Line upon Line

The Shrinking Section and the Shrinking Emphasis

I walked into the downtown, across-from-temple, Salt Lake Deseret Book flagship store this week (like many authors, Linda and I used to walk into bookstores all the time just to see how many copies they had of our parenting and family books and how they were displayed—we don’t do that much anymore, now that most books are sold on Amazon or DeseretBook.com or other places online.)

But this time when I walked into Deseret Book, I could not even find the family or parenting section, so I asked a young employee.  He showed me, at the back and on the bottom of a generic “non-fiction” section, a single-shelf sub-section labeled “Marriage” and on the shelf just above it was another tiny label: “Family and Parenting.”

I asked the employee, who looked to be an earnest young father, why the once-large family sections had shrunk to a couple of shelves.  His reply was interesting.  He said something like “I don’t know, it seems like in this Church those should be our biggest sections, front and center!”

I supported his argument by telling him that most big box bookstores like Barnes and Noble do still have a prominent section on family/marriage/parenting.  How can it be, we both wondered, that this incredibly family-focused Church of ours seems to be, at least in its publishing, downsizing on family even as the larger world feels an increasing need?

I have peddled that question around a bit, to Church and publishing leaders, and I get answers like “Parenting and Family books don’t sell like they used to,” and “Parents get their help from blogs and short social media posts and podcasts these days, not from books.”

As a writer of parenting and work/family balance books, and as a devoted member of the Church with by far the most familycentric theology in all of Christianity, you will understand why I have concerns as I watch the emphasis on both doctrinal and practical family topics wane.

“Themes” in General Conference and our “Brand” in the World

But let’s not measure emphasis just by books—the mention of “family” has also declined in General Conference talks, and related words like “homemaking” or “parenting” have almost disappeared.

And Church advertising and public relations efforts no longer aim nearly so much at family images and messages. We may not particularly like the idea of the Church having a “brand,” but the idea of being known far and wide as a Church that focuses, both spiritually and practically, on family relationships and commitments is, at every level, a very good thing.

You may remember, as I do, some past General Conferences where it seemed as though every address was directly or indirectly about family, eternal family, family exaltation, marriage, parenting, or the sanctity and priority of home.  And if you are 40 or over, you can remember when the Church pretty much owned the Family “brand” in most of the world—those were the days of Homefront advertising spots and seemingly constant PR and earned media efforts (and even the programing on BYU radio and TV) all prioritizing and focusing on family. Linda and I, for years, hosted a weekly BYUTV show called “Families are Forever”

In today’s world, we understand Church leaders’ reticence to focus too much on marriage and children when half of the adult membership of the Church is single.  No one wants to appear to focus only on half of the Church, or to polarize those “without families” from those “with.”

But that suggests the very point we should be making:  No one is without family—we are all part of, and play various roles in earthly families, be it son or daughter, cousin, uncle or aunt, or parent or spouse; and we are assured of the chance to play all of those roles either in mortal or spirit world circumstances.

And we are all—every one of us—eternal and equal members of the family of our Heavenly Parents.

One might wonder if decreasing marriage and births rates in the Church are the cause or the result of leaders talking less about those topics.

What was the Prime Focus of the Early Restoration?                                          

Conceptually, what may most distinguish the Restored Gospel from all other Christianity is the revealed truth of literal Heavenly Parents and the two-way eternity we share with Them, within which we progress toward the goal of a familycentric exaltation via the plan of Christ (His Atonement, His Church, His Priesthood and His Covenants.)

President Oaks said it perfectly, “Our theology begins with Heavenly Parents and our greatest aspiration is to be like Them.”

And no goal is more natural than this, because we are already like Them in that we are Their children, we have Their spiritual genetics. Unlike the “fallen man” perspective of other Christian faiths, we see ourselves as the literal offspring of God, thus growing more like Him is not about reversing but about fulfilling our natures.

When asked what the Restoration was all about, many would rightly say that it was about Christ and His Church.  And while that is certainly true, and without question the Restoration amplifies and expands our personal understanding of Christ and our relationship with and dependence on Him as the glorious and indispensable means of our salvation; perhaps an even larger share of latter-day revelation focuses on our Heavenly Parents’ plan of Happiness, and on the end of exaltation (not really the end since there is no end, but the end defined as the goal and destination of the plan) wherein we are like Them with both eternal life and eternal lives.

Perhaps the proportions of what was restored reflects directly on what was lost, and the chief casualty of the Apostasy was the knowledge of our relationship to our Parental God and our capacity to grow like Him. Without this, man views himself fallen and separated rather than endowed and connected; and we are left with a limited vision of a one-way eternity with binary destinations of heaven’s rest or hell’s torment.

This incomplete and disheartening view diminishes God’s “work and glory” (His goal to bring to pass our immortality and Eternal Lives) and cannot comprehend or enjoy the fullness of His plan.

