Before and immediately following my divorce, I had a pretty tough time for about five years. It was, by far, the longest period of major depression I have ever experienced. I can’t really explain the debilitating effect of being depressed for that long. I had major financial problems, and so much anxiety that I could hardly bring myself to open my mail. My career had bottomed out, and I had no life energy, enthusiasm or mental clarity to figure it out.
About the only thing I really cared about was my kids. I didn’t even really care about myself anymore. A big part of the depression I experienced came from the judgments I hung on my own situation. “I didn’t get married to get divorced.” “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” “I’ve lost my opportunity for an eternal family.” “How could someone I lived with for so long decide she didn’t love me?” I did not consciously realize those thoughts were optional.
In 2013, I moved to Midland, Texas, sight unseen, for a career opportunity. The job wasn’t a dream come true; but it gave me steady income and allowed me some financial breathing room. I felt like I could actually relax and breathe easier for the first time in five years. I started to come out of my funk and appreciate the good things in my life.
Within the first few months, I was able to replace my old clunker with a crossover SUV with leather interior, a sunroof, and a nice stereo. I loved that car. It was comfortable and fun to drive and, most important, reliable. I had been driving a clunker so long that I just felt extremely grateful every time I got behind the wheel. I enjoyed that car so much more because I was so grateful for it. In fact, the persistent thought I had during the three years I spent in Texas was that gratitude is the key to happiness. I cannot enjoy anything more than I appreciate it.
In Texas, my life was still not what I had pictured as a younger man. I was still divorced and single and didn’t get to see nearly as much of my youngest son as I wanted. I didn’t have the career I had envisioned when I was younger (I am an almost incurable idealist.) But I was extremely grateful to have a pretty good income. I was more grateful still that my oldest son was living with me full time and preparing for a mission.
He made great friends in Midland. We both did. When we first got there, we rented a mother-in-law suite from a wonderful family while we were waiting for an apartment to open up. They became a family away from family for us. We still love them and remain in touch with them often. They had five cute little girls whose enthusiasm and carefree spirits brought some light back into my life. I have a second cousin in Midland that I am close to also, and I got to spend more time with her and her family.
My time in Texas taught me that I could be grateful in less-than-ideal circumstances—and that could make all the difference. Somehow, gratitude for our blessings leads to more abundance. Consider this promise from the Lord:
”[H]e who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more” (Doctrine and Covenants 7:19).
Here’s the thing friends. When I was married to my first wife, with two beautiful children, a nice house, and a fairly successful business, I thought it was all just normal. That’s what people do right? They grow up, they get married, they have babies and careers, and they buy a house. I thought of it as just normal. But, if it is just normal it isn’t special. If it’s just normal, you sort of feel entitled to it. Having a spouse, kids, a car, a career, and a house is just having what everyone else has, right?
My salient point is that gratitude is the most important key to happiness. Oddly, losing everything taught me that I value exceedingly my lovely wife, my four beautiful sons and daughter-in-law, my granddaughter, my great career that came to me miraculously, a comfortable home, a fun and reliable car, and LILY. It’s not all just normal. It is very special. I appreciate all the abundance a loving Heavenly Father has restored to me. I look to the future with bright hope and enthusiasm for better things to come.
If you are struggling with the depression and pain of loss that afflicts so many mid-singles of our faith, find things to be grateful for. Think about the things the Lord has blessed you with instead of the misery life has dealt you. Accept the place you are in—and really surrender to it. That doesn’t mean you don’t aspire to better things. But stop fighting battles that are over. Once you have given yourself time for grief and processing, stop dwelling on past events that cannot be changed. I know from painful personal experience, that path leads to depression, weakness, and despair.
This Thanksgiving, think of what you are grateful for. List your blessings. Let the thought of them fill your heart with so much joy that there is no more room for despair. As we focus upward and forward, with genuine gratitude for all we have, we will be filled with joy, and more full enjoyment of our blessings.
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
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Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email:
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