I agree with some parts of JeaNette's advice, it is important for kids to date a lot of different people before their mission. This allows them to discover what they want in a spouse and it also teaches them important dating etiquette. I however disagree with the concept that dating pre-mission should be more like hanging out. You can hang out before you are 16. When boys and girls are hanging out non-paired off it is just like when they are hanging out as friends as 14 and 15 year olds. They learn nothing new from it. Turning 16 means learning how to date which will prepare you for dating when it is time to find "the one". How will a boy learn to open the door for his date or politely pay for her (which are things girls see as being a gentleman, not degrading or archaic)? In addition, saying that when a boy pays he is implying that he is expecting something in return from the girl is just wrong. It's assuming things about guys that are really degrading. I've had multiple guys pay for me on dates and do their best to make sure nothing physical happens, they clearly did not expect me to give them anything. Just some thoughts.
KristinaJuly 14, 2015
Like Debrah's son mine took a lot of girls out on dates and seldom asked anyone twice. Most of them were friends and they were in the same group of friends and went to the same parties. It was clear to him and to the girls that he was following the advice given to not pair off but he was accused by other boys of being a player. And this was in Utah County, where the majority of these boys were LDS. I don't think it was the parents who expected their teens to pair off but they also hadn't been effective enough in teaching them what is clearly spelled out in "For the Strength of Youth", available to every young man and young woman and their parents and leaders.
Tamara RobertsFebruary 28, 2014
I found this very interesting. As a mother of many teens and serving in the stake women's I see this Pre-mission dating problem every weekend. The idea of just groups going dutch is so much more likely to happen. Yet, it doesn't feel like I'd call that a date either. Are we maybe just saying don't date until college?
Great discussion and ideas.
JennaJuly 21, 2013
Wise words! Going Dutch helps set boundaries on the level of seriousness.
TeancumJuly 16, 2013
That's the problem with pre-mission dating; it's confusing and awkward. Due to this current age in society a youth ( I speak for young men as I don't know if this happens with the young women) is often questioned by their peers, both member and non-member, of their sexual orientation if they have friends of the opposite sex. So us young men feel pressured by both our peers and our parents to be exclusive, and if a young man is anything but "exclusive" when he dates he is viewed as a "player" or "unfaithful" and "not trustworthy". Another problem is that many young men have no clue how to even talk to someone of the opposite sex other than their mothers. Believe it or not it's almost an art form for a young man to talk to a young lady casually with no romantic interest. I know that there are parents who encourage their kids not to exclusively when they date before they are looking for an eternal companion, but again this just confuses us even more, due to the fact that, as I mentioned earlier in my comment, to societies views on dating it's either "be exclusive or don't play the Dating Game at all". Further more there are more and more youth who are dating before they turn the magical age of 16. I believe that this is also due to society. In this day-in-age teens feel the urge to be "more adult" by dating at very young ages and in turn becoming sexually active during their teen years as well, and since there is so much of this going on around us we youth feel overwhelmed by the pressure and some give in. Again to many non-member teens it's odd if a young man has friends of the opposite sex. THey are often asked if the young man and his friend are dating, and in some cases if a young man has more than one friend of the opposite sex, he is often asked if he and his other friend "broke up" or if he is a "player" or in some cases if he is gay. If you don't believe me just trust me I speak from experience. Where I live many non-member kids started dating as early as the third grade and in very few cases even earlier than that. when I say that a young man will be asked if he is gay or if he's a player, or if he and his other friend of the opposite sex broke up; I know this because I've been there; I have 4 younger sisters and no brothers, so I can socialize with girls better than boys, and I have been asked on more than one occasion if I was gay. It's because of everything that I have mentioned in this comment that I have decided to wait until I have gotten home from my mission to date, because anything before hand is more drama and more trouble than it's worth.
