Singles

I received the following commentary from a reader, Amy, about the problems and trends she has spotted in the LDS dating culture among singles over thirty. I respond to her comments below.

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Men think they are asking the women out, but that is debatable. I heard some of these variations after General Conference.

“Yes, I had a great date with Stacy last night. I think I’ll ask her out again in a couple months.”

“Sure, let’s get together and do something. Who else should we ask to come along?”

After doing things together three or four times, where the girl and guy meet at a pre-assigned location, and the bill is split down the middle each time, the man tends to think he’s been dating, and the woman thinks she’s been out dutch with a group of friends.

This happens all the time. Where the guy thinks that they are in a relationship with the girl and the girl really just sees it as still at friendship level. And this goes on and on. The guys are content to let this friendship continue for months before deciding to do anything about it.

But let’s say the guy does go to the next step; heaven forbid, he actually kisses her! And the dates move into one every couple of weeks. Does this constitute being in a relationship? Or do we now have what the world calls, “Friends with Benefits” situation? Even taking into account that the benefits in a Mormon relationship do not include sex, what is the difference?

In a Friends with Benefits (FWB) situation, two people get together when they want a physical relationship, and when their needs are taken care of, they return to their separate lives. We, as members of the Lord’s church, know that this is not the way he intended a relationship between a man and a woman to be, and yet, it happens anyway (regardless of the age of the singles, but I think it happens even more the older singles get)!

These are very selfish relationships. They are emotionless, with no need to put the other person’s needs above their own. They will not want to be inconvenienced. Their needs are for independence, self-autonomy, and the freedom to drop everything if something else better comes along.

Singles needs to stop worrying so much about whether or not this is the right relationship, worry more about making it the right relationship. Stop trying to guard your heart and learn to give it. Learn how to put that other person’s needs above your own. You will know if and when the time comes to stop. And if it doesn’t work, the skills you have been gathering will serve you well when you do find that relationship you want. But you might just surprise yourself and find that loving that person makes you happier than you could have ever imagined.

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Thanks, Amy. You are absolutely right. This is a real problem with dating, not just within our church, but everywhere. You mention that the men are the ones who perpetuate this situation. I’m going to argue that point with you. I say the men may start it, but the women allow it to happen! Women, if you don’t want to be dragged along by a man who won’t commit- don’t let yourself get dragged along! And because I don’t think the men are always at fault, I’ll say the same thing to the men. Are you trying to date a woman who refuses to commit or really decide she wants to date only you? Why are you sticking around? To quote President Uchtdorf (albeit, completely out of context), “Stop it!”

Men and women need to grow a spine and learn to communicate in a relationship. Be upfront with the other person. If you want more from the relationship, but suddenly realize you are stuck in the friend’s zone, or getting fooled into a “friends with benefits” situation, stand up for yourself! Don’t allow it. And if that means the other person suddenly has no interest in continuing with you, have you really lost anything? Sure, sometimes it hurts to tell another person that you want a commitment or something real with them, and they turn you down. But isn’t it better to know the truth, than to carry on hoping that the nothing will turn into a something?

And if you can’t tell for sure if you are dating someone (I know there are a lot of confused marrieds reading this wondering how it is possible, to them I say, yes, this happens all too often), ask and define the relationship early! It doesn’t have to be a huge, scary, intimidating “what are we” or “define the relationship” talk. It can simply be a question, “So is this a date? Or are we just going out as friends? Just want to clarify to make sure we are on the same page!” No harm, no foul!

One last comment for the women! Don’t be a doormat! If you want a man to date you, respect you, and treat you right, demand it from him upfront. Don’t be fooled into thinking that by baking cookies to take to him, or inviting him over for dinner after dinner, or inviting him to every group outing (that you may or may not have planned just as an excuse to invite him) he is suddenly going to turn it around and take the initiative to ask you out. If you want him to ask you out, and he doesn’t get the hint, tell it to his face, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. I hope you will ask me out sometime.” A little forward, but straight to the point. Men need “to the point.” Cookies are cookies, they are not hints, or dates.

The men get a very bad rap sometimes. They get the brunt of the criticism when it comes to dating, and starting “friends with benefits” situations. But women, I know it isn’t popular to say, but I’m going there anyway. You are just as much at fault for allowing it to happen. It takes two people to get into a “friends with benefits” situation. He wouldn’t be getting it, if you weren’t giving it. You wouldn’t be out dutch on a group “date,” if you hadn’t agreed to it. If you are afraid if you don’t give him what he allowed to happen you will find yourself alone, I ask you again, is that really such a bad thing? Do you want to willingly be taken advantage of? Willingly led on? If the answer is no, you know what to do. Don’t allow it to happen!

Amy, thank you for sending in your thoughts and comments. Feedback from readers is always appreciated!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and blogger. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about relationships and dating, and is devoted to service. You can learn more about her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.