friends, children, or other family members; abuse in its many forms; unfulfilled dreams of marriage or children; the severe illness or early death of loved ones; or so many other sources.”

When I finally understood that my (now former) wife did not want our marriage anymore, I literally felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I woke up to that feeling every morning, carried it around all day, and took it to bed every night. My pain was relentless and felt unbearable. As I have spoken to many large audiences about the pain of divorce, I have often asked the group to raise their hands if they had “the ache.” (Many did.) If you have suffered through an unwanted divorce, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, you can’t possibly understand the pain of those who have. The “ache” is a deep, hollow ache that comes from rejection, and is physically painful—unlike any other kind of emotional pain. When the “ache” afflicts you, it feels like it will never go away.

The Psalmist explains the pain of rejection by those we love:

“[I]t was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company” (Psalm 55:12-14).

Rejection by the companion you went with to the House of the Lord, entrusting your deepest secrets and a big part of your happiness, is a pain like no other. I have met many divorced Latter-day Saints who despair of ever being happy again. So many have plaintively asked, “When will I stop hurting?” If you have chosen to read this article, you have probably asked this question too.

Many (especially those who don’t know) have formulas for telling you how long you can expect to grieve. Some say you can expect it to last a year. Others suggest your grief will last a month for every year you were married. A myriad of other formulas have been dreamed up by armchair psychiatrists. I personally don’t think these formulas are very helpful. For one thing, every relationship and, indeed, every person is different.

How long you will grieve has much to do with your temperament and personality. Furthermore, the date on your divorce decree has little to do with how far along you are in the grieving process. Some believed their marriages were fine—until a spouse suddenly asked for a divorce, and they finalized just three months later. That is when grieving often begins. Others who may have had high conflict marriages and spent a long time living unhappily and come to terms with the marriage ending after a long and painful process may have completed the grieving process by the time the divorce case was filed. Often one spouse has almost fully grieved the marriage by the time he or she asks for the divorce, while his or her spouse may just be starting to grieve. So, the two spouses are often in very different places in the grief process for the same relationship.

With all this complexity, I can’t tell you how long you will grieve. But I can assure you that you will feel better again. I can also say with some authority that certain measures will greatly help to shorten the duration of your grief. I now know of significant things I could have done differently, which would have reduced my grieving process. I hope you will ponder how these ideas can be of help to you. The first four involve shifting your thoughts, and the last four are about small changes that will help you to recover and find restored happiness more quickly.

1. Let go of things you cannot control. Jesus said, in the Sermon on the Mount, “Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?” (Matthew 6:27). In this brief statement, Jesus is telling us not to worry about things we can’t control and trust God. This counsel even included letting go of the need to control things that are very important to us. Jesus also counseled us to “take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:31-33).Divorce has a way of showing us just how little control we have over a great many of the things we value highly. Could you stop your spouse from having an affair, leaving the Church, spending years being angry or depressed, or leaving you? No. People have their agency and often circumstances outside of our control create difficulties and pain. Attempts to seize control of things we can’t control is natural but futile, and only increases the pain and frustration caused by the person or thing we are grasping for.

   The good news is that Our Father in Heaven loves us—and no circumstance is beyond His control. While He allows us to go through trials to test our commitment to Him, He has promised “that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:22).

   Nearly ten years ago, I was laid off from my corporate job, went through a second divorce, my car died and, in the middle of all that chaos, I failed the Texas bar exam—all within two months. But if these things had not happened, I likely wouldn’t have Cathy and my stepsons. I would likely still be running oil and gas titles in East Texas instead of practicing my profession and making four times as much money. Things that looked like tragedies were moving me into some of the greatest blessings of my life. We don’t need to worry as much as we often do because a loving Heavenly Father keeps His promises.

2. You don’t need your former spouse to hurt or be sorry. In the wake of my divorce, many well-meaning friends said of my former wife, “Someday she’s going to regret giving you up!” I probably told myself that too. I know my friends only meant to be supportive. But I have learned that I don’t need her to have regrets or be unhappy to be happy myself. In fact, I wish her well and I genuinely hope she is happy. My happiness exists within myself and has nothing to do with my former wife. We are not in competition to see who is doing better post-divorce. Basing my happiness on her misery would be a hollow victory flowing from bitterness and revenge. Focusing on the blessings that have come into my life is what will bring me happiness—regardless of my former wife’s happiness or misery.
3. Gratitude is the key to happiness and trusting God is the key to peace. I can only enjoy any good thing to the extent that I appreciate it. When I focus on a blessing I savor and enjoy it more. Having lost two marriages, I never take my relationship with Cathy for granted. Instead, I am actively grateful for her and the fact that she chose me from among the many men who wanted to marry her. Letting go of anxiety and putting my trust in God brings a peace the world cannot understand. The Apostle Paul wrote that the keys to a peace amid the overwhelming troubles of the world are to let go of anxiety, embrace gratitude, and simply let God know what we want:“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Phillipians 4:6-7).

   The peace of God passes understanding because those who do not trust in Him can see no way to have inner peace amid the uncontrollable chaos of the world. The peace of Christ is not in your circumstances, but in your heart. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).

