Line upon Line

Some years ago, my husband and I were living in Florida looking for a home to buy. A friend in the ward let us know about a home in her neighborhood that soon would be available for purchase. We bought the property, and we moved in. We enjoyed the spacious corner, but the entire property only had one medium-sized tree, and that oak tree was in the wrong place. We felt troubled because our only tree sat just three feet from our bathroom window. We recognized that as the tree grew into fuller maturity, its roots would invade the piping underneath the bathroom part of the house and cause serious damage.

It appeared that the tree would need to be destroyed. We mourned the idea of losing the only tree we had, but we also knew we needed to be good stewards in protecting and preserving our home against future foundation instability. We called on an arborist to help us learn how to cut down the impressive oak. But to our surprise and great happiness, he advised us that we did not need to remove the tree. We simply could move it!

The arborist taught us about an important piece of equipment called a tree spade. A tree spade contains enormous arms with massive spades that can carve into the earth around an established tree and gently lift the tree from its hole; then the tree can be moved to a more suitable location. The arborist then gave us the name of an individual in the area who owned such a tree spade. Soon enough we’d picked out a lovely spot for the tree that would prove much healthier for it and for our home.

The tree’s moving day finally arrived, and the specialist transplanted our beautiful oak into a much healthier zone. As the years went by, it took root and thrived. On many different mornings I would look out the window and feel flooded with gladness we had moved the tree rather than just taken it out.

Sometimes emotions are like that oak tree which sat too close to our home’s foundation. Emotions are not bad, but at times they just are so close to us that we feel overwhelmed. In fact, certain emotions can feel so overwhelming that they seem that they are going to bust up our internal structure. Yet, like the innocent oak tree, emotions are not bad—after all, we came to earth to experience them. But strong emotions can encroach on our ability to think clearly if we do not understand how to move or position them into less overwhelming spaces. There are spiritual paths to help us in this significant learning process, and there are also other valuable resources to aid a healthier placement of emotions. Using these resources, we’re not bowled over when we experience heavy feelings. Today, I’m going to share a researched approach to help strengthen us while feeling strong emotions.

(Do know: This research is NOT for times of severe grief, clinical depression, or other serious situations. Yet, it has been shown that these kinds of tools can be helpful when we want to change crankiness, anger, discouragement, etc.)

Dr. Albert Ellis (1913-2007) was a therapist and researcher who created what many now call the ABC’s of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. These ABC’s can help us position emotions into healthier places for our lives, just like my husband and I positioned the oak tree into a healthier place that was better for both us and it!

Ellis’s ABC’s provide an excellent tool to help navigate and increase power during and through tricky emotions. Any time we feel frustration, anger, discouragement, or other difficult feelings, we can put these simple ABC’s to use.

In the diagram below, we see the equation that Dr. Ellis created:

Let’s look at this equation more closely. Dr. Ellis taught that:

• In life, we experience activating events.
• We tend to hold a belief (or a story told) about the event.
• As a natural consequence, we experience a resultant feeling and, subsequently, we behave in a certain way.

It’s that simple. Yet, if we don’t reflect on this instinctive process, we might feel powerless to change what could feel like a triggered response of anger, discouragement, or other tough feelings that arise from time to time. He taught that we are so used to experiencing emotions in certain situations that we don’t trace the connection of A + B = C. In other words, we’re not as aware that an Activating event combined with a Belief about the event results  in an emotional response; this process puts us in a reactive state, not a thinking state. On the other hand, his research showed that awareness of this equation brings empowerment. We can choose the direction of our emotions with practice. So few know this!

Dr. Ellis’s research, and others, indicate that when we begin to reflect on our emotions through a bit of a distance, research shows that that this “distancing-through-reflection” can increase calm. Why? Because we simply moved the experience a bit from us (think transplanting that oak tree).

