During close to a decade in the singles community, and in the four years since Cathy and I published Intentional Courtship, I have consistently observed that new divorcees (me included) spend a lot of time telling their stories and re-living the experiences that led to their divorces. At first, these conversations serve the functions of: (1) helping to release the trauma of the loss or leading to the loss; (2) receiving validation and support from family and friends to bolster a self-image that has sometimes taken a beating in an unhealthy relationship; and (3) helping the divorcee to find meaning in the traumatic loss.

In the wake of a traumatic loss, it may be tempting to encourage the divorcee to “move on” or “get over it.” But it is important to understand that divorce is a loss to be grieved every bit as much as losing a spouse to death. Even if the relationship was abusive and we think the person should be happy to be out of the situation, it is not that simple for the individual experiencing the loss. When marriage is unhealthy, there may be lingering codependence issues. After a lengthy marriage ends, an individual may struggle with his or her identity outside the marriage. During the time the marriage was unraveling, the individual often struggled silently to cope with deep disappointment that the marriage was not what he or she had hoped it would be.

Even in a deeply dysfunctional marriage, there was love and emotional investment. Often those who made the strongest internal commitment to make their marriages work experience the deepest pain when those marriages end. Divorcees often experience deep, internal self-doubt and a sense of guilt that, perhaps, they could have done something more to save the marriage. Imagine how someone in that situation must feel when a well-meaning friend says, “you just need to focus on your own actions and stop blaming your ex.” While that is a healthy piece of counsel, it may be ill-timed when the pain of a divorce is raw, and the individual is struggling with shame and a battered self-image.

When a divorce is new, you may see one spouse moving on and seemingly “set free” and happily pursuing another relationship while the other is still “stuck” in pain and feelings of betrayal. We may be tempted to compare the two people. Perhaps we think the person who has moved on and seems happier is emotionally healthy and the person who is still grieving is “stuck.” Alternatively, we may be inclined to see the one who moved on quickly as callous and disloyal and sympathize with the person who is still grieving. While either of these possibilities may accurately describe the situation, there are other potential meanings. For example, it is common that one spouse is struggling in the marriage and trying to make it better while the other is failing to understand or take seriously his or her spouse’s pain. When the struggling spouse finally gives up and asks for a divorce, the other spouse is just waking up to the seriousness of the situation. While the struggling spouse has been grieving the loss and coming to terms with it for some time, the other spouse is just beginning to grieve. That one person may be further ahead in the grieving process does not necessarily reveal the moral fitness or fault of either spouse nor does it suggest that either spouse is less mentally healthy than the other.

Divorcees hold on to the pain because, deep down, it serves them in some way. When the pain of divorce is raw, the feeling of being “in the right” gives some meaning to the loss. In the end, the enlightenment that can come through self-reflection and the Holy Spirit reveals that being “right” is a hollow victory because being an innocent victim of someone else is not a satisfying outcome. Sometimes we cling to our victim status because we don’t know where else to go with our feelings.

Ultimately, healing will allow a person to accept his or her role in the divorce and learn from it. This happens as the divorcee is able to let go of the pain. The Lord declared that those who “forgave not one another in their hearts” were “afflicted” and “there remaineth in him the greater sin” (Doctrine & Covenants 64:8-9). Hearts are “afflicted” when they hold on to resentment and bitterness because resentment is a pain multiplier. I suggest that the “sin” is “in him” rather than “credited to him” or “pertaining to him” because the anger and bitterness lives in our very hearts.

The subject of forgiveness often takes my mind back to an Elders’ Quorum President with whom I served as a counselor. We’ll call him “Paul.” I was relatively new in the ward and did not know many of the members yet. One Sunday after we concluded a presidency meeting, the President told me that he had previously been married to a woman in our ward (“Shannon”) who had an extramarital affair with a co-worker (“George”). A divorce resulted, Shannon remarried her affair partner, and Paul was devastated. At the time, he was the sacrament meeting chorister. Each Sunday morning, Paul sat on the stand and painfully watched Shannon and her new husband walk hand in hand into the chapel.  He went to see the Bishop and asked to be released from his calling as chorister. The Bishop was understanding but kindly told him “Shannon is working on repenting and being re-baptized. If she does, she will be forgiven. George is also working toward being baptized. If he does, he will be forgiven. So, if you cannot forgive them, you could be the only person carrying any sin out of this life from this affair.”

