Geoff Steurer Archives - Meridian Magazine Meridian Magazine

I’m a single mom and have been divorced for two years. I share custody with my ex-husband and he takes the kids for visits at different times throughout the month. Although we have a schedule, he is completely inconsiderate of my work schedule and the kids’ schedules. In other words, he only wants to be flexible when it benefits him, but not when we need some flexibility.

Sometimes he’ll call and say that he’s early and wants to get the kids, even though I don’t have them packed yet. He’ll accuse me of being a bad mom and not having the kids ready to see their dad. He’ll send them home missing clothes and then I have to buy them more clothes to replace them. I don’t want to put my kids in the middle of this, but I feel like I need to stand up to him when he’s so rude and disrespectful to me. I want to know if there is anything I can do to get more cooperation out of him without making things worse for the kids.

Answer:

You can’t let your ex-husband steal your peace. Even though this is completely frustrating and aggravating, you can establish rules for yourself about how you’ll respond to his childish behaviors.

Think about what he may be getting out of these behaviors. Does he get a reaction out of you that he likes? Does engaging you do something for him? The best way to end a tug-of-war is to drop the rope instead of pulling harder. You don’t need to engage with him to make him stop.

You can spend lots of energy and money taking him back to court to tighten up the rules about visitation. I think it’s safe to say that he’ll find new ways to annoy you if that’s his goal. Instead, focus on your responses so you’re not becoming someone you don’t like.

When he shows up early and demands the kids, there is nothing wrong with reminding him that his visitation begins at the designated time. Keep on schedule so the kids know what to expect.

Additionally, if clothes don’t come back, think about how the best version of you would respond. Perhaps you’d simply say, “Will you please remember the return all of the kids clothes or replace the ones that come up missing?” Granted, he may never spend a penny on extra clothes, but you can continue to set the expectation.

I don’t recommend you spending extra time complaining to family and friends about his behavior. This will only keep him front and center in your mind and steal your peace. If you need to talk with a counselor to help you respond in healthy ways, then that’s a great use of your time and energy. If you’re handling things with him directly and clearly, then there really isn’t much to talk about with others.

Your peace is the most important thing you can give your children in the wake of your divorce. They need to know they have a stable foundation. You don’t have to suppress frustration and irritation. Let those frustrations teach you where you are crossing your own boundaries and make adjustments so you don’t lose your bearings.

As Wally Goddard often says, “Irritation is an invitation.” I would only add that the invitation is for you to understand your own reactions and how you can best maintain a balanced and calm environment for your children even though the storm of your ex-husband blow through every so often.

Your Hardest Family Question: Can my controlling and angry husband change?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. He is very controlling and needs to micromanage every little situation. Everything needs to revolve around him and what he wants at that time. He is very intense and gets upset and worked up very easily over minor things. He works very hard; however, he doesn’t put effort into our relationship. He shows little emotion, besides stress or disapproval. He lacks compassion and sympathy for others, mostly me. He is demanding and critical and does not take my feelings or opinions into consideration. He appears to be obsessive over certain things and can’t rationalize logically.

We have three sons who see and feel the contention and division between us, which saddens me greatly. He has little patience with them and expects them to not make mistakes. When I try to talk to my husband about his cold, dictating ways, he gets defensive and twists, turns, manipulates, and dominates the conversation. There is no validation or resolution, ever. I recently started to take steps towards moving out with the boys and had our bishop meet with him. He finally agreed to attend counseling with me, but so far, there has been no progress. He insists he is not the problem.

I just want a happy, peaceful home where I’m treated as an equal and there is give and take. I want a joyful Christ-centered home. When my husband is home, things feel stressful, confusing, intense, dark, and unhappy. I’m lonely and am reaching my limit. He doesn’t have the qualities that I want in an eternal companion. How do I know if he can change, or if we will ever be happy? Or how do I know when it’s time for me to leave?

Answer

It’s an unbearable feeling to have your heart longing to be close to your husband while simultaneously backing away from him to find emotional safety. You’re caught between protecting yourself, protecting your boys, and giving your marriage a chance. It’s a dilemma no one expects to encounter when they begin their family.

