Cover image via Gospel Media Library. 

As a mother who has been alienated from one of my own children for over thirteen years, I do not use phrases such as “parental alienation”, “broken families”, “sociopathy” or “narcissistic abuse” in a detached or casual manner. These types of experiences, though too often thrown around as popular social catchphrases, are seriously harmful and devastating to family systems and individuals. I know too well that parental alienation and other tragic forms of familial estrangement are catastrophic and unbearable realities for many families (including my own). My situation became (by all earthly standards) irreparable and hopeless years ago.

It is with the passage of time, endured to the best of my ability, that I have grown to understand that when it seems there is no answer at all, the temple is the only answer to the impossible question of my family. I have also come to accept that healing for my own family may not occur in this lifetime. Over time, however, a loving Heavenly Father has instilled deep within my soul a confidence that it will occur…according to his timetable. Despite a lifetime of family trauma (much of which is still ongoing), the joy and experience of the healing that can come through family history and temple work has become a foundation and bedrock of my testimony of Jesus Christ as Savior and of my confidence in the efficacy of Heavenly Father’s Plan of Happiness.

In reality, the fact that I am even able to discuss or even mention the subject of family is a miracle in and of itself, albeit one that has been years in the making and taken many hours of therapy. This healing would not have occurred without the Lord’s hand and tender mercies, especially those that have come as I have learned to engage in family history and temple work.

My own family situation is complex, if not embarrassing. Both my mother and my father have psychological conditions that inhibit their ability to feel empathy towards other human beings, including their own offspring. This reality has created numerous obstacles along the path towards even semi-healthy individual, family and social development. Over the course of my parents’ lives, the majority of their life choices and actions have been extremely (and intentionally) destructive to the lives of their children and grandchildren.

Since I can remember, I have been detested and scorned by my parents. I do not think it is “personal”, per se, but happens to be the role I was assigned at birth based on birth order and their life circumstances at the time. It took several decades of life experience for me to realize that this role of the scorned and degenerate child was imposed upon me due to circumstances outside of my control and was not an accurate valuation of my personal worth. Impeded by their psychological disorders, my parents are unable to function outside of their self-protective narrative. They are unable to break character, flip the script or acknowledge their own faults. They cannot see or acknowledge reality as it is and they function without a hint of self-awareness. I would like to be clear, however, that I care deeply about my parents as human beings and I forgive them, even though they refuse that forgiveness. Deep down, I hope and (choose to) believe that their psychological ailments and mental conditions will be removed from them at some point when they leave this earth, at which time they will have a greater capacity to choose good.

About a year or so ago, Elder Dale G. Renlund visited a nearby stake to address the women of the area and to lead a panel to answer women’s questions. I do not remember any exact quotes, but the ideas he conveyed were quite moving. He briefly discussed mental illnesses in response to someone’s question. He explained (with great gentleness) that some individuals may seem like very ill-natured people in mortality due to certain psychological and emotional conditions, but that these same people are not beyond repentance and that in the next life, without the burden of their illness, they might repent and progress in the gospel into marvelous and glorious beings that we would not even recognize. I have my fingers crossed for my own family on that one. In the meantime, the effects of my mother and father’s problems have taken quite a toll on my family. Out of my 4 adult siblings, 3 suffer from significant emotional and social impairment and one is unable to function in society independently at all. Then there is myself, whose level of functioning I will not describe here.

In his 2018 talk, “Family History and Temple Work: Sealing and Healing,” Elder Renlund teaches that “When we gather our family histories and go to the temple on behalf of our ancestors, God fulfills promised blessings simultaneously on both sides of the veil.” Temple blessings are for redeeming the dead and ALSO for blessing and healing the living. He explains that, “as we participate in family history and temple work today, we also lay claim to ‘healing’ blessings promised by prophets and apostles. These blessings are also breathtakingly amazing because of their scope, specificity, and consequence in mortality.”

