Singles

One of the most persistent beliefs I have observed among middle-aged Latter-day Saint singles is that they have missed their chance. Many believe they have “blown it” through poor choices of their own or marrying the wrong person. Many despair of ever finding love (or finding it again if they have loved and lost). Many believe all the good potential spouses are taken, and all that are left are people with “problems” and “baggage.”

One comment I recently read in a Facebook singles group said “Trust no one: stay single. I have yet to meet an honest loyal man. Social media and the internet has made healthy relationships virtually impossible.” The first comment underneath that comment was “100 percent agree with this!!!” A post by a middle-aged man in the same group asks: “What are your thoughts on this ladies? I have found this to be true on occasion. You often ask where the good men are – but often women want the bad boys.” He then posted a video of a woman explaining that women prefer bad boys because they like “drama” and “passion.” I could go on and on with examples of negative and pessimistic posts I have read in Facebook groups devoted to discussions of dating.

In 2021, Elders M. Russell Ballard and Gerritt W. Gong noted that more than half of the adult membership of the Church is single. So, the lack of other singles to choose from is not, by itself, an impediment to getting married. But pessimistic thinking and traumatic relationship histories convince many of us that dating and marriage are dangerous and not worth the pain and effort. A woman who believes that there are no honest and loyal men in the world because of social media will “trust no one” and “stay single.” A good man who believes that, most often, “women want the bad boys” will be overly cautious and tend to avoid dating or see “red flags” around every corner.

Is it more common for divorced men to be dishonest and disloyal? Perhaps on average it is more likely because such men are more likely to be divorced and may repeat the same behaviors. Is it more common for divorced women to be attracted to the “bad boy”? Again, a divorced woman who chose a “bad boy” last time and failed to learn from her mistake may overlook good men in favor of the same type she fell for the last time. But these are far from universal tendencies. I have known many good men and women who had troubled marriages and divorced, who did a lot of self—reflective personal development work and made much better and more intentional relationship choices thereafter.

By and large, the women I dated in my mid-single years were outstanding people. Cathy would vouch for many of the men she dated in the same way. And I believe we were both more selective than most in the people we chose to continue dating and pursuing relationships with. Does that mean we simply lived and dated in a different universe? Well, it is true that we have been married for almost seven years. But people in the mid-singles community were making the same kind of comments when we were out there dating. A fair number of those people are still in the mid-singles community, continuing to despair that there are no good men or no good women left for them.

If you are newly single at middle age, let me assure you that there is hope and you have not blown your chance at life’s sweetest blessings. One of my favorite scriptures is found in Joel 2:25 where the Lord promises, “I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten[.]” In that passage the Lord promises to compensate for bad harvests and other setbacks. But, in a supernatural way, the Lord is also promising to restore the “years” you might believe have been lost in a failed relationship or other endeavor. So many times, middle-aged singles talk about marriage at middle age like it is some sort of consolation prize that is only marginally better than nothing after their original marriage failed.

Please never forget that the gospel we believe in is a gospel of redemption and the plan of salvation is a plan of redemption. That means if we have made mistakes or suffered disappointments, our God does not leave us to suffer with those circumstances alone. He has “called you out of darkness into his marvellous light” (1 Peter 2:9). Sometimes we are required to be patient and let God show us a way when we can’t see a way. He does this to help us develop faith in the power of His divine love. What does that faith look like? It doesn’t look like “trust no one and stay single” or “women just want the bad boy, and decent guys don’t stand a chance.” Faith sounds more like, “Heavenly Father, I haven’t met the right person yet, but I know he (or she) is out there, and I thank you that you are preparing us for each other.” Faith feels more like taking classes, reading books, participating in spiritual discussions and other intentional efforts to prepare for that special person when you meet him or her.

Remember the words of the Lord to the Prophet Joseph Smith that:

“[I]ntelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own; judgment goeth before the face of him who sitteth upon the throne and governeth and executeth all things” (Doctrine & Covenants 88:40).