Sometimes a spouse’s aggressive behavior leaves you no choice but to create emotional or even physical distance so things can change. Even if he continues in his aggressive patterns, the distance will protect you and your boys from the constant assault on your emotional security.

Separating isn’t the worst thing that can happen to this family. The worst thing that can happen to your family is that your husband refuses to take accountability for his abusive behavior toward you and your sons. It’s critical that your sons see that this behavior isn’t how a husband should treat his wife. If their father can’t teach that to them, then you may have to set specific limits so the message is clear to your boys.

Even though you might need to pull away and protect yourself and your sons from this aggression, recognize that your peace and clarity will come from acting in ways that match your deepest values. In other words, you don’t have to be aggressive or bitter in order to create safety for yourself or your sons.

You can eventually forgive your husband for his behavior without having to trust him. Forgiveness frees you from holding onto the bitterness and anger from how he’s treated you. You’re taking the appropriate steps to create safety. You don’t have to turn into someone you’re not in order to create safe conditions.

You may worry that if you’re not tough and aggressive with him, he will have more permission to harm you. Moving toward separation sends a strong signal that you’re not willing to be diminished anymore as a person. M. Catherine Thomas wrote that, “forgiving people, acting kindly toward them, doesn’t necessarily mean letting them abuse us. Sometimes relationships have to be severed to keep one of the parties from being destroyed.”[i]

I have no idea if your husband will do what it takes to be a safe husband and father. I hope he will honestly assess his actions and take the appropriate steps toward accountability and restitution. I encourage you to continue with your counseling with professionals and your bishop.

Moving out isn’t a threat to your relationship under these conditions. If he is serious about changing, he will eventually understand why you needed to move out. On the other hand, if he’s not interested in changing and continues to be aggressive, then moving out will offer the protection he won’t give you.

While there are several ways you can go about this, recognize that personal revelation is essential in this process. There are examples in the scriptures where it made sense for individuals to create distance for personal safety.[ii] There are also examples where people were asked to stay in difficult circumstances. Make sure you get the proper spiritual and emotional support so you can know how to respond to these challenging conditions.

About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelor’s degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic and currently serves as the primary chorister. He is married to Jody Young Steurer, and they are the parents of four children.

Connect with Geoff

Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT

References

[i] https://abish.byui.edu/reserve/LenhartM/110/thomas.htm

[ii] 2 Nephi 5:1-7

Your Hardest Family Question: Should I tell my son-in-law to stop yelling at his kids?

We have a wonderful son-in-law that we love very much. Our concern is that he yells at his children, not in just a loud voice but in a THUNDERING voice that even scares my husband and me. It is a learned habit from his father. I think it is so ingrained in him that he doesn’t realize he is even yelling. It is something we didn’t see until they had their children. Our daughter is concerned and they have discussed it and I know he is trying to change but it just seems like the slightest irritation sets him off. To me this is bullying and my fear is that it could turn physical. I don’t want my grandchildren to grow up thinking this is normal and how they should treat their own children. Is there hope and help for him to change this habit?

I have no doubt this is very unsettling for you and your husband to see your son-in-law overreacting to his children and overwhelming everyone with his intensity. I also agree with you that his yelling isn’t the best way to interact with his children. Addressing this with him, though, isn’t as straightforward as telling him to “knock it off.” Chances are, he’s developed these reflexes over time and may not even think there is a problem.

First, if you’re seriously worried about your children being abused through his aggression, you need to level with your daughter and let her know how serious this is. She may be so used to his intensity or feel torn between choosing her husband and protecting her children that she may not make any decision out of emotional paralysis. This is a difficult judgment call to make with yelling and intensity. If safety is a concern, don’t wait and see what happens. Talk to your daughter and let her know she needs to be more protective of her children.

