I remember back when I was a teenager in the Young Woman’s Program being counseled to make a list of attributes I wanted to find in a husband. Every once in a while I run across that old list and get a good laugh. It had very important items to a teenage girl such as a car, nice hair, and he had to play guitar and sing and dance. It was heavily influenced both by the YW lesson that day and a biography of a pop singer I had recently read.
In my twenties I was again counseled at Church to make a list of qualities I would like to find in a spouse. It turned out to be more of a checklist that I was foolish enough to stick to fervently in my twenties.
And now in my thirties it has finally occurred to me to pray first, read the scriptures, consult my patriarchal blessing for guidance, and then make a list of qualities and attributes I hope to find in a future husband. I believe my new list is far more useful than the one I made at fifteen. Now, as part of my regular personal prayers, I ask for guidance that I may recognize the good traits in others, and for guidance to find men that have the traits I am looking for.
I firmly believe that prayer should be a major part of dating. No, I am not suggesting that we begin and end our dates with a prayer. But before a date, in personal private prayer, we should seek for help to recognize the better qualities of our companion, and for help so that we may behave in such a way that our own better qualities are evident.
Be Equally Yoked in Spiritual Matters
As members of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, our primary requirement in a spouse should be one who shares our same spiritual convictions. Our belief, trust and faith, and willingness to live the gospel should be the foundation for our life and our marriage, and therefore should also be a major component of our dating experiences. If you want a Christ-centered home, and a gospel-centered marriage, why would you want to avoid these things while dating?
President Harold B. Lee said, “The Apostle Paul with reference to marriage counseled: ‘Be ye not unequally yoked.’ (2 Corinthians 6:14.) While his counsel has to do more particularly with matters that pertain to an equality of religious interests and spiritual desires, yet the figure his statement suggests should not be overlooked. Like a yoke of oxen pulling a load along the highway, if one falters, becomes lazy and indolent or mean and stubborn, the load is wrecked and destruction follows. For similar reasons, some marriages fail when either or both who are parties thereto fail in carrying their responsibilities with each other. …
“But even more important than that you be ‘yoked equally’ in physical matters, is that you be yoked equally in spiritual matters. … Certain it is that any home and family established with the object of building them even into eternity and where children are welcomed as ‘a heritage from the Lord’ [see Psalm 127:3] have a much greater chance of survival because of the sacredness that thus attaches to the home and the family.”
If it matters to home and the family, it should matter in our dating lives.
Looking for Qualities Not Preferences
As I read online singles profiles they begin to become repetitive. A few samples for you-
“Family is very important to me and I have a great family. I have a daughter. She’s the most important thing in my life. I love going out to movies, concerts, and sporting events. I’m a big Jazz fan and NFL fan, so glad there’s gonna be football. I’m a sales rep for a medical company and I love my job! Working out and staying active is very important to me. If you’re not a nice person, don’t bother. I like to sing and play the guitar. I’m a bit picky so if I don’t respond, don’t take it personal; I’m just not interested.”
“I love to travel, listen to music, run races, watch movies/TV, be outdoors, work in my yard, and spend time with friends, among other things.”
“I am currently pursuing a graduate degree after having been out of school and working for the previous six years. I’m looking to meet and connect with someone who shares similar interests and goals. Physical attraction is important to me, but is not the only thing I’m looking for.”
These are three typical examples of online dating profiles for men. If I were still using my checklist from when I was fifteen, a two of these men would have made the cut. But using my thirty-something checklist, all three of them are immediately questionable because rather than providing any information that makes me think, “This man would add quality to my life,” all I know is he goes to the gym a lot. (And yet from their pictures, I find this hard to believe. This is online dating code for, “I’m looking for a hot girl.”) And two of them made it clear they are only looking at the outside of the package, and not the inside.
But little things do matter in finding a compatible mate. Should playing the guitar matter? Would you really not marry someone because they don’t play the guitar? (It is true that I once stopped seeing a guy because he insisted on serenading me on dates while playing the guitar. He thought he was self-taught. But he just reminded me of the Shakespeare quote, “Is it not strange that sheeps’ guts should hale souls out of men’s bodies?” Now true, many other reasons were there for me to stop seeing him. But his insistence at singing and playing for me really was the straw that broke the camel’s back.)
Some may prefer a person who comes from a large (or small) family, grew up in an active LDS home, is a college graduate, is a certain height, comes from the same area, has specific hair color, is of the same ethnicity, works in a specific profession, etc., and many of these things can be influential in a marriage. But would you really overlook someone’s spiritual qualities because he or she was only the third of three children, and wasn’t the oldest of ten?
However, these are preferences, many of which a person in question has little or no control over. When compiling a list of desires in a future spouse, we should prayerfully consider the qualities of a person’s character and values that guide their life, before the circumstances of their environment or what “genes” they have inherited from their family (although we do need to be attracted to the person).
We are bombarded by every form of media telling us the “things” we should be looking for in a spouse and the “ways” we can get that kind of spouse. These “things” are predominantly not “of God,” but “of men.” A better place to begin searching for the qualities and traits to focus on (and pray for) is in Galatians 5:22. “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
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Along with determining the characteristics we desire in a spouse, we should also be cognizant of the Lord’s plan for us individually. If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that praying for the perfect man to appear does not make it happen. After many years, I have discovered I don’t know everything there is to know about the Lord’s plan for me, but I have submitted myself to His will. And I am all the happier and better for it.
Many who may not have fit perfectly into my earlier fifteen year old girl’s checklist may be the exact person I need to complement my strengths and personality. But I do believe that the list I have compiled after careful prayer and contemplation is what the Lord wants me to focus on. And not what the media influences me into believing.
We often focus on what we will get out of a relationship. Instead, let’s turn it around and ask we can bring to a relationship and to start working on these areas right now in our lives, so that we will have something to bring to the table.
But be careful to not rule out a person just because from the outside you can’t see their spiritual qualities. Sometimes it takes time to see that side of a person, especially when your date included a movie and dinner with friends. While dating give yourselves time to have a real conversation and talk about things that matter. I’m not suggesting you ask a person to bear their testimony on a first date. (In fact, I’m strongly suggesting you don’t do that.) But I am suggesting that you schedule your dates in such a way that real conversations can take place. And don’t forget to pray before you go out that you will be able to see the finer points of your companion, and that he or she may be able to see yours.
Good luck and happy dating!
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and service volunteer. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about single life, and is devoted to helping others. You can read more about what defines her and her current travels at an orphanage in Cambodia at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.
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