Home Alone is one of our family’s favorite Christmas movies. The kids think it’s a story about an eight-year-old boy fighting with two burglars. The adults recognize it is a story about an eight-year-old boy fighting with his family. This movie is a Christmas classic not because it takes place at Christmas time. It is a classic because it deals with a theme that we all can relate to–getting along with our family members.
Ideally, we will seek to have harmony in our family relationships all year long. However, during the holidays the pressure is on to be “merry and bright,” no matter how we feel about one another. The holidays are all about family, getting together, playing games preparing meals, enjoying one another’s company. The image that tugs at our heartstrings is one of a person who is lonely during the holidays and has no family with which to share these special days.
Spending time with family members may be a challenge when there are unresolved conflicts between family members. Some people have the ability to bite their tongue, or put on a happy face, whether or not they are happy to see one another. However, the spirit of Christmas invites us to love one another sincerely, without pretense, and to demonstrate that love when we are together.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ enables us to be “At One” with our Savior through repentance and obedience to his gospel. The Atonement of Jesus Christ also enables us to be “At One,” with our family members sometimes through repentance, and sometimes through forgiveness.
Letting Go of Grudges
Facing a person who has injured us can be difficult. Our go-to defense mechanism is to avoid them. However, this might not work during the holidays when all family members are expected to be together at family gatherings. The gatherings can be far more pleasant if we can sincerely let go of the wrongs that have been done to us. Whether another sibling got a larger portion of Grandma’s inheritance or failed to pay back a debt, or revealed a trusted confidence, or said critical words or bailed on a promise–no matter the offense–it need not destroy family relationships.
Often, we hold onto a grudge as a way of punishing the offending party. We fear that if we treat them kindly, or with love they will not recognize how gravely they have injured us. We “keep them in our debt” by reminding them, through our anger and disappointment, that they have hurt us. Our refusal to let go of the hurt forces them to re-live their crime, to continually feel guilty about what they have done.
It takes great effort to hold onto a grudge. It’s a lot easier to “let go and let God.” We can be reassured that Jesus Christ will make everything right. If someone has wronged us and they deserve punishment, we can relax and know that God will decide on an appropriate punishment; that it is not our responsibility. His punishment will be just and fair. He will know exactly what the offending party deserves. He will also know if they have sincerely repented, and he will judge accordingly.
Rather than feel satisfied that the offending party will get what they deserve we might even feel compassion. I had a client who was molested by her grandfather. When it was discovered that he had also molested other grandchildren he was sent to prison. My client wept for her grandfather. He got what he deserved, but she still felt sad for him.
Allowing Ourselves to be Healed
The Atonement of Jesus Christ assures us that the repentant will be saved, and the guilty will be punished for their own sins. The Atonement of Jesus Christ also assures us that all will be made right for the sinned-against, or the offended party. Therefore, if we are the offended party, we have access to the healing balm of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
There are so many beautiful images in Isaiah that help us appreciate the comfort that comes from allowing the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal us. Isaiah says the Savior will be a “strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat… that The Lord God will wipe away tears from of all faces” (Isaiah 25:4,8). It almost makes you want to fall down and skin your knee just to have The Lord wipe away the tears.
Allowing Others’ their Freedom
Hurt feelings often occur because we expect something of a loved one and they do not deliver according to our expectations. In this case no one is really at fault. There is no offender, just a misunderstanding. For example, sometimes we expect a loved one to attend a certain event and they choose not to. When such things happen, we will want to allow our loved ones their agency. We don’t want to guilt them or shame them or manipulate them for making a decision that is different from the one we expected. We can choose not to be offended when someone arrives late, brings the wrong “Plus One,” refuses to eat what we have prepared, fails to say, “thank you,” or is simply a no-show.
Offenses occur when we take others’ decisions personally. However, in many cases their decisions have nothing to do with us. Our hope is that our loved ones seek our company because it is the desire of their hearts, not an obligation. Our loved ones will be more likely to seek our company when they are convinced that we won’t “punish them” with our anger for a decision they made. They know we will love them one way or another.
I recently read that “getting together with family” is America’s #1 favorite thing about the holiday season. I don’t know how scientific the data is, but the poll claimed over 90% of respondents rated family get-togethers as the best thing about the holidays and only 3% rated the presents as the best thing about the holidays. As we think about the presents we will give to our loved ones, we can be reassured that the best gift we can give them is to love them just the way they are.
JeaNette Goates Smith is a retired Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her books on family relationships can be found at Deseret Book, Covenant Communications and on her website, www.smithfamilytherapy.org.