In other words, awareness of Dr. Ellis’s ABC’s can create a shift in perspective. That shift in perspective can bring peace, calm, and resilience while living in these trying times. For example, how is it that the apostles and our prophet can be so enthused about the times in which we live? I think it may have to do with what they know and reflect on about the purpose of these latter-day events we’re seeing unfold before us! (For additional comfort, see also Doctrine & Covenants 21:6; 58:28; 90:24; 122:7).

When I first dealt with my serious head injury in 2018 and had to relearn a variety of skills, my husband helped me practice the Ellis ABC’s during the recovery, yet I wasn’t even aware of this at the time. During that injury, discouragement and depression moved into my life. It was a very difficult era. But, through my husband’s gentle coaching and expertise (he’s a mental health counselor), I was able to shift my paradigm and view my injury through a new lens—a lens that helped me see that challenging event with a different belief. I ended up working through Dr. Ellis’s ABC’S without even realizing it! My perspective—slowly—changed into a deeper connection to God because I changed my hurt thinking.

Many, including other authors and researchers, point to these kinds of paradigm shifts as intensely rewarding experiences. Let’s look at one example. Dr. Steven R. Covey, a well-known author and consultant, was riding one morning on the transit system in New York City. People were quiet. People were reading. Dr. Covey was resting. Then a man and his children entered the subway car, and the entire tone changed. The stranger’s children were unruly, grabbing at people’s belongings and jostling others. Yet, the father sat motionless next to Dr. Covey with his eyes closed, appearing not to care.

Dr. Covey remarks in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, that he felt a flash of frustration. He leaned over to the stranger and asked him to do something about his children. The stranger opened his eyes, looked at him, and shared weakly how the family had just left the hospital where his wife, and the children’s mother, had just died.  

Dr. Covey suddenly—in an instant—had an understanding of the real situation. Things weren’t as he had believed (that this man was an irresponsible dad with poorly behaved children). No, instead, he freshly understood this was a dad crushed with grief whose children were beyond panic. The scenario itself hadn’t changed, but Dr. Covey’s belief (or story he told himself) about it had. He felt flushed through immediately with love and asked the stranger what he could do to help. Dr. Covey had benefitted from the very real effect of the Ellis ABC shift with its huge impact.

Dr. Albert Ellis would explain this perspective shift (which does take practice) with his simple equation of A + B = C. The equation illustrates a reality that there are many different possible responses to a singular event, as seen in Covey’s experience and in this diagram below. Dr. Ellis taught that we actually can challenge the first belief (or story) we tell ourselves about a situation. Just as Dr. Covey realized on the subway, a first emotion of frustration doesn’t mean it is the most accurate emotion. The good news is that “A” does not necessarily require or automate “C”, as this chart demonstrates:

Also, Dr. Ellis would help us see that when we tell ourselves that an event is 100% bad, this typically will lead to a difficult emotion (such as the frustration that Dr. Covey experienced). So, let’s try this. Let’s imagine that I’ve been evicted from my apartment. This is naturally a heartrending and awful experience. Therefore, of course I would naturally be upset.

I could be justified in feeling this way! But that consequential feeling might not be one that I want to remain with. It’s too disempowering. Dr. Ellis would help me see that if I challenge the initial belief, I could replace anger and its resultant disempowerment with a different feeling altogether. The scriptures can help me in this understanding, also.

When I remember the promise in Romans 8:28, that “…we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are…called according to his purpose”, my perspective and therefore my belief (or story I tell myself about the experience) can be helped or modified to reduce the emotional distress. In other words, the same eviction situation potentially could be explained more like this in the following diagram:

Even if it seems impossible, Dr. Ellis and other researchers show reflecting can bring a greater sense of empowerment. And that empowerment can make all the difference in surviving a tricky experience.

So this brings us to the question: Is the Ellis ABC equation easy to apply?

It depends, but most often, it is not easy. It takes practice to deepen understanding of emotions and why we have them and how to use them for greater good. Reflecting on our feelings can shift tricky emotions into a more removed space. This removed space can make working with those tricky emotions a little easier. For instance, before the series of ten concussions that afflicted me in 2018 and 2019, my husband and I had experienced prior emotional anguish years before that.

