Singles

In under ten minutes no less than three different people had mentioned to me that the attractive new man in the room was single. I fear for him how many people may have suggested to him that he meet me. Of course, I had already figured it out on my own that he was attractive and not wearing a wedding ring. But now I had the challenge of having a simple get-to-know-you chat with him while an audience analyzed our every move.

At first I was annoyed with the situation. Initial conversations with a total stranger can be awkward enough, but they only get worse with a well-meaning audience standing nearby. But I decided to get over my annoyance and just be glad people are looking out for me. After all, I can’t remember the last time I actually met a new man.

When I think about relationships back in my much simpler, roaring twenties, I think of how easy they were, and how easy they came to be. It was simple- you met a guy, sparks flew, you went on a few dates, and ta da! you were a couple. You didn’t have to worry too much about if they had baggage or issues to deal with. We were too young for baggage, and if someone did have baggage, you ditched them fast. For the most part, the younger you were, the fewer issues people had. But as we got older we all experienced different things. We all started picking up habits, bad experiences, and expectations, whether we knew it or not.

But then I reached my thirties and things began to change. Meeting a man is no longer about a little flirting and attraction. Now there are hardly any sparks at all, and meeting someone tends to feel more like a business transaction. Even if you are so lucky as to have a few sparks fly, you don’t move straight into dating and coupledom. Now you move into learning about each others baggage. You may go on a date, you may not. But the one thing you will do is get to know each others baggage and issues. You are waiting to see if you can handle their baggage, or if they can move past that little carry-on suitcase of issues you’ve been taking on every date for the last ten years. You weigh the pro’s and cons of a relationship with this new person from a different angle- does their baggage complement or clash with yours?

If you both accept the baggage as it is presented you move into dating and a potential relationship. (Some people do this backwards, and go straight into committed relationships before spending much time dating. Such are the perils of “online dating” and “long distance relationships,” but I digress.”) But on occasion one party may decide he or she cannot handle the other person’s baggage, and moves on. Sadly, the other party liked what they saw and spends too much time questioning, doubting, resenting, stalking, and overall wasting time obsessing over the rejection, rather than moving on as well. All of this adds to our emotional baggage that we choose to carry around. Whether the bigger baggage is yours or the other party’s we are all collectively that much farther away from a healthy chance at a relationship. Our collective baggage holds all of us back.

Baggage Claim Carousel

Lately I have been thinking about the differences between good and bad dating relationships. Sometimes the defining factors between what makes a relationship good or bad is how much we have learned from the past. The baggage we know as past events, experiences, and people shade our expectations for what to expect in the future. I call this the baggage claim carousel.

The baggage claim carousel is when our same habits, tendencies, and insecurities keep coming back in each relationship. It is when we have to stop blaming the other party and realize that if the same problem comes up in every relationship, that maybe the problem is within us, and not with the other person. We need to identify our own baggage, claim it, take it home, open it up, and figure out what is in there. Stop letting it go around and around, always thinking that little black bag of bad habits on the carousel belongs to someone else. It is time to recognize the baggage we bring to the relationship and figure out why we were carrying it around in the first place. Get to know it, and then decide if it is time to chuck it or keep taking it with you.

Sometimes understanding our baggage, our issues, and our own relationship killing behaviors need professional guidance. Friends, family, and exes cannot be relied upon to give us honest, unbiased, and serious feedback in these areas. If you when you start to look at your own baggage you begin to see patterns that you can’t explain, or if you find yourself always blaming the other party while you are always the victim, consider real therapy. There is no shame in professional guidance when it comes to understanding behavioral patterns and broken hearts. And there is no shame ever in needing to break the cycle of loneliness with an hour of conversation with an expert in the human psyche.

“His rejection is God’s protection.” – Unknown

I recently found hope in a very unexpected place. I ran into a man that I had met in a singles ward many years ago. When I was in my early twenties I had enjoyed a small crush on him. He was older, attractive, intelligent, and had a great job. I was not the only girl in the ward nursing a small (or large) crush on him. He was the unattainable man for many women. He [finally] got married to a woman I had long looked up to. She was closer to his age (probably ten years older than I am), smart, beautiful, talented, you name it. They both were and are wonderful people who married wisely. When I ran into him, I have to admit I was surprised he even remembered little old me. I enjoyed catching up with him and hearing about his wife and family. After we talked I had a short pang of “why are all the good ones are taken,” and wondered why there aren’t more men like him to go around. But then the thought hit me that I am not yet at the age that his wife was when they got married. I wonder how many times she asked herself the same question? It gave me hope. She is living the [my] dream now- great husband, career, new babies, good home, etc. I’m thrilled for her and for him.

As for the new man I met (at the beginning of this article), never say never, but I can’t imagine it will go anywhere, in spite of the fact that there were a few sparks. He’s nice, attractive, and very interesting. But what my audience failed to deduce was that he’s a good ten years younger than me, if not more. It is the curse of looking younger than your actual age I have learned. People forget I am closer to forty than I am to thirty, and sadly, this young man is closer to twenty than he is to thirty.While I won’t rule anything out, I’ll be surprised if he chooses to pursue me (he also figured out my age when we learned we graduated from the same university ten years apart).

I leave you with this quote from the queen of dating herself, Marilyn Monroe.

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and social media addict. Equal parts Anne Shirley, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa. She’s an imaginative hopeful dreamer, writes about relationships and dating, and is devoted to serving others. You can get more of her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.