KarenJuly 16, 2013
Some very good points. Please note that the term "rites of passage" is the correct terminology.
ktn July 16, 2013
Great idea! Unfortunately, my kids do not live in a LDS area, and here if a girl goes out with a guy more than once, it is assumed that they are sleeping together (because, turns out, they usually are). That is what promotes the idea that she is a player if she goes out with someone else a week or two later. I doubt that the fact that she paid for her own movie or meal or whatever would make much of a difference to her classmates. That is the real challenge--because of the assumption by the other kids that any couple--even a "couple" of only a week's duration--is indulging in intimate activities, the talk starts. Even if the two involved are merely friends. These are high school kids we're talking about--gossip is their life! And most of my kid's non-LDS classmates cannot imagine an opposite-sex friendship without "benefits". Sad but true.
DebrahJuly 16, 2013
A few years ago my boy set a goal to date 100 girls before his mission. He mase it clearly known to the girls that he was dating each only once before the mission and he had a wonderful time. The dates had to be on the cheap and so dates included a packed lunch of peanut butter sandwiches and oil aid reproved from a picnic basket of fine DI china on a muntainside or an early morning breakfast in PJ's.
he would tell the girls what number they were and some still stop me on the street and say I was number 64 and we sure had fun.
The best thing about it was that he dated girls who had never been asked out. Because everyone knew the dates were justw for fun and not for pairing he had the freedom to ask everyone.
I would love to see more of this kind of dating.
bob taylorJuly 16, 2013
i did not know it was possible for a male and a female to be friends without romantic involvement until i was 32 years old - this was a great revelation to me when i saw it modeled by others. i wish i had learned this at a much younger age. good article.
DaveJuly 16, 2013
I often disagree with JeaNette's advice, but I whole heartedly agree with the idea of kids going dutch on dates. This is true for teenagers, college kids, and single adults.
The reality is that expecting a man to pay for a date is sexist, and a throwback to a time when women didn't work and didn't have their own money.
As a father of four daughters, I want to teach them that they have the same rights and responsibilities as men in finding their eternal companion.
Men are not white knights on horses, women are not damsels in distress, and archaic dating customs should be left in the 20th century where they belong.
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ErinJanuary 30, 2019
I agree with some parts of JeaNette's advice, it is important for kids to date a lot of different people before their mission. This allows them to discover what they want in a spouse and it also teaches them important dating etiquette. I however disagree with the concept that dating pre-mission should be more like hanging out. You can hang out before you are 16. When boys and girls are hanging out non-paired off it is just like when they are hanging out as friends as 14 and 15 year olds. They learn nothing new from it. Turning 16 means learning how to date which will prepare you for dating when it is time to find "the one". How will a boy learn to open the door for his date or politely pay for her (which are things girls see as being a gentleman, not degrading or archaic)? In addition, saying that when a boy pays he is implying that he is expecting something in return from the girl is just wrong. It's assuming things about guys that are really degrading. I've had multiple guys pay for me on dates and do their best to make sure nothing physical happens, they clearly did not expect me to give them anything. Just some thoughts.
KristinaJuly 14, 2015
Like Debrah's son mine took a lot of girls out on dates and seldom asked anyone twice. Most of them were friends and they were in the same group of friends and went to the same parties. It was clear to him and to the girls that he was following the advice given to not pair off but he was accused by other boys of being a player. And this was in Utah County, where the majority of these boys were LDS. I don't think it was the parents who expected their teens to pair off but they also hadn't been effective enough in teaching them what is clearly spelled out in "For the Strength of Youth", available to every young man and young woman and their parents and leaders.
Tamara RobertsFebruary 28, 2014
I found this very interesting. As a mother of many teens and serving in the stake women's I see this Pre-mission dating problem every weekend. The idea of just groups going dutch is so much more likely to happen. Yet, it doesn't feel like I'd call that a date either. Are we maybe just saying don't date until college? Great discussion and ideas.
JennaJuly 21, 2013
Wise words! Going Dutch helps set boundaries on the level of seriousness.