I have seen the glorious and miraculous ways that healing can occur in individuals and families as a result of family history and temple work in my own life. Each of us has a unique family situation that includes blessings and challenges. The Lord, however, in his tender mercy, is perfect at preparing and implementing a healing regimen specific to each unique set of circumstances. There is only one Savior, Jesus Christ, and one Atonement effectuated for the redemption and benefit of humankind. Within this framework, however, the Savior’s work in our individual lives is highly particularized. Though the situation with my parents has not improved, I have found enough healing in the temple to be able to endure these challenges well and accept that certain aspects of my circumstances are simply not going to be the way I want them to be.

I first met missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 2014. I was living as a single mother in Tampico, Tamaulipas Mexico with my daughter who was barely two. Time does not permit me to elaborate upon the details of how we got there, but to summarize, I had been living there for about a year when my daughter was born in 2011. I was unable to obtain the proper documentation for her to acquire U.S. citizenship and a passport until she was 7 years old. I had not intended to be in Mexico long-term, but I was stuck there until God saw fit to help me leave.

To further complicate matters, in 2010 my parents had kidnapped my first-born child (a son and full sibling to my daughter). My parents’ resolve to keep me in “exile” outside of the United States was irradicable and they were not shy about making threats towards my daughter’s wellbeing to ensure that I stay away. This insistence was motivated by their desire to keep me away from the family until statute of limitations passed on crimes they had committed. My being stuck in Mexico was assurance to them that I could not bring legal action against them for illegal things they had done. By the time I met the missionaries, I had been estranged from my son for several years. My father is a licensed attorney in Tennessee where I was born and in Indiana where they lived at the time of the initial instance of custodial interference.

To protect themselves from being found guilty of kidnapping and custodial interference (which they had actually done), they falsified legal guardianship documents to take my son from me when he was 8 months old. They did not go through ANY of the proper legal or social service procedures. They knew that I was not, in actuality, an unfit parent. But I had embarrassed the family by having a child outside of wedlock (which I’d fully acknowledged to be a less than ideal course of action) and they were implacable in their intent to punish me for the rest of eternity for it. I was remorseful for my personal mistakes, but I was more than happy and even honored to be the best mother I could to my son. Unplanned did NOT mean unwanted.

When my son was first taken from me abruptly and inconceivably, I was blindsided and traumatized beyond description. It seemed as if I had literally died and gone to hell. I could not assimilate into my mind the situation as reality, nor could I imagine a worse form of punishment. It has taken many years and much effort to cope with this past and continued trauma. I have since proven the fraudulent nature of my parents’ actions. The court acknowledged that many crimes were committed, but by the time I was able to return to the United States, too much time had elapsed to take legal action. I have no desire for retribution. I just want to be in my son’s life and to have family peace. The entirety of the situation was and is still devastating. After numerous attempts to reconcile with my parents peacefully, they have still refused to have any kind of relationship with me or with my daughter and have kept us both away from my son for many years.

In February of 2014, right before my son’s 4th birthday, I was working in Mexico as a professor of Applied Linguistics and as an ESOL teacher. My boss asked if he could send missionaries from his church to my house. I agreed to a visit because I needed the job desperately and did not want to upset my boss. He had given me a Book of Mormon about six weeks prior. I read it and felt that it was true but since I had never discussed the book or its contents with anyone, I had not yet had the wonderful experience of the Spirit testifying to my heart of the truthfulness of the words that someone was saying out loud in real time…until that day.

During the first visit, the Elders taught about the Plan of Salvation. As they taught, it was as if they were telling me something I had already known but had somehow forgotten. I learned I have a loving Heavenly Father that knows me and that knew me, taught me and prepared me before sending me to this earth. He did not fling me down to earth haphazardly and leave me to make a go of it on my own. He equipped me for certain challenges in order to give me the greatest possible likelihood of success possible while still respecting my agency. This was a joyous moment for me. Reaching out to a God I had known for a very long time seemed completely marvelous compared to reaching out blindly to some cosmic stranger who was completely unknown to me and I to him.