4. Your happiness does not depend on replacing your spouse as soon as possible. Latter-day Saint divorcees understandably feel a deep sense of loss in separating from an eternal companion that they are often tempted to replace as soon as possible. Others are in a hurry to replace a breadwinner or partner in running a house, and feel they need to get married for more practical reasons. Cathy has often stated publicly that she married soon after her divorce because she didn’t know how to be alone—which resulted in a second divorce a short-time later. Brief second marriages are shockingly common among Latter-day Saints.Cathy and I each did significant personal development work and healing before we married each other. Cathy also established a business and a life as a single woman where she did not feel a necessity to marry because she could not make it on her own. We each dated and got to know many people without feeling pressure to get committed too soon because we were miserable being single or afraid to be without a partner.

   Having said all this, I want to be clear that I am an advocate of divorced people remarrying and building happy lives with new partners. I am not encouraging divorced people to adopt the attitude I have sometimes heard expressed that “I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy” as if wanting to be married reflects some sort of personal deficiency or weakness. God has counseled us that, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18).

   So, I don’t suggest that you avoid remarrying. I merely suggest that “all these things are done in wisdom and order” (Mosiah 4:27). When you have been through a divorce, chances are good that you have experienced serious emotional trauma and are likely operating in a deficit of life energy. A new spouse is not the cure for that. I advise you to go into a new marriage prepared to give it the very best chance of success. This means, take some time to actively work through the pain you have experienced and take responsibility for your own part in the divorce. Do some personal development work. And get your finances in reasonable order so you are not a burden on your new spouse. But, in the meantime, dream! Journal about how you might like a new marriage to be different, what kind of person you would like to marry and how you might like to act differently when you have a chance to start all over with a clean slate.

5. Build a support system. When you go through a major loss, you need to talk. You need to tell the same stories over-and-over again because you are processing your pain. I intuitively understood that I would wear out any one friend. So, I reached out to lots of old friends from high school, my mission, college, cousins and others I had been close to at different times in my life. And they were so great! At first, I felt bashful about reaching out to people I hadn’t spoken to in 20 years to tell them I was going through a divorce. But, without exception, they were loyal and accepting. I built bonds with these friends that I may not have been able to create in any other way. And my friends were not just there to listen to me. Sometimes friends invited me to have dinner and watch a ball game or a movie. The opportunity to just associate with great people and do something fun can be very healing. Don’t underestimate it. You may feel awkward at first reaching out to people for support. Push past the reluctance and do it anyway.
6. Go to work and pay your bills. You will not feel like working and paying bills. For a time, you are going to feel miserable no matter what you do. You will be tempted to lay in bed and wallow. You will feel bad inside going to work and paying bills. But you will feel just as bad staying in bed and avoiding the world. You are going to feel bad for a while either way. But you prolong the agony if you get fired from your job, lose your business or your home, and rack up a bunch of debt. Give yourself some grace if your performance isn’t what you would expect of your usual, fully functioning self. So, when you don’t want to go to work, go anyway. When you don’t want to open your mail, open it anyway. When you are tempted to put off paying your bills or reconciling your bank account, do those things anyway.A few years ago, I looked at some of the work I had done for clients during the worst part of my divorce journey. I was worried that it was going to be really embarrassing. But it was actually pretty good work. On the big things, I was still doing well as I went through a divorce. I stumbled in the small things like returning phone calls timely, calendaring deadlines, marketing, and keeping good track of my money. I looked at my personal bank statements from that time and, although I was living on the edge financially, Sometimes I incurred hundreds of dollars a month in overdraft charges. Avoiding the truth about my situation by failing to pay attention did not make me feel better. I felt bad anyway. Digging a deeper hole by being willfully ignorant made me feel worse and prolonged the pain of my divorce.

   You don’t feel like it. You don’t have the energy. You can’t imagine it being anything but a painful drudgery. But do it anyway. Exercise boosts the release of endorphins, the body’s natural “feel good” chemicals which produce a healthy and natural euphoria. Exercise also increases levels of dopamine and serotonin, which play key roles in mood regulation. Low levels of these neurotransmitters are linked to depression and anxiety.

   In the year following my son Henry’s death, I exercised almost every day. I hit the gym and lifted weights. I went on bike rides or used the treadmill in the gym. Sometimes I went hiking. These activities never failed to produce a mood lift. Every day I told myself working out was not about weight loss, but a tool to manage my mental health. You don’t have to wait weeks or months to benefit from exercise. You can see mental health benefits virtually immediately after exercising. If you are dealing with grief and pain, the easiest and cheapest thing you can do to achieve immediate and significant relief is begin a vigorous exercise program.

7. Feed your spirit. Regardless of any mistakes you have made or wrongs you have done, you are never unworthy to pray and ask your Father in Heaven for help. Schedule time for reading, prayer, and meditation upon God’s word. Look for the passages that remind you of God’s love and His desire to bless you. Look for the hopeful passages—and there are many. Sometimes when I was going through a painful divorce, I closed the door to my room, played hymns on my computer and sang along. For a few moments, music helped to feed my spirit and provide a few moments of relief from pain and worry. Some people turn to substance abuse to deal with the pain. Turn to God instead.Divorce is almost always painful and it is understandable that you may want to know if you will ever feel better and, if so, when. In this article I have provided four shifts in your thinking that can significantly reduce the time you spend in acute grief. The other four suggestions are simple changes in lifestyle that can help you to process your grief more quickly and be able to move on with a peace and freedom you may have doubted were possible.

Resource:

Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.

About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:

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Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
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