I married my wife Cathy 7 years ago this month when I was 50 years old—the greatest blessing of my mortal life. A couple of years later, we wrote a book called “Intentional Courtship” for mid-single Latter-day Saints. You can find it on Amazon. Over the last four years, we have done a lot of coaching and gone to a lot of weddings for mid-singles.
In our book, we suggested beginning a personal development journey and continuing it after marriage. We continue to believe it is wise to be intentional about your healing journey, personal development, and affirmative efforts to become the kind of person you want to marry. The problem I have sometimes observed with this idea is that many people who desire to get married get stuck in personal development and say, “I’m just working on me,” and don’t get around to reengaging in dating. I agree that our focus needs to be on our own development and not on nitpicking another person’s worthiness. But I also think you can engage in personal development while you are dating and meeting people. You don’t ever get to a point where you can say “I have arrived! I am now ready to be the ideal spouse!” Every person is a work in progress. When Cathy and I met, we were both actively engaging in personal and spiritual development and making meaningful progress. Our primary point of connection that blossomed into love was our love of personal development and spirituality. If we had thought about it, we might have predicted that one day we would put our heads together to write a personal development book.
After a divorce or the death of a spouse, it is advisable to take some time to grieve before jumping into another relationship. It is good to evaluate what could have been better in your last relationship and how you might have been able to do better in that relationship. But don’t take longer than you need. Life is short.
What keeps mid-singles from dating? A group discussion might yield numerous formulations of the same idea. But the answer for mid-singles is the same as it was in our twenties. The answer is fear. And people find all sorts of contorted strategies attempting to find love without risk. But risk is the price of admission. Some people say “I’m just working on me” endlessly, and plan to simply “attract” the right person who will come to them without any effort. This idea is deceptively simple and comfortable, but generally untrue.
BYU family science professor Brent Barlow used to say that “God can’t steer a parked car.” I believe in preparing to attract the right person, but part of your personal development journey ought to be finding the courage to reach out to others. If you meet someone great, don’t stand endlessly at the end of the metaphorical high dive looking down at the water. That is terrifying. Don’t spend weeks and months “laying a foundation” just to ask someone for a date. Run toward your fear and take a flying leap off the end of that high dive and just ask. And if you belly flop, take another shot with the next person who seems to be the type of person you want to get to know.
I don’t disagree at all with the idea that personal development will make you a better spouse and attract better prospects. I applaud your personal development efforts and encourage you to keep up the good work. But that is not enough. You also need the courage to do something about it when you meet someone great. And too many mid-singles that want to be married are hiding behind the idea that “I’m just working on me.” You can work on yourself and date other people at the same time.
The reason I originally started writing “Intentional Courtship” was a discussion I saw in a Latter-day Saint-mid-singles group on Facebook where somebody posed the question “How long since you last went on a real date?” The very first answer was “14 years.” A few people mentioned having been on dates recently. But the large majority had gone for three years or four years or 10 years or some other lengthy amount of time without going on a real date. And this was a group dedicated to dating. People actively participating in discussions about dating had not actually dated in years. In a group dedicated to dating most of the members were not dating—at all! We have more ways of meeting people now than ever before. And lots of people who want to date still aren’t dating. (Sisters, please don’t respond to this by blaming the men saying that there aren’t any real men left. If you believe that, you don’t know where to look or you are passively waiting rather than being intentional. You cannot be passive and then blame the men for also being passive.)
In the final analysis, personal development and healing are not destinations—they are lifelong journeys, best undertaken in companionship with others. If you are waiting until you feel completely “ready” before dating, you may be waiting forever. Growth doesn’t stop when a relationship begins, and love doesn’t come without risk. As Cathy and I have discovered through our own experience and through coaching many others, meaningful relationships are often born from the shared commitment to becoming better together—not from individual perfection. So don’t let fear masquerade as preparation. Be intentional—not only about your growth, but also about stepping forward in faith, making connections, and opening your heart to love. Life is too short to sit on the sidelines. Dive in!
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email: lo**************@***il.com
