In dating relationships, healthy communication is an essential part of resolving issues and building trust. When one party refuses to engage in dialogue, shutting down discussions and withholding responses, they are using a tactic called stonewalling. While it may seem like a protective move or a temporary escape from conflict, stonewalling is far more dangerous than it appears.

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling occurs when one person withdraws from conversation, refusing to participate in meaningful communication. Stonewalling is, effectively, the silent treatment—an abrupt end of a discussion with no resolution. While anyone might need a break from conflict to cool down, stonewalling goes beyond a pause. It’s a deliberate effort to avoid addressing an issue, leaving the other person feeling frustrated, unheard, and even unvalued. Stonewalling is effectively, cold contempt. Hot contempt is where one partner actively communicates that he or she is better than his or her partner, stonewalling is where one partner shows cold indifference to the other partner’s pain.

Psychologist John Gottman, who is well-known for his research on relationship dynamics, has identified stonewalling as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—four behaviors that predict the end of a relationship. Alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, stonewalling undermines the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

Why People Use Stonewalling as a Trump Card

Stonewalling is a defense mechanism. Some people stonewall because they feel overwhelmed by emotions and don’t know how to respond constructively. Others use it more strategically, as a way to control the conversation or avoid responsibility. Stonewalling can create a sense of power over the other party, holding the relationship hostage until the issue is dropped or they get their way. Stonewalling is the ultimate trump card. The stonewaller always “wins,” but at a terrible price. The stonewaller gets his or her way by simply refusing to listen to his or her partner or engage in a way that accepts any influence. In effect, stonewalling tells the partner you don’t care about his or her pain.

Stonewalling is a passive-aggressive form of manipulation. By retreating behind a wall of silence, the stonewaller puts pressure on the other party to give in, thus using stonewalling as a tool to shift power dynamics in their favor. This tactic can be particularly damaging because it sends the message that the feelings or concerns of the other person are not important.

As John Gottman wrote in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert:

“Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his stay-at-home wife, and responds by turning on the TV. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stonewaller.”

The Emotional Toll of Stonewalling

For the person on the receiving end, stonewalling feels like abandonment. It can trigger feelings of rejection, anger, and anxiety, especially when important issues are left unresolved. Over time, this emotional distance creates resentment and erodes the bond of trust.

Stonewalling doesn’t just affect the emotional well-being of individuals; it also undermines problem-solving in relationships. Issues that go unaddressed tend to fester, often reappearing in other forms of conflict. Without open communication, even minor disagreements can escalate, contributing to a cycle of frustration and avoidance. A stonewalling partner gives the message “I don’t care.”

As Dr. Gottman wrote, stonewalling is painful because it sends a message of abandonment:

“During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives plenty of cues to the speaker that he’s paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, and say something like ‘Yeah’ or ‘Uh-huh.’ But a stonewaller doesn’t give this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.”

Generally, a person begins to stonewall in the attempt to avoid conflict in the relationship; though research demonstrates that a stonewaller is just as emotionally disrupted (as measured by vital signs) as someone in a yelling-screaming fight with his or her partner. Often the stonewaller resorts to disconnecting to deal with an overtly aggressive partner who seems threatening as a form of self-protection. And some stonewallers come from a history of abuse by more powerful individuals like a parent. Being unable to escape, they simply disconnect and go somewhere else in their minds while the abuse is occurring.

How to Break the Cycle of Stonewalling

  1. Recognize the Pattern: The first step is identifying when stonewalling is happening. Is one person regularly shutting down conversations or avoiding difficult discussions? Does one partner regularly say, “I’m not talking about this anymore!” or simply go quiet and become non-responsive? Awareness can help break the cycle. Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. If you are utilizing it in your relationship, it is important to see how serious it is and take steps to create the problem.
  2. Create a Safe Space for Communication: Often, stonewalling occurs because one or both parties feel overwhelmed or afraid of the confrontation. Establishing a safe, non-judgmental environment for dialogue is crucial. That can be difficult because a stonewaller has often established that pattern before the couple got together. If you tend to be threatening or aggressive, verbally or even physically, the first step to creating safety is to learn to cope with your own fears. That will help you to more easily create a safe space for your partner.
  3. Take Breaks Constructively: If emotions are running high, it’s okay to step away from a conversation, but it is important to do so in a way that encourages future dialogue. Saying, “I need a break to calm myself, but let’s continue this in an hour,” reassures the other person that the conversation and the partner aren’t being abandoned. When you make these promises it is imperative that you follow through and actually come back in an hour to demonstrate that you are trustworthy.
  4. Seek Professional Help: In cases where stonewalling becomes a recurring issue, a counselor or therapist can help facilitate healthy communication and teach conflict resolution skills.
  5. Don’t marry a stonewaller to begin with: Many readers of this column are single. Some are single, at least in part, because they stonewalled their partners (or were married to stonewallers) during a first marriage, and the partner could no longer deal with it. Date long enough and intentionally enough to ensure that the person you love is willing to have mature, adult conversations about difficult subjects. If he or she finds it necessary to disengage to calm his or her emotions, can he or she reengage and work more collaboratively. Be sure to date long enough to understand how your partner handles conflict and if he or she becomes a different (translate: hostile) person during a conflict and treats you like an enemy.

Stonewalling Is No Solution

Stonewalling may feel like a quick fix, and it may make you feel in control of the relationship—but it is an illusion. Stonewalling is ultimately a dangerous trump card in any relationship. It stops progress, breeds resentment, creates emotional distance and alienation, and leaves important issues unresolved. You “win” by defeating your partner and driving him or her out of your life and taking yourself out of his or her heart. The real solution lies in open, honest, loving, and respectful communication. Only through dialogue can we truly understand each other’s perspectives, heal wounds, and strengthen the ties that bind us.

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About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

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