This doesn’t mean that she needs to automatically call child protective services. It means that she needs to set some clear boundaries with her husband and make it clear that he cannot interact with the children in this way anymore. She needs to encourage him to get help if it’s something he can’t see as a problem or control. This is something that needs to come from her as the wife and mother. If she has approached you with her concerns, turn her back to the marriage and encourage her to speak clearly to him about these expectations.

I think it’s important to be patient and follow your daughter’s lead as she works with him as a co-parent and partner to learn how to parent. Sometimes grandparents forget their own learning curve with their children years ago when they had to figure out how to raise their children by trial and error. Even though you have gained hard-earned wisdom from years of raising your own children, your daughter and son-in-law also deserve a chance to learn from their mistakes.

As you turn to heaven for help for this young family, remember that you’re not the only parents concerned for their welfare. In 1963, President Harold B. Lee taught, “Sometimes we think the whole job is up to us, forgetful that there are loved ones beyond our sight who are thinking about us and our children. We forget that we have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who are even more concerned, probably, than our earthly father and mother, and that influences from beyond are constantly working to try to help us when we do all we can.”

If your daughter feels the situation is serious enough to reach for help, then continue to encourage her to be strong and set clear expectations with her husband to treat the children with more respect. If you step in and get in the middle of their marriage, it will only create more defensiveness and make it more difficult for him to focus on doing the right thing. Instead, he’ll be more likely to protect himself and focus less on creating a healthy family environment.

If you have a close relationship with him, you can even visit with him privately and share with him your observations about his frustrations as a dad. You might open up about your own mistakes and struggles when you were parents of small children. Let him know he’s not alone and that he can count on you to help him succeed as a father. This will only work if you have a close relationship with him that has already been built on mutual respect and trust. If you don’t have that kind of relationship, it will backfire and he will only feel judgment and disrespect.

As grandparents, you can offer to take the children more often and give them an experience of being loved and disciplined with respect and sensitivity. You can help alleviate the pressure their parents may feel and you can develop relationships with them that will help them build more resilience. If the grandchildren aren’t in serious danger, trust that their parents will continue to improve as you counsel with your daughter and give them room to learn and grow as parents. It’s painful to watch them make mistakes and struggle as new parents. However, they are ultimately responsible for the climate they create in their family. You’ve had your chance to raise your daughter and all you can do is trust that she will take what she learned in her family and advocate for a healthy environment for their children.

Your Hardest Family Question: How Do I Make Friends in My Ward When My Spouse is a Non-Member?

I am an active LDS woman, married to a non-LDS man, and I have 2 adult non-LDS stepchildren. We are a happy family, though I do attend church and the temple by myself. Sometimes I feel torn between two worlds: it seems I’m “super religious” to my non-LDS friends and family, and I’m considered “less active” or on the “worry list” in my ward, because of my non-LDS family (though I attend church every week). It’s not my imagination about the ward’s perception of me–a close LDS ward member let it slip one day. I long to have social connections in my ward (going out for dinner or the movies as a couple, etc), yet my LDS friends seem uncomfortable socializing with us outside of church, perhaps because my husband has a glass of wine with dinner, or they find little in common to talk about with my non-LDS husband. It seems that LDS folks only want to socialize with other LDS folks. If they do socialize with us, they patronizingly approach my husband as if he’s a baptism prospect, rather than treating him as a friend. How can I find balance and friendships in the church, given my situation? I’m a nice, fun person, but I feel very lonely in church because of all of this.

I want to tell you how impressed I am that you’ve been able to maintain a strong marriage and family while having differences in an area as personal and sensitive as religion. You’ve built a nice foundation to help support you while you figure out what to do with these strange social situations.

A blessing and curse of being a member of a church like ours is that because it requires such a deep level of commitment, it often unintentionally creates an exclusive subculture that causes outsiders to really feel like outsiders. Since you are intimately familiar with life inside and outside the Church, you have a rare perspective not shared by many people in either group. I’m sure you spend much of your time defending both groups, as you have deep commitments to family in one group and deep spiritual convictions in the other.

