Excerpts from Chapter 6 of the book Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress, and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The Difficulty of Divorce and Cultural Discomfort
On the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress inventory, divorce ranks second only to the death of a spouse as life’s most stressful event, even outranking a prison sentence, serious illness or bodily injury. It might surprise you, but I believe the average divorce is harder on Latter-day Saint priesthood holders than their female counterparts. Two-thirds to three-fourths of divorces are initiated by women. In nearly three-fourths of all divorces, mothers gain custody of the children. As Dr. A. Dean Byrd wrote:
“Part of the reality . . . is not that divorce is totally different for men than for women, but rather that divorce is different for those who want it than for those who don’t. Divorce is different for those who get child custody than those who don’t.”
For most men, divorce means not only the loss of a companion, but also the loss of daily contact with his children. If you are in this situation, you know the rage that sometimes burns inside a person who is told in so many ways by society, by the woman he once loved, by the legal system and, regrettably, even by our Latter-day Saint culture, that he is not important to his children except as a source of money. . . .
There is something profoundly inhuman in being rejected by the person you chose, whom you have shared a life with for years and loved more than anyone else. It is damaging to your heart and soul in a way that is too painful to describe in words. . . .
Michelle Weiner-Davis explained:
“We are learning through some groundbreaking research in social neuroscience that our need to connect with people we love is more fundamental and more basic than our need for food and shelter, and the opposite is also true that disconnection hurts. . . . When scientists look into the functional MRIs of the brains of people who have just experienced a recent divorce or are broken hearted because of a break-up, the exact same regions of their brains light up as in the brains of people who are experiencing physical pain. . . . Rejection hurts!”
When I heard her say this, it completely validated my experience. . . . If you are feeling or have experienced this deep, hollow ache, you are normal. It feels like it will never go away. But I promise you, it will. In time, you will heal.
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Cultural Bias and Unspoken Challenges
I have observed that Church members and leaders generally differ in their attitudes toward men and women in divorce. On the whole, women receive sympathy and nurturing care. Men tend to get suspicion and assumptions about what they must have done to cause the divorce. . . .
One divorced man, quoted in the Ensign, wrote:
“I will never forget the ward social a week or so after we made the decision to separate. We went together . . . but separated at the door, and for the rest of the evening, she was surrounded by sympathetic, nurturing sisters. And I was alone. A few of the brothers spoke to me about sporting events or news of the day. Although that evening is the most poignant in my memory, it simply encapsulates for me the total experience of the next two months.”
Sadly, I can relate all too well to this experience over several years as a divorced man in the Church. . . .
I don’t think this cultural bias favoring women in a divorce is because of any malice by Church members or leaders. It is a blind spot. The fact that there are almost no divorced Bishops or Stake Presidents (as a matter of Church policy) means that there is almost no pastoral leadership with direct experience in the crucible of divorce.
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Strategies for Navigating the Singles Path
These issues can affect your dating experience in many ways. You may be uncomfortable in Church settings (including social activities) because of perceived judgments. You may feel self-conscious because of your failed marriage. . . . You are probably experiencing the deepest loneliness of your life—which can cause you to appear weak and needy to your dating partners. Yet, even if you are experiencing every single one of these challenges, dating and remarrying someone wonderful is within your reach.
My first suggestion is to affirmatively and intentionally decide that the opinions of people who are not involved in your situation do not matter—even a little bit. . . . Your spiritual standing and inherent worth has nothing to do with other people’s opinions. It is between you and God. Ignore gossip and let go of the need for approval from others. I promise, it will be one of the most liberating decisions of your life.
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Fourth, do your best to finalize your divorce quickly. . . . Even if your custody or child support arrangements are not ideal, the contention that results from protracted legal battles between former spouses is emotionally devastating and financially ruinous to you and your children. . . .
Fifth, let me just caution against marrying on the rebound. . . . After a significant loss, you need time to grieve, to assess what went wrong in your marriage, and to consider what kind of person you want to become moving forward. . . .
Your time as a mid-single can be a time of great self-discovery and growth. Don’t shortchange yourself by being in a hurry to jump into another marriage, bringing with you the paradigm of marriage you developed in your twenties, and which did not work the last time. . . .
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Taking Hope from Your Temple Covenants
Finally, take inspiration from your temple covenants. . . . Keeping the law of chastity after the end of a lengthy marriage feels like a sacrifice and a tremendous hardship. But we do not make covenants to give God what He asks only when it is easy or convenient. Our covenants focus on sacrificing our own will to the will of God—even when it is really hard.
Modern revelation teaches the significance of eternal marriage in the new and everlasting covenant:
“In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.” (D&C 131:1-3.)
Some mistakenly conclude from this language that a temple marriage is one of many requirements that must be satisfied to obtain Celestial glory. Eternal marriage is not merely a precondition to entering celestial glory. Eternal marriage is celestial glory! . . .
Even with numerous mistakes and disappointments, I never gave up on the dream of a celestial marriage. I got another chance at love and so can you. Don’t give up and settle for something else. The obstacles to finding an eternal love at middle age from the ashes of a broken family might seem insurmountable. But you are not alone. You have the strength of a loving Heavenly Father, the redemptive power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and the powerful promises made to you in the temple.
On May 11, 2018, I knelt at the altar in the Provo City Center Temple—itself a symbol of beauty and power rising like a phoenix from the ashes of destruction—and looked into the eyes of my stunning bride, surrounded by loved ones on both sides of the veil, and started my life over again at age fifty. . . .
I was overwhelmed by the abundant gifts that had been restored to me by a loving Father in Heaven. In that moment, I shed tears of gratitude for the exceptional woman kneeling with me at that altar—for her belief in me, her love, and the sacred promises we were making to each other. . . .
I echo the great testimony of Paul that, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13). I’ve seen this. I’ve lived it. I testify that it is true.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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