In this episode I interview Melissa Ruff from Live Free Wives on the subject of trusting yourself after betrayal. We discuss:
- Why rebuilding trust with yourself matters
- What happens when someone is betrayed and why they begin to disconnect from their own sense of reality and truth.
- How to reclaim your sanity, your identity, and have healthy relationships.
Connect with Geoff Steurer:
Visit www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources.
About Melissa Ruff:
Melissa Ruff is the director for Live Free Wives, a long-time group leader for betrayed women, and is studying to become a Licensed Professional Counselor. She lives with her husband of 13 years and their three wonderful children.
Neil CJune 22, 2021
Labelling a person without seeking to understand the core problem is guaranteed to prevent forgiveness, healing and even strengthening the marriage which can happen when the core problem is understood and addressed. The Saviour message of hope to the adulteress makes clear that even adultery can be fully recovered from. The adultress wasn't immediately forgiven as she needed to take part in the process of repentance. To "go and sin no more" was the start. Those who participate in an act of betrayal are able to fully repent and gain forgiveness of self and by the affected wife/husband. Those who are affected by the betrayal can also be healed - provided the reasons for the betrayal are understood. Adam was commanded to "cleave unto Eve" i.e.: to sever any and every relationship, hobby, interest, work - anything that would prevent him from being completely united with Eve. Of course, we can have all of those things, so long as Eve remained the priority. Adultery can be added to that list. To not forgive places us in the same company as those seeking to stone the Adulteress. That in no way diminishes the anger, hurt and devastation that is experienced! When the core (non-sexual) basis of the betrayal is understood, it can be addressed. Affairs are often a crisis of identity, a desire for an alternate reality in which the 'betrayer' can reimagine and reinvent themselves. Unfulfilled expectations, unspoken resentments, and unmet longings, feeling important, feeling desired, all play a part. Affairs are not about the other person, they are about being a new you, an escape from being the person you have become or the situation you are in. It is not about leaving the person you are with (Abusive relationships excluded). Sex is usually the medium, but it is not what is being sought. The commandment to love others wasn't conditional. The very real feelings of being hurt, betrayed and devastated will take time to heal, but they can heal. Here again, the Saviour showed us the way to forgive, when he asked Heavenly Father to, "Forgive them for they no not what they do". In a similar way, those that commit adultery, don't fully realise what they are seeking as it is an emotional course of action.