Has there ever been anyone in your life who was so annoying? They had a habit, an idiosyncrasy, or some weird type of personality trait that it was just so incredibly annoying? Maybe it was your spouse, maybe it was your parents, maybe it was your best friend, maybe it was anyone with whom you have frequent contact. Now what do you do? Where can you find peace?
We understand that the fundamental part of the gospel of Jesus Christ is moral agency. People can choose how to act. So, what is my responsibility? Do I need to call them out? Do I need to make helpful suggestions on what they can do differently? Do I need to cut off contact with them completely because what they do is so annoying?
There are many times when we don’t have much of a chance to change other people. And I would submit we really do not have the power to change other people. When my wife and I were serving as facilitators for the Addiction Recovery Program at BYU-Hawaii, we learned very quickly that people need to choose to change. It should not and cannot be forced upon them.
Maybe we can look at two approaches.
The first approach comes from life coach Byron Katie who has written about a principle she uses to bring peace into her life. It is called The Work. When she was younger, she woke up on the floor of a rehab facility and had the stark realization that she was the one that needed to change. She no longer blamed her problems on her circumstances, her family, her work, or anyone or anything else. That is when she designed “The Work.”
In “The Work,” Byron Katie asks herself four questions about her beliefs about anything that is happening that cause pain. The four questions are: 1. Is that thought true? 2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? 3. How do you react when you believe that thought? 4. Who would you be without the thought?
After answering these questions, then we are asked to come up with a “turn around” sentence expressing the opposite of what we might believe. For instance, he/she has a habit that is annoying to me. The first thought could be, “That person is so annoying.” 1. Is that thought true? 2. How can I absolutely know that it is true? 3: How do I react when I believe that thought? 4. Who would I be without that thought? Then I can “Turn It Around.” For example: Are they trying to annoy me? Am I allowing myself to become annoyed? Am I being annoying? Am I being kind? Am I being patient? What would it be like if I accept that person despite their habits or idiosyncrasies?
So, our first approach is questioning how we let people’s words and actions influence us and how to turn it around.
Secondly, what if we look at the situation from another perspective. How am I doing? How are my habits, idiosyncrasies, and personality traits affecting others? What do I need to do differently? What do I need to do to strengthen our relationships?
Adjusting to Missionary Life teaches:
- Listen first. When you interact with others, you will notice some things that annoy you. You come from different backgrounds and have different expectations and “rules” for what is appropriate or normal. Their behavior makes perfect sense to him or her, even if it doesn’t to you. Find out more about how he or she sees things by asking questions and listening carefully.
- Respectfully explain what is bothering you. If you are critical or angry, they will likely become defensive rather than cooperative. Explain your problem and what you need rather than criticizing their bothersome behavior.
- Don’t take offense. Take suggestions, even if rudely given, with as much grace and humor as you can muster.
- Compliment them often. Thank him or her for things you appreciate.
- Be humble (see D&C 112:10). Ask others for suggestions on how you can improve.Also ask the Lord to help you see your weaknesses (see Ether 12:27).
- Try to do something nice for others every day.
- Pray for the gift of charity.Do so “with all the energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). Ask for eyes to see others as God sees them.
- Learn from other’s strengths and mistakes. Make a list of qualities you want to emulate or avoid when it is your turn to lead.
Further counsel comes from the scriptures:
Matthew 7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
Moroni 7:44-48: wherefore [we] must needs have charity.
45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.
May the Lord bless us to have charity even in the most annoying situations that we may follow His example and become like Him!