As you may know from reading my previous articles, my son died of SIDS in 1994 and then, unexpectedly, eight weeks later my husband got laid off. It was a traumatic year, to say the least. Statements similar to “just buck up,” “move on,” “find a way to deal with it,” or “just stop caring” didn’t help. And even though my husband and I knew that the promises of God would eventually bless us, those feelings of shock and grief were huge and hard to deal with. It may take some time before it’s possible to look at using the ABC’s.

Years later, though, the Ellis ABC’s have taught me how to move difficult emotions into a mindful perspective. A mindful perspective can make hard feelings easier to reflect on. This has made all the difference for my family and me. So, in summary, as I look at the difficulties the world is experiencing now, I think of how frightening it all can seem. And while I know the peace that scriptures and faith bring, I also know that sometimes—even in the midst of our courageous faith—we still can experience anguish. And so, for when it’s appropriate to use, I offer this tool.

The next time you have a friend struggling with a tricky emotion, if they’re ready, you might ask if you could share a tiny thought that might make a difference. You could share Dr. Covey’s experience with frustration changing to compassion and why it did. And perhaps, the next time your friend experiences anger and wants to understand it, maybe you could pull out a piece of paper and write “A + B = C” across the top.

Identify the “A” part (of the equation) as the activating event, and then write down your friend’s tough event under the “A.” Then write down—underneath the “C”—the consequential emotion they felt during the event. Then, in the middle under the letter “B”, ask what is his or her current belief (or story they’re telling themself) about the event, and write it down. Simply writing it all down can help shed light on the mental process when we see it all before us in the light of day. Pausing to reflect this way can help move “the emotional oak tree” to a distance that feels far less threatening.

To make it an even fuller experience, you could take out a second piece of paper for your friend and write again the equation A + B = C across the top. Write down the same activating event under the “A.” Now (thinking of Dr. Covey’s experience) brainstorm with your friend what new stories could be told about that event to uncover a new belief or a new story, and then write that newly discovered belief under the letter “B.” Now, write down the emotion that naturally might arise (similar to Dr. Covey’s change). A chart such as this becomes like a virtual tree spade; it gives us breathing space and distance to heal from frustrating or difficult emotions. By writing them out, in essence we are moving the “oak tree” of emotion farther away from us so that we can see more clearly.

In conclusion, my husband and I discovered in Florida on that happy day that we could move our oak tree to a healthier place and not destroy it. This careful action protected the foundation of our home, and yet it also preserved a living entity, a glorious oak tree. Our emotions are part of our being. We do not need to destroy nor reject them; we simply need to understand them. One way we can do that to good effect is by using tools like this. When we write out the diagram of A + B = C, and label these with a particular experience, this process becomes one of empowerment. Writing out our emotions in a rational way gives us the breathing space to think clearly and to feel less destroyed by a frustrating event.

If you would like an easy chart to try this process, click below to download your own A + B = C copy to print and use as many times as you like. Of course, this is only one tool to gain understanding and control of our emotions. What other approaches have helped you with tricky situations? I would love to hear from you and perhaps feature you in a future article!

Cindy Sue Bezas, M.S., is a mindset trainer, author, and speaker who passionately believes all people are capable of great things. She obtained her master’s degree in Adult/Organizational Learning & Leadership from the University of Idaho, and her specific research focused on trauma recovery and low self-image. She is a multi-concussion survivor and host of the Concussion: There Is Hope podcast, which ranked #33 in Mental Health iTunes podcasts in the United States. To subscribe to the podcast for helpful information on concussion research, please visit this link (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/concussion-there-is-hope/id1493243455). To join her Facebook group, Cindy’s 30 Days to Done, click here (https://www.facebook.com/groups/cindys30daystodone/) to celebrate small wins in fun ways, 30 days at a time. (If you are experiencing persistent, low mood symptoms, seek the advice of a board-certified mental health provider for assistance. We need you with us!)