In his 1983 hit song “What is Love?” Howard Jones posed an important question: What is love and why does it matter? The common answer for my dating partners and other mid-singles I met during my mid-single years often concerned how they were feeling emotionally. For many (maybe most), the decision whether to continue dating someone boiled down to whether they were “feeling it,” meaning the emotions they expected to feel when they were “in love.” In movies we commonly see those professing to be in love say, “I have never felt this way before.”
One of the common themes in romantic movies and novels is to “follow your heart.” Movies actually bearing the title Follow Your Heart were released in 1936, 1996, 1999, and 2020. Countless movies with other titles are devoted to the subject of following one’s heart when selecting a person to live happily ever after with. The belief that an intense attraction is the primary consideration in the decision to marry is so deeply rooted in our culture that choosing a partner based on anything else seems selfish, absurd, or even downright foolish.
I believe we need to reexamine the idea that we ought to religiously follow our hearts and make the decisions our hearts suggest. The Prophet Jeremiah wrote that “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). How can the heart be deceitful and wicked? To answer, let me ask how many marriages and families have been torn apart because one of the two partners followed his or her heart about a co-worker, neighbor, or even the spouse of a good friend? Songwriters Homer Banks, Carl Hampton, and Raymond Jackson wrote the 1972 song If Loving You is Wrong I Don’t Want to be Right, which went as high as number 3 in the American Top-40. The song openly advocated following the heart, even if it leads to adultery.
King David, Israel’s greatest ruler, was walking on the roof of his palace one night when “from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon” (2 Samuel 11:2). What did David do? He followed his heart. Although he knew this beautiful woman was married and her husband was away at war, the king used his power to have her brought to him and committed adultery with her (2 Samuel 11:4). When she revealed that she was pregnant, David ordered her husband murdered to cover his crime (2 Samuel 11:15).
Our hearts, left unchecked, will deceive us into wickedness because “the natural man is an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19). The Psalmist wrote that “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God” (Psalm 14:1). Jesus Himself said, “those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies” (Matt. 15:18-19).
In Shakespeare’s epic drama, Othello lamented after killing the woman he loved, that he had “lov’d not wisely but too well” (Othello Act 5, Scene 2). Romantic passion is exciting and highly motivating—but dangerous if untempered by wisdom and self-mastery. An enduring love depends on enduring commitments and values—not ever-changing emotions.
So, if the emotions of the heart are not how we recognize love, what are we to do? How do we know if love is real? Going back to the Prophet Jeremiah, “Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit” (Jeremiah 17:7-8). The emotions of the heart are the fruit—not the root—of love. Trust in the Lord is the life-giving water that strengthens the roots of the tree. As BYU Professor of Marriage and Family Studies Jason Carrol said, “while feelings of love and happiness are indeed present in good marriages, they are best understood as the fruits of those relationships, not necessarily the roots.”
President David O. McKay similarly said “Well, you may ask, how may I know when I am in love? George Q. Morris [who later became a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, gave this reply]: ‘My mother once said that if you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself, such a young woman is worthy of your love and is awakening love in your heart.’”
But isn’t the heart deceitful and wicked? I’ll give you the typical lawyer answer: “It depends.” Following your heart in the sense the world uses that expression means letting emotion dictate your commitments and choices. The heart is wicked and deceitful in the sense that the natural man is an enemy to God.
But Alma asks, “Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?” which means “have ye spiritually been born of God?” (Alma 5:14). So a heart that has experienced a mighty change has been spiritually re-born. When a heart has experienced this mighty change, a proverb declares, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Jesus Christ Himself taught that “ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost” (3 Nephi 9:20). A “broken heart” had to be broken because it was proud, defiant, and untamed. A proud heart is deceitful and wicked. But a broken heart has experienced a mighty change. Just like a broken horse has been taught to obey its master, a broken heart has been taught to follow the master of us all. As Jeremiah continued, “I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings” (Jeremiah 17:10). The “reins” of the heart are those things that control our passions as we might use reins to control a spirited horse. In a similar way, Alma said “See that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12). So, the heart which has surrendered to the Lord is not deceitful, wicked nor filled with uncontrollable passion. In fact, controlling our passions is necessary for us to “be filled with love.”
Love is not a feeling that is magically transferred from another person to you—nor can you literally feel another person’s feelings. Your reaction to that person is entirely within you and the feelings (or lack thereof) are entirely your responsibility. I believe the idea that “you don’t choose love, love chooses you” is false doctrine and contradicts the nature of our very beings “to act for themselves and not to be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26). The real question you should ask is not so much whether you are in love, but whether love is in you. And what is inside you depends on thoughts the you choose to nurture.
I do not suggest that physical attraction is unimportant. But I do suggest that physical attraction can only endure you have made a made a deep, internal commitment to continue loving your partner, come what may. As the years pass, bodies change, skin wrinkles, and sometimes hair is lost. But I will never forget hearing my grandmother, in her late 70s at the time, saying that she still felt a thrill when my grandfather walked into the room. I asked her about that at my grandfather’s funeral who died at age 82. She said, “he always looked good to me.”
Emotions are fickle. They ebb and flow like the tide. If my love is conditioned on the emotions you are feeling, it is unlikely to endure. But if it is rooted in choice, the emotions will more likely continue to return. As Dr. Carrol said, the emotions of love are the fruit—not the root—of love. The false belief that love simply falls on us unbidden, and that falling out of love requires us to end a relationship, is usually a grave mistake.
The first proverb of many I have written says:
“Commitment is the most essential element of love. Commitment to a relationship does not depend on love. Love depends on commitment. Mutual commitment creates, maintains, and expands love. Without commitment, love is shallow, transitory, and unreliable.”
A few suggestions for creating and maintaining a lasting love include understanding and nurturing these thoughts:
- Recognize that love is a choice and not simply an emotion outside your control.
- Feelings of love expand when you focus on your partner’s most attractive behaviors, physical features, beliefs, and character traits.
- Feelings of love are harmed and diminished when you focus on the annoying or frustrating character traits of a dating partner.
- After knowing someone long enough to consider marriage, you will inevitably have moments where you feel frustrated with your partner. That does not mean love is lacking.
- Physical attraction is important but can also be deceiving. Feeling physically attracted to a partner does not necessarily mean you are destined to be together.
- Waning physical attraction is normal and does not mean you no longer love your partner or that you made a mistake in choosing him or her.
- Physical attraction can return over and over again as you make a deliberate choice to focus on the most attractive physical and personality traits of your partner.
One of the central truths of the restored gospel is that we have the power to act and not be acted upon. How could we ever make a covenant to remain with the same person for all eternity if that commitment was based on ever-changing emotions? The answer is that peace, joy, and lasting love are products of intentional choices and promises. A big part of creating a lasting love is in knowing you can—that it is within your power with God’s help.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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