Even if the grandfather doesn't sexually abuse the baby, she is being programmed for grooming and sets her up to think that sort of behavior is ok or normal - like having no say if someone is touching or looking at her. This sadly happened to our daughter and ended up being a really hard experience for our family. Trust your gut. Don't ignore red flags. Put up boundaries and limit contact. Even if he protests that he's her Grandpa, you have to say that you have family rules and it's for her protection. If he is angry, he's obviously not looking out for her welfare first.
RickFebruary 5, 2018
Please understand there is a distinct difference
between those who view or are addicted to pornography and pedophilia. One may lead to the other however, the professional literature is replete with conclusions that pedophilia may be a psychological condition that may be permanently present. This is not to say that it is uncontrollable but it must be treated with strict limits, professional counseling and controls for a lifetime.
For one to be fixated on viewing the genitalia of a child in diapers should at a minimum be considered a threshold diagnosis for pedophilia.
Family and marriage counselors can play a key role in therapy, however it is highly recommended that a psychiatrist be engaged.
You would be well served to study and understand
the current literature.
My experience is from the perspective of l40 years of legal representation for children who have been sexually abused.
SheraFebruary 5, 2018
I think the advice was good. But I would have put more emphasis on trusting your intuition and the spirit. The things that were mentioned were red flags, and the mother noticed that. I’m sure that she’s noticed other things that are difficult to put into words and so they’re not talked about, but they leave a bad feeling. Be kind but firm with boundaries (or just firm). And if the mother and her family is living with her in laws, they should think about getting a place of their own. People who abuse want to blur boundary lines but we can’t let them.
Janet CrinerFebruary 4, 2018
Take the baby in the bathroom to change her and lock the door behind you. NEVER let him babysit your children. Your feeling he can't be trusted is your warning he really can't. Children who are molested rarely get over it; it changes their brain, and their lives forever. Don't take a chance, please!
vickieFebruary 2, 2018
what I wonder is how they found out about the father in laws problem with pornography and if they know that then what detail do they know about it. was it about children or adult pornography?? the fact that he has a problem with it was brought out at some point and it means something. the feelings the parents meaning both have uncomfortable feelings about him might mean the Holy Spirit is warning them. I'm different and everyone is but in this case I would watch his every move and then let him know what they know and that they are concerned about his obsession. confrontation isn't easy. safety of the child is more important then feelings of any party because it will affect the rest of her life.
BeverlyFebruary 2, 2018
I don't know what other boundaries this family may have already but I would suggest that you set boundaries for hugging and kissing those close to you/your daughter. I know that often times in Mormon culture we expect our children to be affectionate with their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. We expect them to hug and kiss when someone leaves or comes. If a child doesn't feel comfortable doing this we should not make them. It sets them up to have no boundaries when they feel uncomfortable like this couple now feels. We need to help our children have boundaries that protect them.
CarolFebruary 2, 2018
Just staying with them and retrieving the daughter will only work while she is tiny. By the time she is walking, the boundaries need to be clear and respected, because the parents cannot stay with a mobile chlld 24/7 - especially if they have more than two to watch (that's one each, and it becomes a full-time job).
I would think it would work best for the son/husband to establish the boundaries with his father - and it would likekly be helpful to enlist his mother's support..
BruceFebruary 2, 2018
This mother needs to trust her instincts! She and her husband need to lay down ground rules with this grandfather and expect him to follow them. He is merely the grandfather; not the father. He does not make the rules of what he can and cannot do and observe. That fact that he rolls his eyes and does what he wants anyway shows that he has no respect for the parents' authority over the children. Take Action!
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Been thereMarch 30, 2018
Even if the grandfather doesn't sexually abuse the baby, she is being programmed for grooming and sets her up to think that sort of behavior is ok or normal - like having no say if someone is touching or looking at her. This sadly happened to our daughter and ended up being a really hard experience for our family. Trust your gut. Don't ignore red flags. Put up boundaries and limit contact. Even if he protests that he's her Grandpa, you have to say that you have family rules and it's for her protection. If he is angry, he's obviously not looking out for her welfare first.
RickFebruary 5, 2018
Please understand there is a distinct difference between those who view or are addicted to pornography and pedophilia. One may lead to the other however, the professional literature is replete with conclusions that pedophilia may be a psychological condition that may be permanently present. This is not to say that it is uncontrollable but it must be treated with strict limits, professional counseling and controls for a lifetime. For one to be fixated on viewing the genitalia of a child in diapers should at a minimum be considered a threshold diagnosis for pedophilia. Family and marriage counselors can play a key role in therapy, however it is highly recommended that a psychiatrist be engaged. You would be well served to study and understand the current literature. My experience is from the perspective of l40 years of legal representation for children who have been sexually abused.
SheraFebruary 5, 2018
I think the advice was good. But I would have put more emphasis on trusting your intuition and the spirit. The things that were mentioned were red flags, and the mother noticed that. I’m sure that she’s noticed other things that are difficult to put into words and so they’re not talked about, but they leave a bad feeling. Be kind but firm with boundaries (or just firm). And if the mother and her family is living with her in laws, they should think about getting a place of their own. People who abuse want to blur boundary lines but we can’t let them.
Janet CrinerFebruary 4, 2018
Take the baby in the bathroom to change her and lock the door behind you. NEVER let him babysit your children. Your feeling he can't be trusted is your warning he really can't. Children who are molested rarely get over it; it changes their brain, and their lives forever. Don't take a chance, please!
vickieFebruary 2, 2018
what I wonder is how they found out about the father in laws problem with pornography and if they know that then what detail do they know about it. was it about children or adult pornography?? the fact that he has a problem with it was brought out at some point and it means something. the feelings the parents meaning both have uncomfortable feelings about him might mean the Holy Spirit is warning them. I'm different and everyone is but in this case I would watch his every move and then let him know what they know and that they are concerned about his obsession. confrontation isn't easy. safety of the child is more important then feelings of any party because it will affect the rest of her life.
BeverlyFebruary 2, 2018
I don't know what other boundaries this family may have already but I would suggest that you set boundaries for hugging and kissing those close to you/your daughter. I know that often times in Mormon culture we expect our children to be affectionate with their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. We expect them to hug and kiss when someone leaves or comes. If a child doesn't feel comfortable doing this we should not make them. It sets them up to have no boundaries when they feel uncomfortable like this couple now feels. We need to help our children have boundaries that protect them.
CarolFebruary 2, 2018
Just staying with them and retrieving the daughter will only work while she is tiny. By the time she is walking, the boundaries need to be clear and respected, because the parents cannot stay with a mobile chlld 24/7 - especially if they have more than two to watch (that's one each, and it becomes a full-time job). I would think it would work best for the son/husband to establish the boundaries with his father - and it would likekly be helpful to enlist his mother's support..
BruceFebruary 2, 2018
This mother needs to trust her instincts! She and her husband need to lay down ground rules with this grandfather and expect him to follow them. He is merely the grandfather; not the father. He does not make the rules of what he can and cannot do and observe. That fact that he rolls his eyes and does what he wants anyway shows that he has no respect for the parents' authority over the children. Take Action!
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