Singles

I recently read a letter written by a woman who was deeply concerned that her fiancé had told her that he had submitted his sealing clearance application months ago but never received the letter from the First Presidency granting his permission to be sealed to her. He later confessed that he had not yet submitted the paperwork because his grown children objected to his being sealed to someone other than their mother—from whom he was divorced. She wanted counsel about whether to end the relationship or attempt to work it out.

Let me suggest at the outset that every situation is different. I do not know any of the people involved, so this will necessarily be general educational information and not specific advice for any particular person or couple.

1. If a sealing cancellation or clearance is languishing for months, there is a good chance it is not at Church Headquarters but sitting on your Stake President’s desk. The process was streamlined a lot during President Monson’s administration. The stories you hear about people waiting many months or even years for clearance from the First Presidency to be sealed are no longer accurate.
2. There is a persistent belief held by some that their former spouse must give permission for them to be sealed to someone else. That is incorrect. A person to whom you were previously sealed will be provided a limited opportunity to send a letter making comments or stating their understanding of the reasons for the divorce. However, your former spouse does not make the decision or have a vote regarding whether you may be sealed to your new loved.
3. I suggest giving the fiancé some grace about the painful feelings of his children that their eternal family is being dissolved. He doesn’t want to hurt them and that makes him a good father in one important way. While I think the grown children are going to be fine, their concern shows that they are taking the process and the consequences of the process seriously, even though perhaps in a misguided way.
4. I don’t condone the lack of complete honesty. However, I can also imagine that, like many men, the fiancé thinks it is solely his responsibility to make everything work out the way it is supposed to. When people fall into the trap of thinking that way, they often hide the truth hoping to figure it out. I know an otherwise good and devoted man who got suspended at work and was on the verge of being fired, and he spent his workdays for a month going to the public library and hiding out because his shame would not permit him to tell his wife he was likely losing his job. He hoped that maybe he could have another job lined up before she found out, and he could tell her with his head held high. I repeatedly told him I thought this was a mistake.Ironically, when he finally told her the truth, he got a job offer within a few days. I think finding a job may have been related to moving back into a position of integrity. So, I don’t agree with what the fiancé did. I’m just saying that a lot of good and honorable men allow shame to prevent them from telling the whole truth. They become controlling, trying to make everything work out. And it is controlling to withhold information and appoint yourself as the keeper of the secret. Does that mean he will lie about other things? Maybe. How you handle this may set a precedent for your life together.
5. Sealing issues can be complicated and there is not a huge volume of doctrine to answer all the complicated nuances. For that reason, I think it is best to simply follow church policy and not worry too much about trying to puzzle out all of the eternal consequences. For example, if you are a man marrying a young widow, don’t worry about marrying a sealed woman. Know that a year after everyone involved has passed away, you will have a temple sealing performed, and a just and merciful God will sort things out so no one will be the loser. It will work out in the best possible way for everyone involved. In your situation, that means marrying the person you want to be with for eternity and explaining to the kids (even grown children) that his being sealed to another wife does not break their sealing to him or their mother. He can tell them they are welcome to express any feelings they may have. But having an eternal sealing to a wife is very important to him for his eternal exaltation. According to Elder Holland, no other person (their father included) can “block” their exaltation. Have the conversation with the grown children but then do what needs to be done—whether the kids agree or not.

You need to have a very frank conversation with this man about two things: (1) that his honesty about any important matter is more crucial to you than the matter itself—and it is essential that he not be controlling in his management of information that is important to you; and (2) that an eternal sealing is important to you, that it will not hurt his children, and that he should not try to outsmart God in gaming out the consequences of complicated sealing questions. You can explain to him that you can understand his hesitancy to disappoint his children and his hope that he could figure it out without you even knowing there was a problem. But from now on you want honesty, even when it is difficult and even when his pride may be involved. You can also tell him it is not acceptable to settle for a civil marriage to placate his children when he has someone who is willing to marry him for eternity.

Let me go a little further than this. I suggest that you have a “come clean” conversation, where you tell him all of your deepest regrets and fears and secrets, and anything else you think he may want to know but doesn’t. If there is something you don’t feel like telling him, that is the very thing you need to tell him. Did you violate the law of chastity during your marriage? Have you ever had an emotional affair that impacted a former marriage? Were you ever controlling or cruel with your former husband (or wife)? Did you often lose your temper? Have you enjoyed casual flirting with other men (or women) when your spouse is not around? Anything you are not telling or showing him, take the opportunity to be up front about it—even if you think it will cost you the relationship. And then ask him to do the same. That means he tells you if he has ever been involved in pornography or done anything violent when he is angry. It means he owns up to his own part in his divorce—as you do with yours.

Divorcees are very good at confessing the sins of their former partners. Very few recognize their own role in their divorces. Confessing another person’s sins is false vulnerability. Real vulnerability is confessing your own mistakes. I think in most relationships there are secrets people keep to “protect” the other person—which really means they are afraid of losing the other person if the truth comes out. Telling the truth and letting the chips fall where they may is far better than hiding something to deprive your partner of his or her agency by concealing what is at stake in his or her choices. If the other person chooses you, knowing all the truth you know, you can actually feel chosen because they are choosing you with all the facts. You need to foster an open and truthful relationship by telling the truth yourself and being non-judgmental when the other person tells the truth about himself. You can start by purging any secrets you have been keeping or half-truths you have been telling to make things look better than they really are. If you think he is generally a good man who was just acting on fear, you might consider working with it instead of just walking away. This incident may be an opportunity to foster something deeper between you.

In conclusion, let me say that many people do not make it easy to tell the truth. When they find out something they don’t like, they can be very shaming—and even demeaning—especially when the dishonesty is in relation to something they deem very important. Many are not accepting of our human flaws. Fearing consequences is not a good excuse for people to conceal or lie. But you can see how it may create an atmosphere where it seems like good judgment to lie or conceal—because telling the truth results in a lot of judgment and shame. So, consider how you respond to truthful but troubling disclosures.

I hate to say it, but the answer to most questions like this is “take a hard look in the mirror” rather than “take a hard look at the other person.” Of course, if you are marrying, you are taking a hard look at the other person. But the only person you can really control is yourself. So that needs to remain your focus. And don’t believe all the cheerleaders who say you are doing everything right and the other person is doing everything wrong. It is validating but often inaccurate and unhelpful.

I do not suggest overlooking blatant character flaws or repeated bad behavior that is going to be painful during a marriage. And you have to decide whether that is what you are dealing with. Often, I think we may be dealing with human foibles that trigger us because of the way we were treated in other relationships. So be really honest with yourself and your partner about how you have been functioning together and see what you come up with. Put it all on the line and see how he responds. Come clean with him or her and see if he or she will do the same.