Some people are under the misconception that ministering is just visiting/home teaching rebranded. This is far from the case. Visiting teaching was all about teaching. A message appeared in the Ensign magazine every month that the visiting teacher was supposed to deliver to those she taught. The message was supposed to be delivered within the month, causing us to scramble on the 29th or 30th to find one another home. The visiting teacher then reported her accomplishment, thus assuaging her conscience for another month.
Ministering is not as much about teaching as it is about reaching. We don’t have a planned message, we don’t have monthly deadlines, and we don’t report our diligence. Ministering is about reaching out, discerning the needs of others, working to understand them, connecting with them so we can “reach” them. We are not focused on ourselves, as if looking in a mirror. We are focused on others, as if looking through a window.
Approach with Wonder
In the past we might have approached visiting teaching with an agenda. Our goal was to help people repent, be better, keep their covenants. While this was and is a worthy goal, oftentimes the recipient of our good wishes didn’t welcome them. Rather than prepare what we already know, we can focus on what we don’t know. When we minister we approach a sense of wonder.
I wonder what this person is like.
I wonder what matters to them.
I wonder what challenges they have in their life.
I wonder what they enjoy.
I wonder if we have anything in common.
I wonder if there is anything I can learn from them.
When we approach our ministering brothers and sisters with a sense of wonder often, we will be filled with awe. Perhaps we will be astonished by their resilience, their faith, or their kindness. Perhaps we will be humbled by their trials, sympathetic to their situations, touched by their ability to forgive. Who knows what we will discover when we approach someone with a sense of wonder, rather than a sense of knowing.
Years ago, I was assigned to visit a less-active sister who was very different from me, politically, economically, and socially. As I got to know her, I became impressed with her thoughtful way of looking at the scriptures. She opened my eyes to perspectives I had not imagined. She became a dear friend, and we remained close long after my assignment as her visiting teacher was changed.
Nix the Agenda
Rather than approach ministering with our own agenda, ministering will be more fulfilling if we can discern what those to whom we minister want. When we can discern what they would like to come of the relationship we can better meet their needs. We might minister to people who are too busy for a visit but would welcome a text or a card. On the other hand, we might minister to those who crave a visit and long for us to stay in their home as long as possible. We might minister to someone who relishes gospel discussions, or to someone who avoids them. We can establish a relationship of trust when we meet them where they are.
My go-to for endearing myself to those to whom I minister has always involved food. I have found a pie at Thanksgiving is a very effective way to receive an invitation to stop by. However, when I was assigned a sister who was awaiting a gastric bypass I couldn’t rely on food to be my security blanket. I discovered this sister liked to take walks, so I left my baked goods at home, and I began to take walks with this sister.
The nature of the relationship will vary with every person to whom we minister. With some it might be a give-take relationship, where we give and they take. With others it might be a more balanced relationship where each party gives and takes equally from one another. This type of relationship might not feel like “ministering,” but more like “friendshipping.” When we meet others where they are they will welcome the relationship rather than dread it.
Make it a Date
Almost everything we do is more fun when we do it with someone we love. Grab someone you love to minister with you. It can be a spouse, a child, a sister, or a friend. You enjoy spending time with this person anyway, why not spend it ministering together? If you have a ministering companion, hopefully you have become friends, and you enjoy spending time together no matter what you are doing.
My visiting teaching companion and I became friends soon after we were assigned to work together. We started to meet for lunch once a week and we realized this was a perfect time to make a visit. We often paired our lunch dates with a brief ministering visit.
My father used his ministering visits to bond with his children. He was the bishop of our ward when I was a little girl. When he went to visit less active families, he often brought me along. Not only did we enjoy our time together, Dad said I was his “secret weapon” because he was seldom turned away when he showed up at a door with an impish little girl.
As mission leaders we found that when our missionaries were friends with their companions they were far more effective as missionaries. The people they taught could feel their joy. It was obvious they wanted to be serving. It was not an obligation. It was a privilege. In a similar manner, when we minister we want those we serve to feel like ministering is not a burden, but is the desire of our heart.
My husband is my favorite person to “grab” when I go ministering. This is a great way to have a date night and at the same time check up on those we care about. Ideally, we develop a relationship of trust with those to whom we minister, sometimes our date turns into a double-date where we can play games and strengthen relationships with those who might appreciate a friend.
JeaNette Goates Smith is the author of Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service, Deseret Book, 2002. She and her husband Bret served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017-2020.