TeancumJuly 16, 2013
That's the problem with pre-mission dating; it's confusing and awkward. Due to this current age in society a youth ( I speak for young men as I don't know if this happens with the young women) is often questioned by their peers, both member and non-member, of their sexual orientation if they have friends of the opposite sex. So us young men feel pressured by both our peers and our parents to be exclusive, and if a young man is anything but "exclusive" when he dates he is viewed as a "player" or "unfaithful" and "not trustworthy". Another problem is that many young men have no clue how to even talk to someone of the opposite sex other than their mothers. Believe it or not it's almost an art form for a young man to talk to a young lady casually with no romantic interest. I know that there are parents who encourage their kids not to exclusively when they date before they are looking for an eternal companion, but again this just confuses us even more, due to the fact that, as I mentioned earlier in my comment, to societies views on dating it's either "be exclusive or don't play the Dating Game at all". Further more there are more and more youth who are dating before they turn the magical age of 16. I believe that this is also due to society. In this day-in-age teens feel the urge to be "more adult" by dating at very young ages and in turn becoming sexually active during their teen years as well, and since there is so much of this going on around us we youth feel overwhelmed by the pressure and some give in. Again to many non-member teens it's odd if a young man has friends of the opposite sex. THey are often asked if the young man and his friend are dating, and in some cases if a young man has more than one friend of the opposite sex, he is often asked if he and his other friend "broke up" or if he is a "player" or in some cases if he is gay. If you don't believe me just trust me I speak from experience. Where I live many non-member kids started dating as early as the third grade and in very few cases even earlier than that. when I say that a young man will be asked if he is gay or if he's a player, or if he and his other friend of the opposite sex broke up; I know this because I've been there; I have 4 younger sisters and no brothers, so I can socialize with girls better than boys, and I have been asked on more than one occasion if I was gay. It's because of everything that I have mentioned in this comment that I have decided to wait until I have gotten home from my mission to date, because anything before hand is more drama and more trouble than it's worth.
KarenJuly 16, 2013
Some very good points. Please note that the term "rites of passage" is the correct terminology.
ktn July 16, 2013
Great idea! Unfortunately, my kids do not live in a LDS area, and here if a girl goes out with a guy more than once, it is assumed that they are sleeping together (because, turns out, they usually are). That is what promotes the idea that she is a player if she goes out with someone else a week or two later. I doubt that the fact that she paid for her own movie or meal or whatever would make much of a difference to her classmates. That is the real challenge--because of the assumption by the other kids that any couple--even a "couple" of only a week's duration--is indulging in intimate activities, the talk starts. Even if the two involved are merely friends. These are high school kids we're talking about--gossip is their life! And most of my kid's non-LDS classmates cannot imagine an opposite-sex friendship without "benefits". Sad but true.
DebrahJuly 16, 2013
A few years ago my boy set a goal to date 100 girls before his mission. He mase it clearly known to the girls that he was dating each only once before the mission and he had a wonderful time. The dates had to be on the cheap and so dates included a packed lunch of peanut butter sandwiches and oil aid reproved from a picnic basket of fine DI china on a muntainside or an early morning breakfast in PJ's. he would tell the girls what number they were and some still stop me on the street and say I was number 64 and we sure had fun. The best thing about it was that he dated girls who had never been asked out. Because everyone knew the dates were justw for fun and not for pairing he had the freedom to ask everyone. I would love to see more of this kind of dating.
bob taylorJuly 16, 2013
i did not know it was possible for a male and a female to be friends without romantic involvement until i was 32 years old - this was a great revelation to me when i saw it modeled by others. i wish i had learned this at a much younger age. good article.
DaveJuly 16, 2013
I often disagree with JeaNette's advice, but I whole heartedly agree with the idea of kids going dutch on dates. This is true for teenagers, college kids, and single adults. The reality is that expecting a man to pay for a date is sexist, and a throwback to a time when women didn't work and didn't have their own money. As a father of four daughters, I want to teach them that they have the same rights and responsibilities as men in finding their eternal companion. Men are not white knights on horses, women are not damsels in distress, and archaic dating customs should be left in the 20th century where they belong.
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