Please know that your unique perspective can be a tremendous blessing to both groups. There is nothing you have to defend or be ashamed of. You have an opportunity to build bridges of understanding and compassion with virtually everyone in your social network. The LDS folks need your influence to see past the non-member status of your husband and stepchildren and get to know them as real people with real stories. And, the non-LDS folks can benefit from understanding more about the values and convictions of the LDS people.

I recommend you embrace your unique position as someone with dual-citizenship in these different subcultures and accept that you’ll have something important to contribute in every interaction. Trying to adhere to every unspoken cultural rule of each group will most likely feel unsettling to you. You don’t need to give up the things you love about each of these two cultures. There are many commonalities you share between both worlds. As you stay true to your commitments to family and faith, people will be drawn to your strength and conviction of who you are and what you love.

For example, I encourage you to regularly invite ward members into your home so they can get to know both you and your husband. If your husband is comfortable with candid discussions about your unusual situation, you might consider putting everyone at ease by bridging the two cultures as you talk freely about the two worlds you live in. There is no need to be muzzled by either side.

Notice if your energy of not feeling fully included in the LDS culture keeps you from confidently reaching out to connect to others in the ward. The insecurity of not fitting in with ward members might cause you to keep your distance, hoping someone will reach out to include you.

Owning your situation without apology allows people to relate to you and feel more comfortable with both worlds. You’ll likely have to patiently take the high road when people become narrow in their view of you and your family. Feeling misunderstood by both groups is painful and puts you in a strange dilemma where you might lose your sense of what you have to offer to others.

You have so much to offer, both with your fun personality and your unique compassion you bring for all of God’s children, member and non-member. Take the lead and pull people close to you who you find interesting, warm, and personable. Learn about them and let them learn about you. You have nothing to hide. You’re a woman of deep commitments and convictions.

Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at [email protected]

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelor’s degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer, and they are the parents of four children. You can connect with him at:

“Checking Our Blind Spots”

We all have our own life experiences that shape our opinions, motives, and actions. While we are able to live our lives how it makes sense to us, inevitably we each have blind spots that may cloud our judgment or limit our ability to see ourselves clearly. In this episode we discuss methods to gauge our blind spots, receive productive feedback from our relationships with others, and hold ourselves accountable to those that need to be eliminated as we continually develop into who we want to be.

If you’re navigating broken trust in your relationship, whether you’re the one who broke it or you’ve been deeply impacted by it, this free video course can help.

If you’re looking for structured guidance, support, and a clear roadmap for recovery, check out my Courageous Together Program—an online course and support system designed to help couples rebuild trust and connection. Inside, you’ll get:

I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, the host of the weekly podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children.

Jody has been a strong voice supporting women as co-host of the podcast “Speak Up Sister”. She completed a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Brigham Young University and is an ACA certified coach. She runs a small business and has years of experience in corporate training and organization. Jody’s most challenging work has been raising her four children (two of which are on the autism spectrum). She loves to do landscape design, paint in watercolor, spend time outdoors, and snow ski.

The advice offered through Geoff Steurer’s podcasts is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist during these podcasts, but rather using his training to inform the content. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients or patients, and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through the Content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.

Your Hardest Family Question: I’m afraid of commitment

I don’t know why I’m afraid to be in a relationship. I want one but when it’s time to get serious I get so scared. I’m enjoying being single, but feel lonely at the same time. I’m attracted to the guys who don’t want a relationship. I find that the guys who do want relationships aren’t attractive to me, even though I would like them to be with me. I want to be happy with someone, but it’s hard for me to commit.

The conflicting feelings you’re experiencing aren’t going to disappear until you find a secure connection with another person. I’m not suggesting you run right out and jump into a relationship. I’m suggesting you work to understand what keeps you from committing to connection and then take steps to build a healthy relationship with another person. You’ll be much better off in connection than in isolation.

Individuals who swear off relationships usually have experienced loss, abuse, rejection, abandonment, or betrayal in a close relationship. The hurts could have happened in childhood, adolescence, or in adulthood. I’m curious where you have been hurt in previous relationships and why being alone seems more attractive to you.