Plans are meaningful only when they lead to a goal, and conversely, when goals are unclear, plans can lose their destination and their power. Of course, this can never happen to God’s goal or plan, nor can it happen in the macro of His Prophet-guided Church, but it can happen in the micro to our individual perceptions or understanding of how the two (God’s goal and plan) fit together.

The Restoration—both its purpose and its content—makes the greatest sense when we view it through the inclusive, eternal familycentric lens of God’s end (or glory or goal) for us, which is Exaltation; and His means (or enabling plan or path or guide) which is the Savior’s Atonement, Priesthood, Covenants, and Church.

So, in the simplest vernacular, the destination is Eternal Family, and the path is Eternal Jesus.

The goal is not more important than the plan, nor the plan than the goal.  They are inseparably intertwined; they exist together and constitute what God called His Work and Glory.

Perceptions, Statistics, and Pendulums

The most accurate perception that we as members of His Church can have of ourselves is as children of our Heavenly Parents pursuing Their goal for us through the plan which They have provided for us; all made possible by Christ and His Atonement, Covenants, and Church.

And the best perception that others could have of us is the same.

In this context, the two things we should teach and talk about most are Eternal Family and Eternal Jesus

And we do!  Those are, from General Conference to Ward meetings to Church Publications, the two most emphasized elements of our faith. But sometimes we might ponder and evaluate the balance between the two, because if the focus, or our perception of it, swings too far toward one at the expense of the other, the power of both can be undermined.

There have been General Conferences—perhaps peaking about a decade ago—where it seemed that every address was about family, either the priority of family life, the doctrines of eternal marriage or eternal parenting, the emulation of Heavenly Parents, or the practical skills needed to make families stronger; and where it seemed that Christ or His Atonement or our worship of Him was mentioned only in passing.

This latest Conference, as part of a wonderful recent trend, was the reverse.  It seemed that every talk focused directly or primarily on Jesus and on worshiping Him and following Him; and references to Heavenly Parents or family, let alone full messages on their preeminent importance or on how to do more or be better within them, were scarce.

This graph from BYU Studies Quarterly (vol.62 Issue 4 Article 8 2023) illustrates the point: The beautiful and current sharp rise in mentions of Jesus Christ in General Conference began about a decade ago and is accompanied by a decline in the mention of family.

This graph reveals a striking rise in mentions of Jesus Christ in recent General Conference talks—and a simultaneous decline in focus on family, parenting, and covenants. As Richard Eyre asks, can we regain the balance between the plan and the goal, between Eternal Jesus and Eternal Family?

My faith in the Prophets who guide this Church leads me to believe that the balance of emphasis on Eternal Family and Eternal Jesus will continually reconcile and restore, but my concern is whether we as individual Church members will grasp the importance of that balance and seek it in our own personal lives.

Because when the focus on eternal family fades, there are ramifications culturally and societally as well as spiritually. Even when Christ is the main emphasis, if it is interpreted as an individual rather than a family focus, the danger is that we begin to view the individual as the basic unit of culture and society as well as of religion and faith, which produces very different outcomes than when family is perceived as the basic unit. Paradigms where the individual is the basic unit drift toward selfishness and isolation while conceptions of family as the basic unit encourage stewardship, sacrifice, and connectivity.

Over-focus on the individual may even give people the false notion that they can achieve exaltation on their own, ignoring President Nelson warning that “salvation is an individual matter, but exaltation is a family matter”. (And of course the correct kind of family focus leaves no one out, since we are all part of earthly families and of God’s family; and will all have opportunity for marriage and children of our own either here or in the Spirit World to come.)

Yet conversely, if the core-message pendulum were to swing too far back to Eternal Family, at the expense of Eternal Christ, (while we might re-gain the image and “brand” of family that we enjoyed for decades but have now largely lost) we could be perceived, (or begin to perceive ourselves) as examples of family priority and commitment, but not necessarily with that family focus connected to our complete dependence on Christ in all things, both personal and family.

Not Either, but Both…and the Big Picture

The beautiful and simple reality, of course, is that family, no matter how committed, is not eternal without Christ, and that worship and followership of Jesus, no matter how earnest, is not eternal in His presence without family.  Just as Jesus is inseparably connected to His (and our) Heavenly Parents, so They, and we, are inseparable from Their Son and our Savior Jesus Christ. The means are within the end, and the end is within the means. The goal requires the plan, and the plan requires the goal.

If we try to expand our paradigm to what we can imagine as God’s level, we can think even beyond the balance of these two priorities for and among the 17 million souls within the Church; and try to understand that the whole world needs, perhaps as never before, an example and a catalyst to pull it toward full belief and commitment to both Eternal Christ and Eternal Family.  We are the only institution on earth with the awareness, the perspective, the wherewithal and the prophesized destiny to be that example and catalyst.

And to zoom that lens out even further and respond directly to President Nelson’s ever-more- frequent references and urges to prepare for the Second Coming, we can surmise that the two things that will “hasten the day” are the sufficient presence (both in the church and in the world) of belief in and commitment to both Eternal Christ and Eternal Family.

