Get out now. If you leave, yes the road is unknown, but you have possibilities and a chance to find someone who truly loves you. If you stay--the road is known--you know you can't trust him and you know there will be days and even years of heartache. If you leave, know you will heal and find happiness; if you stay you will not have healing or happiness until he changes. Don't expect him to change. Take control of your future. You can do this; be strong.
We'd been married just over a year when my husband and his ex-girlfriend began communicating with one another over the phone. He couldn't understand why it bothered me. This went on for a number of years - phone calls, then emails. How often? I’ve never had a straight answer. I was pregnant with my fourth child when I received a call from her husband asking me to ask my husband to stop contacting his wife. I thought it would finally end there, but then came cell phones and social media with other ways to secretly connect. Although he never said that he still loved her, his actions showed that she was more important to him than me. He's had one foot in our marriage and one foot always somewhere else - ex-girlfriend, his family, others. As a consequence, I have never felt safe in 29 years of marriage. I was made to feel it was all my fault - "you're so suspicious, too selfish, scared of everything and everyone, unkind, angry"; I was lied to, manipulated, and gas-lighted so often that I began to think that I was the problem, that was overreacting and must be a truly horrible, un-Christlike person. My self-esteem plummeted, confidence in myself disappeared and anxiety appeared.With Heavenly Father's help, I came to my senses a year or so ago and received counseling for myself and then we began marriage counseling together. I have chosen to stay (with incredibly strict boundaries) but I know, had I chosen to leave, Heavenly Father would stand with and support me. The heartache and insecurity from this type of infidelity is terrible to bear. If this happened to my daughter, I would counsel her to leave; to be confident in herself and in her principles, believe in and trust HER temple covenants, forget gossip and embarrassment, disappointment or judgment from others. Be strong, find a support group, know you are worthy and loved and that Heavenly Father will stand by you, whatever you choose.
This is so very sad---my heart goes out to this woman. Having said that, she should not have to feel like she is playing "second fiddle" to the woman her husband says he still cares about. The wife here deserves better, and if her husband doesn't love her, there are men out there who WILL love and treasure her. I hope she won't get trapped in a loveless marriage.
You are going to have pain and anguish and wonder how could my prayers have been so wrong but it's not you that's the problem and don't forget that, it's your spouse who is making that decision and it's also obvious he hasn't been totally honest, cut your losses now before children are involved.
I was in a marriage for 25 years, when I was told she never loved me. After 2 affairs and so much gaslighting I lost over 70 pounds. I feel I am stuck here, and don't have the courage to divorce. She claims now she loves me, but still blames me for her affairs. Take care of yourself. It is better to end it now than to have years of gaslighting and betrayal. I am so sorry.
My second marriage literally began to fall apart on our honeymoon. We had married in the (LDS) temple, pledged to care for each other's children, and found a home to build our life together, but little wedges began to sneak in. I sought direction from our bishop who practically referred me to an attorney. My husband seemed to have no interest in addressing our challenges. A year and a half later I was sealed to my now husband of over thirty years.
Anyone can stir up feelings if we let ourselves. Acknowledge them, acknowledge they’re wrong to act on, acknowledge what’s right, choose the right.
My concern would be less with the feelings (although difficult) and more with the commitment to covenants of the marriage (which I believe would resolve much of this). Life is not a romance movie and he seems to think he has no say in what happens next.
You always have such wise counsel and advise. Love your contributions. Thank you!
IN the first months of my marriage, my husband told me that he loved his ex-girlfriend more than he loved me. My heart aches for this young wife! I think you gave her great advice, and I hope she can find peace in the decisions that lie ahead for her.
I think a major point has been missed in the counsel given this woman. "Invite him to open up about how he arrived at this decision. Make sure you do more listening than talking so you can really understand why he’s making this declaration." He doesn't know why he's doing this. The Bible (1 John 2:4) tells us: "He that says, I know Him, and keeps not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." Some Bible translation describe such a person as "a liar". So what possibly could be the benefit of 'carefully listening' to his excuses to find out what he's thinking? This is a typical defect in the "counseling process". It is useless to listen to someone so deep in sin that the Spirit has no place in them! He has already revealed his heart. Cut your losses before you end-up with an STD from this unfaithful husband or you bring a child into this pathetic situation.
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