Paul took the Bishop’s words to heart and made the decision to forgive. He told me that, over time, his heart truly changed. He ultimately remarried and created a healthy co-parenting relationship with his former wife and her husband. At the time we had this conversation, Paul was serving as George’s Elder’s Quorum President. George had missed church that day because he was sick. After our meeting, Paul delivered hot chicken soup to George’s home—ministering in love to the man that had broken up his former marriage. No one would have blamed Paul for remaining bitter. But he was a joyful person because he chose to let go of bitterness and rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ. That kind of forgiveness comes only from “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).

True forgiveness toward a former spouse often takes time. As President James E. Faust said at the April 2007 General Conference “Forgiveness is not always instantaneous” and “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss.” Often a divorcee “working through” the trauma includes repetitively telling the same story to family and friends. When I was passing through the crucible of divorce, I understood that I would probably wear any one person out. So, I reached out to several people who were good listeners, rather than placing the entire burden on one or two people. President Faust added that “A sister who had been through a painful divorce received some sound advice from her bishop: ‘Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.’”

We often need time to forgive because we instinctively hold on to our pain. Trauma teaches us to protect ourselves by holding on to pain to keep us on guard against future painful events, which often sabotages our efforts to create relationships in the future. As the Family Services Staff of the Liahona wrote in August 2022:

“The desire for this eternal connection to others is ingrained in our spirits, but sometimes because of relationship traumas we aren’t sure we’ll ever be able to have these eternal relationships, including celestial marriage. In healthy relationships, we can be open and vulnerable. However, we live in a fallen world, and relationships are not always healthy. Those who have received deep emotional and spiritual wounds in relationships, even if it was long ago, often wonder if they can ever be vulnerable and open to share their love again with another person.”

A common problem I have observed is that many singles have difficulty moving beyond processing their pain to a point where they can see their divorces more objectively. Instead, many stay stuck in the idea that their big mistake was marrying the wrong person—and if they can simply marry better, they will have a happy marriage the next time. This thinking often results in long lists of things the divorcee will not tolerate from a future partner. But lists, conditions, and warnings will not protect you from pain or dysfunction in future relationships. While it may make sense to examine when you may be repeatedly attracted to a certain kind of abusive personality, simply trying to avoid the wrong partners is not enough to guarantee marital happiness. Self-reflection and, where possible, therapeutic interventions can help to be more intentional in how you choose function in more stable relationships in the future.

The problems with relying on simply choosing better next time are: (1) nobody is perfect and even the best relationships will experience misunderstandings from time to time; (2) trauma from past relationships sensitizes us to see minor problems as frightening and more substantial than they need to be; and (3) the only person you can control is yourself, and working on yourself is the best way to prepare for a new relationship. Even if your partner was primarily at fault, you can only do your own half of the relationship. Believing that can solve future problems by focusing on getting your partner to change is wishful thinking.

When Cathy and I interviewed Dr. Greg Baer, author of the bestselling book Real Love, we asked him what divorcees could do to create better relationships after a divorce. His answer was, “be more healed.” Being more healed includes being humble and honest about your history and your weaknesses rather than playing games or pretending to be what you think your partner wants. Being more healed includes telling people how you really feel rather than holding back and refusing to take the risk of exposing your true feelings. Being more healed means knowing your worth and the worth of your dating partners and knowing that your worth does not depend on their approval. Being more healed means that you have begun to see your own role in the divorce and that you can speak respectfully to and about your former spouse. Being more healed means you may speak of your former marriage and spouse incidentally, but no longer need it to dominate conversations or have every conversation ultimately turn to the divorce story.

When the pain of divorce is fresh and raw, it is tempting to think that having a happier marriage is simply a matter of choosing a better partner next time. Forging a better relationship depends much more on being self-reflective and intentional, and healing from past traumas so you can carry your half of the relationship better than you were capable of in the past. Healing from divorce is a deeply personal journey that requires time, introspection, working through trauma verbally and, often, a great deal of faith. While the pain of divorce may feel like a defining feature of life in its immediate aftermath, true healing allows us to reclaim our identities, learn from our experiences, and embrace the possibility of joy in new relationships.

Forgiveness—of ourselves and our former spouses—is not about condoning past wrongs but freeing our hearts from the burden of bitterness and blame. As we work to “be more healed,” we become better equipped to cultivate the kind of love that is rooted in authenticity, respect, and emotional openness. In the end, the path to healing is not just about moving on but moving forward, stronger and more prepared to build meaningful and enduring connections.

Resource:

Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.

About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

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