Just because you’re scared to be in a close relationship doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Being close to someone requires vulnerability, which most of us instinctively avoid. However, as Dr. Brene Brown once said, “vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, belonging, and creativity.”

When we put ourselves in the hands of someone else, we are totally exposed and vulnerable. They can hurt us in a way no one else can. When you’re in a safe relationship, you don’t even realize how vulnerable you are because you’re in a secure bond. On the other hand, if you’ve been burned, you have a heightened awareness of your vulnerability.

I recommend you pick up a copy of Sue Johnson’s new book, “Love Sense”, which will help you better understand your conflicting feelings. Humans are born wired to connect to others. We only disconnect when we learn connection isn’t safe. As you understand where this went wrong in your life, you can begin taking steps to fix it.

Recognize that even though you are alone, you’re not alone. A recent report in USA Today cited census data showing that more than one in four households had just a single person in 2012. In contrast, in 1970, one-person households accounted for fewer than one in six. In 1900, it was one in 20. Our society is moving toward isolation, even though we’re more connected electronically than previous generations. Some commentators, such as Sherry Turkle, author of “Alone Together”, are noticing that our electronic over connecting is actually our way of hiding from real connection.

I recommend you practice connecting in a real and present way with those around you. Put down your electronic connections and work on spending quantity and quality time with your friends in person. Practice asking good questions, listening, making eye contact, and see what you notice. Perhaps you have difficulty tolerating closeness with others. Perhaps you enjoy the experience, but have fear that you’ll be rejected. As you better understand your own reactions to closeness, you’ll be better prepared to understand how to navigate a close romantic relationship.

I see your desire to connect to others. You can have a close relationship, even if it takes time and practice getting it right with the right person.

Your Hardest Family Question: My daughter is marrying a guy we don’t like

Our daughter dated this guy for a couple of years and we had major concerns about him. She was in high school at the time and he was a couple of years order. This was a major source of conflict between her and us during her last two years of high school. It was no secret to him that we disapproved and didn’t agree that she should be with him. They are now engaged and he will be a part of our family. We still disapprove, but the main issue now is that our daughter doesn’t want us involved in her wedding plans at all. She tells us that since we weren’t supportive, that she figured we wouldn’t want to help. We feel she’s punishing us. We’re not only worried about the wedding, but how to live with the fact that he’s now a part of our family.

I certainly can understand your struggle with your daughter in high school, but now that she’s out on her own and starting her own family, the last thing she needs is your opinion. She already knows how you feel about her fiance, so driving that point home will only increase the acrimony and distance with her.

Marriage is already hard enough without the constant disapproval of in-laws. The best thing you can do is accept the fact that your days of managing your daughter are over and that it’s time to learn how to build a relationship with her and her soon-to-be husband.

Just because you didn’t approve of him for your then-high school daughter, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn to accept him now that he’s going to be a part of your family. I’m not suggesting this will be an easy transition.

You may have feelings of resentment and frustration that they didn’t respect your guidance when she was in your home as a teenager. You may not want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that you could ever be okay with their union.

Please consider where your stubborn stance toward this relationship will lead you. Do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with them and their future children?

You might even consider sitting down with them and letting them know of the transition you’re working through. Let them know that you recognize how difficult their relationship has been for you as the parent, but that you now recognize how they need support instead of parenting. Show them they have a support system to help them build a strong future together.

If they are terrible for each other and have a rotten marriage, you can still love and support your daughter as she learns these difficult lessons. Our job as parents isn’t about protecting our children from all of their bad decisions. It’s letting them know they have love and support to take risks and learn from her mistakes.

Your daughter didn’t follow your rules and counsel as a teenager and now you worry about her future. You can’t continue to hold her hostage to the immature and disrespectful actions she took as a teenager. If there are real consequences coming her way as a result of her rebellion, you don’t need to do anything more than let her know she matters to you and you recognize she is living her life the way she wants to. You did your part in teaching her and all you can do is hope the lessons she learned in your home will support her in this next phase of her life.