The second time the Elders visited they taught about eternal families. They explained that because of the sealing power that binds families together eternally, there is a possibility of being with our families for all of eternity. This was the best news I had ever heard. I was overcome by the realization that despite the precious years I had lost and was losing with my son, all was not lost. This hope transformed my heart and my life. It became the catalyst for everything that has followed. I learned that day that there was still hope, even for my sick and ruptured family. There is, somewhere in the realm of eternity, a divine remedy for the loss of precious years with my son, which to this very day haunts me with a grief unbearable.

In that moment the Lord started to reveal to me that there was a special purpose for what I had seen as an unfair and unfavorable life detour. But because of the Lord’s healing hand, this disownment by my own parents was going to serve a redemptive function for my family. I could not believe it. The real purpose for these difficult circumstances to was for the Lord to begin to heal my broken heart and broken family, even though the starting place was the deep emotional pit I was standing in. It was not that God afflicted me in order to carry out his purposes, but that he does truly see the end from the beginning and knows how to consecrate our afflictions for our gain, whatever the source of these afflictions may be.

On April 6th of 2014 I was interviewed for baptism. I was baptized on April 12th, 2014 and confirmed on April 13th. On May 10th of 2014, which was Mother’s Day in Mexico, I entered the Tampico, Mexico Temple to participate in vicarious baptisms and confirmations for the first time. The date of the appointment was “coincidental”, but it was very special and served as encouragement that this was the beginning of my long journey to help unify generations of my family. Back then, a convert had to wait at least a year post-baptism before receiving their endowment. In the meantime, I did as many vicarious baptisms as I possibly could and learned the basics of family history. As I prepared to receive my endowment, the temple president was kind enough to teach me how to share the initiatories of my deceased family members with the temple system after I brought their baptisms and confirmations to be completed in the Tampico temple. This was all very new to me.

Later that year, on November 2nd of 2014, I received my Patriarchal Blessing. The Patriarch chose the day, and it was quite meaningful when I realized that I was receiving my Patriarchal Blessing on El Dia de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead). This significant Mexican holiday is a celebration in remembrance of our ancestors who have gone before us. It is a beloved tradition and a very rich part of Mexican culture and heritage. In addition to the significance of the date, I learned much that day about the Lord’s path and plan for my life and about the role I was to play in my family. I learned that I had agreed to this path and that Heavenly Father had laid my path out before me and would not leave me to walk it alone. I was assured of reconciliation with my son. I also learned that before coming to earth I made promises to family members that I would complete their temple work and I knew I must fulfill these promises. My relationship with my son and my relationship with my ancestors started to become one long story, a tapestry intertwined.

I received my own endowment in 2016. During the same session, I had a brother from the church go through the session with my maternal grandfather’s name card. This was very special day for me personally and it also solidified a connection between my grandfather and I that has carried me through many hardships. This connection has also been one of healing as I am able to sense his remorse for his own mistakes and his comfort through my continued familial anguish. Once endowed, I made it a priority to go to an endowment session weekly, regardless of whatever other life demands were vying for my time. I knew that I would not be able to meet life’s challenges without spending time in the temple. I knew that without the power of the temple I would be unable to work three jobs, raise and protect my daughter in a poverty-stricken and cartel infested city, avoid immigration problems as a foreigner (my daughter and I having different nationalities), stay healthy in the absence of adequate medical care or bear the trauma of separation from my son.

As I worked on my own family tree and took name after name to the temple, I received indescribable and countless blessings. I have no doubt that this work gave me increased protection from constant danger. The Lord’s protective hand as well as the accompaniment of guardians from the other side of the veil shielded us from danger many times. Family history and temple work also gave me a sense of family ties and belonging. I was equipped with added measures of faith and patience to believe the Lord’s promises and to trust his timing. My ability to see his hand in all things increased as my faith did. I was given the ability to understand the gospel through the power of the Holy Ghost and given increased capacity to speak and understand Spanish.

