For young missionaries, transfers occur every six weeks. It does not mean they are guaranteed to be transferred that often, but it’s either six weeks, 12 weeks, 18 weeks, etc.
How much can we learn about another person in six weeks? What kind of things help us to make an emotional connection as the foundation of healthy, meaningful relationships? What kind of questions can we ask? What kind of experiences can we have? How can we become alert in and aware of the other persons thoughts and feelings, hope and fears, and dreams and goals?
Sometimes new companionships might start off rocky and go downhill from there. Sometimes there is an adjustment and things continue to improve. Sometimes they start off great and continue to grow stronger… It’s like we knew each other and were great friends in our pre-mortal existence. Most times, it takes work and patience and caring and kindness to understand someone else and to draw closer to them. Sometimes missionaries give up right away. Instead of taking the time to develop those bonds of friendship and companionship, they can’t wait for the next six weeks to end.
How often do we approach dating the same way? Or our relationships with family, friends, roommates, co-workers, teammates, ward members, etc. What can we do to deepen the relationship and create something worthwhile and long-lasting ? For those of us who are married, how often do we take the time and dedicate our energy to deepen our emotional connection?
Adjusting to Missionary Life offers the following suggestions for developing relationships with our companion, with our missionary leaders, and with our friends of the church. I would submit that these can also apply to our other relationships.
- Be calm, curious, and compassionate. Be curious about what others are thinking and feeling. Ask questions, listen carefully, tell the other person what you think you heard, and ask if you understood correctly. If not, try again.
- Learn to ask inspired questions. Learn and practice questions to get other people talking. Ask people about their work, hobbies, family, or personal history. Ask about what matters most to them, what they yearn for or worry about. Listen for opportunities to testify of a gospel principle that will be relevant to them. Show your sincere interest. Be willing to answer their questions about you as well, keeping the focus on their needs and your message. (See Preach My Gospel, 183–84.)
- Find simple ways to get others’ attention. Try simply smiling, making eye contact, waving, saying hello, paying them a compliment, offering help, or asking questions that start with who, what, when, where, why, or how.
- Ask for feedback. Not everyone is good at “reading” other people. Ask your companion for help if you have been told you have trouble noticing when other people are uncomfortable or uninterested.
- Focus on helping and ministering to others. As you turn your attention to others’ needs, you will feel less self-conscious about your own needs or inadequacies (see Mosiah 2:17).
- Compliment your companion often. Thank him or her for things you appreciate.
- Learn about the culture, history, and lifestyles of the people you serve. Keep a list of things you love and appreciate.
- Pray for the gift of charity. Do so “with all the energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). Ask for eyes to see others as God sees them.
- Serve Church members, investigators, and others. Ask them questions about their lives, beliefs, and experiences until their behavior makes more sense to you.
- Pray for people. Include in your prayers the ones who reject you and hurt you (see 3 Nephi 12:44).
- Find ways to serve others.Missionary work is a call to service. Focus on looking outside of your own feelings of discomfort to minister to those who are in need of a kind word, an act of charity, or friendship. (See Preach My Gospel, 168–69.)
When I was a young missionary, we often became excited about upcoming possibilities of transfer to new companions and new areas. We were even excited when we were leaving good companions in good areas. Then one time our mission president taught us a great lesson. In zone conference, the assistants to the president gave each of us a letter notifying us of a new transfer to a new companion and a new area. We were so excited! And they had us simultaneously open our envelopes.
As we opened our envelope, we all had this similar transfer. Mine said, “Elder Kittelson, you are now hereby assigned to a NEW Elder Cline, to a NEW St. Etienne, with NEW district leaders and NEW zone leaders.” In reality, all of them were the same as before. The lesson was: how can we put our excitement and our energy into developing our own attitudes toward our companion, our areas, and our leaders. How can we apply this lesson for each of us no matter our circumstances: in our relationships, in our homes, in our work, at school, at church, and so on?
May the Lord continue to bless each of us every six weeks (and every day!) as we strive to develop deep, loving, caring relationships.