“When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore, after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater. That’s not what boats were made for. But some of us do that to each other.”

Continue to position yourself so you can be there for her no matter the outcome.

Taking the First Steps After a Sexual Betrayal

In the aftermath of a sexual betrayal discovery, the most common reaction is to freeze and not know how to proceed. Dealing with such an explosive disruption to life can feel paralyzing and confusing to every part of our emotional, mental, and physical senses. In today’s episode we discuss the first crucial steps in beginning the journey to heal.

If broken trust is an issue in your relationship, download the FREE video series “The First Steps to Rebuilding Trust” to help you get on the right track. ⁠https://www.geoffsteurer.com/freebie⁠

Sign up for our FREE ⁠weekly newsletter⁠ to stay up-to-date on exciting new announcements!

About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, the host of the weekly podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children.

About Jody Steurer: Jody has been a strong voice supporting women as co-host of the podcast “Speak Up Sister”. She completed a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Brigham Young University and is an ACA certified coach. She runs a small business and has years of experience in corporate training and organization. Jody’s most challenging work has been raising her four children (two of which are on the autism spectrum). She loves to do landscape design, paint in watercolor, spend time outdoors, and snow ski.

Your Hardest Family Question: How can I say “no” and still be Christ-like?

I always feel guilty when I have to say “no” to things. I grew up believing that you don’t say no to callings, to service, or other things like that in the Church. My husband has no problem saying “no” to things and thinks I am too giving. I want to be Christ-like and not be selfish with my time. I do understand that I can’t do everything, so I do decline some requests, but I can’t figure out why I’m still struggling with a feeling that I’m being selfish. Where is the balance and how can I know that I’m truly consecrating everything to God when I still say “no” to things?

The fact that you feel guilty for longing to do more says much about the desires of your heart. It’s not easy to have limited time and resources when our hearts long to be there for others. I understand your dilemma, as I sit across from people in need on a daily basis and often find it difficult to say “no” to their very real and present needs for my time and energy past the time allotted to them.

Your question reminds of the thought shared by Ann Morrow Lindbergh in her book Gifts From the Sea:

She wrote this in 1955 when the “inter-relatedness of the world” was much less complex than it is today. The strain on our bodies and emotions to respond to needs has multiplied tenfold. Here are some ways I’ve learned to quiet the feelings of guilt when I can’t respond in the way my heart desires.

First, validate and nurture your feelings of compassion even if you can’t respond to the actual need. Sometimes when we can’t respond to a need, we become indifferent so as to minimize our pain of leaving them without the support we had hoped to give them. Even though the Savior gave the Nephites extra time when he initially attempted to leave as recorded in third Nephi chapter 17, I imagine his bowels were still “filled with compassion” when he eventually left them.[ii] Just because you have limits to what you can accomplish, the longings and feelings of your heart can be still be deep.

Second, remember that even though Jesus had to leave, he promised his followers that he could always be with them through the Comforter. His promise was to leave them with another Comforter that would “abide with [them] forever.”[iii] His promise was that he would “not leave [them] comfortless.”[iv] It’s a common reflex to believe that if we can’t respond to someone’s need, they won’t be okay. My father told me that when he was a bishop, sometimes he couldn’t respond to people’s needs right away and would have to wait until a later time to visit with them. He noticed that, in most instances, the Spirit of the Lord would work on them, support them, and even inspire them to solve many of their own issues before they even met with him. He said that he learned to trust that the Holy Ghost would not leave them comfortless, even if he couldn’t get to them right away.

Third, in addition to the ministry of the Holy Ghost, recognize that others will be inspired to meet the needs of those struggling. You are one option in an infinite universe of resources our all-knowing Heavenly Father can use to bless his children. If you can’t be available to help in this moment, know that others will most assuredly step in and help at the right time.