Eventually a lawyer in the U.S. (not my father) helped my daughter and I return safely to the U.S. in 2019. This was nine years after my arrival in Mexico. When I had arrived in Mexico, I had not expected to be there for more than a few months. God had other plans. It seems silly to feel bitter because I can attest to God’s protective and sustaining hand in my life. I can echo the words of our beloved patriarch Joseph in Egypt when his brothers feared retribution for selling him into slavery years before. We can all learn much from his story and perspective: “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive” (Genesis 50:20).

The story of Joseph has become a cherished favorite of mine. I love him for looking far forward into the future in faith because of his complete confidence that God would keep His promise to preserve his descendants forever. I want to (in my own small way) follow his example and attitude. I should not let a day pass by without praising God and testifying of all he has done for me. I had gone down to Mexico as the result of parental blackmail. I had arrived traumatized, childless, hopeless, destitute and utterly alone. I did not know the language. There were great dangers and economic challenges for the entire population of city where I lived. The restored gospel was nowhere to be found or even tolerated in my family. Yet when I returned home 9 years later, I had an amazing 7- year-old daughter; I had become a member of the Church, been endowed with power from on high and had taken thousands of my family members’ names to the temple so they would have the opportunity to receive the ordinances of salvation.

I had gained confidence that Heavenly Father did not view me as my earthly parents did. This was a relief and revelation that changed the entire trajectory of my family’s story. Furthermore, the poverty my daughter and I endured for the duration of those years gave me the opportunity to develop a much greater capacity for happiness, as I learned by experience that I could have joy regardless of my circumstances. I learned to rely completely upon the Lord for sustenance and survival as I worked as hard as I could to provide for my daughter. When it comes down to it, every affliction was outweighed or was swallowed up by marvelous and miraculous eternal blessings.

The Lord continues to magnify my puny little efforts with strength and power far beyond my own. My daughter and I returned to the U.S. in 2019 with only what we could carry for the 40-plus hour bus ride. I was given the strength to start over…again. The Lord continues to instill confidence in my mind and heart that His timing and direction will be perfect. Unfortunately, even a decade of my best efforts to improve as a person and parent changed nothing about my parents’ beliefs and behavior. They are still adamantly opposed to me being alive, let alone seeing my son. They are still hostile towards anything having to do with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I sent them a video about the Plan of Salvation and told them I loved them and knew how we could be together eternally as a family. They saw it as a threat (being with me forever is their worst nightmare) and as evidence that I have truly gone insane.

One may ask how the temple can heal something like this. It can. As I explained earlier, the temple president in Tampico (in 2014-2015) had taught me how to share initiatories with the temple system if we have too many names or do not live close to a temple. Well, right in the middle of what was an almost unbearable period of time in 2022, hundreds of these initiatories that

I had shared with the temple system after completing their baptisms and confirmations in Tampico began to be completed in the Atlanta Temple (where I now live). It was hundreds within a very short time period. Many ordinances were appearing on my FamilyTree app as completed daily, all in the Atlanta Temple. There was a period of time when nearly 50 initiatories a day were being completed in the Atlanta Temple from my shared with temple list and they were all people whose baptisms and confirmations I had done while living in Tampico, MX temple years before. It was as if these guardian angels were coming to back me up during this difficult and very painful family trial and reminding me that I do have worth in my family.

I still do not have my son, who is now 14 years old, and the family situation is still wildly disturbing. But these persistent efforts in family history and temple work have allowed me to experience Christ’s healing in ways I never could have otherwise. Somehow, even the cruel and undesired loss of my son has become a propelling force to initiate the process of unifying and binding my family together for eternity. Only Christ and the power of His Atoning Sacrifice could do that. No other person or power could do this. I am learning that no evil force has the power to prevent the fulfillment of God’s purposes and promises.

For the faithful even those things that seem “evil against us” can be the very things that God can “mean for good”. As the brilliant Christian theologian C.S. Lewis so eloquently declares in his novel The Great Divorce: “That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.” I testify that this is true and that our diligent efforts in temple and family history work can invite Jesus Christ’s hand and healing into our lives in ways we cannot imagine and cannot accomplish on our own. Hope for the hopeless can be found in the temple and in our genuine efforts to love our families on both sides of the veil.