Feedback and Conclusion

As most Meridian Readers know, I have a group of “collaborators”—good friends who I ask to review and give me feedback on almost everything I write.  On this article, their input was so good that I want to quote directly from some of them—simply because they say it better than I could, and because I feel that their comments complete and conclude what I want to say.

About the balance needed between our focus on Christ and on the Eternal Family, one good friend said:

It seems to me that rarely do we achieve a proper balance of most anything initially. We swing like a pendulum from one side to the other in an ever-moving back and forth. Perhaps we are off center to one side right now, ripe and ready for movement back to the middle on the balance of airtime between Family and Christ. Thanks to your observation, I will be watching with tutored interest to see if that balance shifts back the other direction.

Another very close friend clarified,

…searches on the word family don’t necessarily reflect what’s been spoken about in general conference. How often are the stories that are told about the speaker’s children or spouse? that constitutes talking about families. Also, Come Follow Me represents a huge emphasis on the family.

And then added,

I like this phrase a lot—”So, in the simplest vernacular, the end is Eternal Family, and the means is Eternal Jesus.” 

And a third long-time friend tried to correct my perspective very gently:

My first reaction is that many members of our Church have taken on the worldly view of family – fewer kids and focusing on our self-fulfillment.  They aren’t really interested in books on parenting and families, but then again for those that are, there are tons of podcasts that take the place of books…Women think they now live in an enlightened time when they can be more than mothers.I think that as the Church leaders have seen so many people struggle to stay in the Church, these leaders have received divine revelation that the only way to save marriages and families is to have every individual focus on Christ and get a personal relationship with Him.  Not only will people get stronger testimonies, but they will be better parents.  And… the only way their children will grow up and stay in the Church is to have a personal, strong, testimony of their own with their own personal spiritual experiences.  Then when everyone is centered on Christ, their goal of being an eternal family will come to be.

And one of my own sons had a similar view,

I feel like the prioritization of Christ over all things makes all things stronger including (and maybe especially) families. In the prioritization of Christ – because He is the means – we overcome, we connect, we forgive, we lift and we love more…I think that is part of the majestic power of the atonement and the focus on Christ – that it has the very real power to improve, redeem and overcome everything including (and again maybe especially) family challenges…I certainly don’t want to undermine the hugely important (and intense) need that we have for practical family improvement ideas and effort. I just think those are magnified by, and often can be created by, a focus on Christ… Maybe what I am trying to say is that I completely agree that the means is Christ and the end is exhalation and eternal family, and that exhalation is a family matter. And I wonder if a focus on The Means is the way to both get there and strengthen families here. 

I pushed back a little on what my son said—and maybe subconsciously on what that third friend had commented—and wrote back saying:

I do agree that if someone is fully in tune with the Spirit of Christ they will be drawn toward relationships and commitments.  Yet it is possible to be completely devoted to Christ as an individual and not necessarily moved toward family or the idea of family exaltation.  Think of Catholic nuns or priests who essentially “marry” Christ and make that their single and crowning relationship and commitment at the expense of ever having families.

Usually in life, it is our GOAL that moves us toward finding a PLAN.  (We want to get to a certain “end”, which causes us to look for the “means” to get there.)

In the Gospel, if we are taught to strive for the goal of exaltation, it is almost certain that that pursuit will inevitably bring us to the plan or means of Christ.  The reverse may not always be true in life.  Someone with a plan will not automatically know the goal it is leading toward.  Thus no matter how committed someone is to Christ, it may not inevitably reveal to him the goal of exaltation.

Of course the best of all worlds is the balanced and connected and synergistic relation of the end and the means–each not complete without the other—thus perhaps the best conference would be one where exaltation and connected, covenanted family was equally prominent with Christ and His atonement and example and Church.

But I had to “think-again” when one of our daughters responded:

I for one, am overjoyed that they are focusing more on Jesus. As someone who has yearned for more Jesus in the temple, more Jesus in Easter sacrament programs, more Jesus in every lesson in the church, this is salve to my soul. To me, like my brother said, everything good comes when we focus on Jesus, even strong families. We are able to fix family relationships because of Jesus. We are able to understand that we are ALL in God’s actual family because of Jesus.

So, for what it is worth, after all was said and done, and as I, still thinking, sent this article off to Meridian, I was at this conclusion:

Neither the “goal” of Eternal Family as exemplified by our Heavenly Parents; nor the “plan” of Eternal Jesus implemented by His life, sacrifice and Church—should ever compete with or rob from the other. If one is emphasized at the expense of the other, we may miss the big picture and the joy of the full, heavenly perspective.

Richard Eyre, a frequent Meridian contributor, is a New York Times #1 Bestselling Author with more than 50 books in print. His new online course HOW TO LIVE the Second Half of Life is described at https://valuesparenting.com/how-to-live/