Fourth, understand that sometimes it’s good for people to struggle and not have immediate solutions and fixes to their dilemmas. I’ve noticed that it’s almost unbearable for anyone to have to struggle with anything these days. Just because someone is struggling with something doesn’t mean that something is wrong. A butterfly fighting to escape the confines of their cocoon depends on the hydraulic pressure developed from the struggle so they can take flight as soon as they are free. Many social commentators have documented the fallout on our kids and society from our fear of allowing others to struggle.[v] I had a professor in graduate school, Dr. Scott Ketring, encourage me to treat people like they’re strong. He wisely taught me that people will respond rise up to the expectation that they can do hard things. The Savior modeled this as well when he still expected those he healed to take an active part in their healing. I recently attended a priesthood leadership training with Elder Craig A. Cardon where he was taking comments from the congregation. One brother raised his hand to make a comment and Elder Cardon kindly redirected him, stating that he had already had a chance to contribute to the meeting, but that he wanted to give someone else a chance to comment. I appreciated his willingness to set this important boundary with this good brother so others could contribute. I believe it takes great discernment to know when to step in and when to back off and allow others to struggle.

Fifth, it’s important to be honest about your own limitations and protect your physical and emotional resources. Pretending you have unlimited time and energy is dishonest and weakens the support you give others. Alma wished he could be an angel and declare the word of God to the entire world. Even though this wish has been fulfilled for today’s prophets by the miracle of satellites, Alma would have run himself ragged trying to get to every spot on the earth to declare his message. He surrendered his desires to the Lord, trusting that all would be well.[vi] This is a good model to follow when we are up against our limits. For example, if you don’t have the time to spend listening to a friend who is struggling, see if you can reschedule for a better time.

Let them know you want to give them your best energy and attention. In doing so, you’re honoring the existing commitments you’ve already made to others, especially your family, so they don’t get your leftovers.

Sixth, trust in the times and seasons of the Lord. Elder Richard G. Scott taught this beautifully when he said:

After Alma baptized his followers in the Waters of Mormon and formed the church of God, he taught them about consecration. He instructed them that “the people of the church should impart of their substance, every one according to that which he had; if he have more abundantly he should impart more abundantly; and of him that had but little, but little should be required; and to him that had not should be given.”[viii] Consecration isn’t about how much you have to give, but how much you’re willing to give if you had it. Your desire to give all says everything about your commitment to consecration. Since we all have limited time and energy, our only offerings may be our desire to be there for others. Your offering is just as acceptable as someone else’s offering who may physically have the resources to meet a need you long to meet.

Miracles in the Waiting

Book of Mormon Reminder: Resist Voices That Stir Hate and Violence

LDS Fiction: A Trio of Regencies

Seek to Be Converted

Delicious Recipes for Your All-American Picnic

“You Can Have What You Want or Something Better”–Come Follow Me Podcast #20: Num. 11-14, 20-24, 27

Inviting the Baby Jesus into Our Home at Christmas

Your Hardest Family Question: My ex-husband is playing games with his visitation

Question:

Answer:

Your Hardest Family Question: Can my controlling and angry husband change?

Your Hardest Family Question: Should I tell my son-in-law to stop yelling at his kids?

Your Hardest Family Question: How Do I Make Friends in My Ward When My Spouse is a Non-Member?

“Checking Our Blind Spots”

Your Hardest Family Question: I’m afraid of commitment

Your Hardest Family Question: My daughter is marrying a guy we don’t like

Taking the First Steps After a Sexual Betrayal

Your Hardest Family Question: How can I say “no” and still be Christ-like?

Illuminate Podcast: A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex

FEATURES

A Special 35th Year Anniversary Church History Tour

Hastening Now: A Weekly Church Report

“You Can Have What You Want or Something Better”–Come Follow Me Podcast #20: Num. 11-14, 20-24, 27

A Country Doctor’s Healing Encounters with the Hereafter

Finishing Exodus, Furnishing a Home – Why Exodus Ends with Upholstery

Seek to Be Converted

Reclaiming Your Divine Identity After Divorce

INSPIRATION FOR LIVING A LATTER-DAY SAINT LIFE