In other words, we attract what we are. Your best hope is to take charge of the thing you can control and leave the rest to Heavenly Father. Don’t waste energy wishing the world was different, that there were more abundant dating options, that women weren’t concerned with your paycheck or wanting a bad boy, or that men seem to want to date a perfect model.

Focus on acquiring for yourself the qualities you desire in your future partner. Don’t expect a partner who is kind and patient if you can’t control your temper. Don’t expect a partner who is physically fit if you haven’t hit the gym in 10 years. Don’t expect a partner who is devoted to the gospel and temple worthy if you haven’t darkened the door of the chapel or opened your scriptures in several years. We attract what we are. Become what you most long for in your future partner. Prepare to be the kind of partner that person would want to spend eternity with.

Writer Anne Bauer wrote about her life in the early days of her first marriage in an almost idyllic way—before her hopes were crushed:

“It was, when I look back, a sweet time. I had faith that we could overcome any obstacle and imagined our future in various storybook ways: presiding over Thanksgiving tables, dandling infant grandchildren, rocking companionably on a porch.”

“But after a dozen years, my husband became disillusioned and began drinking — eventually losing his job, bankrupting us, and leaving in shame. At 33, I found myself suddenly broke and alone with three children.”

“Marriage was a sham, I decided; it lulled you into a false sense of unity. I vowed I would never make this mistake again.”

Does this sound familiar? I thought my first wife and I could conquer anything so long as we were together, and imagined the future with a successful career, presiding over abundant Thanksgiving dinners and other cherished family events with our (eventual) five children. My reality after 15 years of marriage looked very different from the beautiful and sweet visions of my young and idealistic self.

Anne met a soft-spoken mathematician named John with whom she traveled to interesting places, who was genuinely interested in and good with her children. After several months of dating, he proposed marriage. She hesitated and initially refused him because of her past relationship trauma. Anne wrote, “I loved him — that much I knew. But alone, I’d grown stronger: finishing graduate school, teaching out East, then moving back home to write a book. Now, at 40, I was in better shape, physically and financially, than ever. What’s more, I liked the clarity of raising kids and owning a house on my own.”

“Why ruin all this with marriage? I wondered.”

I have heard many Latter-day Saint singles express exactly the same sentiment. But Anne continued, “Turning 40 wasn’t at all what I’d expected; rather than hurdling over some milestone, I had the sense of being washed clean. It was the perfect time to start over. And being here with John in this strange place felt like a beginning.”

“Inside, my old faith flared. It was tempered this time with hard-won experience from the past 20 years. Yet I realized I still wanted my storybook ending. And while it hadn’t worked simply to believe willfully in forever, perhaps I could figure out with this quiet, careful man how to make it come true.”

“Eventually I would say yes to John. We would marry by fall. But that night I only lay beside him, feeling his warmth, seeing my life open in front of me, filling with hope again.”

Your story with any former spouses or other partners was part of your path. None of it was wasted. Though it may not have turned out how you hoped, it is a part of your story and lived experience—not merely a bit of mortality’s “tough love” education—though that may be one benefit you can look back on with gratitude. You can still have your storybook ending, including the love you idealistically dreamed of as a younger you, and the happiness that may have eluded you in the past.

Today I honestly look back on my mid-single years with fondness—the road trips with my sons and the fun we had, the interesting women I dated and got to know and the friendships that endure, rebuilding my life financially and getting in better shape, taking a trip to China and later to Africa, and reconnecting with many old friends and cousins who were such helpful support to me at that time of my life. My mid-single years were, in and of themselves, a sweet time. They were part of my story; and I would not give up those memories for anything.

But I did give up my mid-single life with no regrets when Cathy agreed to be my wife. I believed then and still believe that she is my storybook ending—the wise and kind-hearted person with whom I can figure out how to make that storybook ending come true.

Resource:

Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.

About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:

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Connect with Jeff & Cathy:

Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
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