Last week, F.J.R. in Sugarland asked us to share our experiences with trying to be honest in a world that no longer seems to answer integrity. Although we got several letters about the subject this week, there are no easy answers. Let’s see what our readers have to say:
I recently had an experience where I got to my car and as I picked up bags to unload the cart discovered three items that had been under my purse. I went back in to pay for them and after standing in line behind three other people explained what had happened. The clerk looked at me like I was crazy and rang them up with a comment about how much time I’d “wasted” coming back. As I explained that it was the honest thing to do she rolled her eyes at me and said, “Whatever.”
It seems like honesty is not rewarded or even expected anymore. Recently at church my son’s jacket was missing at the end of our meetings. I figured that someone had simply grabbed the wrong one. A couple weeks later I saw another child wearing it. When I mentioned it to his
mother she glared at me and insisted it was his. Well, I know it wasn’t because of a patch (tourist)). What is this mother teaching her child?
Baffled Reader
Wow, Baffled. Who knew things like that happened in the Church? I hope that’s a rare exception, and not a harbinger of things to come. Stories like that are scary.
Years ago, we bought a used and modest van from a fellow for $7,000. After using the four payment coupons, we waited for the next booklet of payments to come from the bank. When the time came and we had not received the booklet, I went to the bank and asked if I could make that month’s payment and if they would check to see if the next few years of payment coupons
were ready. They insisted that according to their records, the payments for the van had been made in full.
It took two more months to convince them that I still owed over $6,000 on the van. Finally, after two visits and talking to the supervisor, they realized that I indeed wanted to pay what I owed. I know that if I had taken advantage of their mistake, I would still feel bad some thirty years later.
My sleep and integrity mean more to me than the inconvenience of others. The people at the bank were kind to help me and I have found that most often people are kind — but if not,
we can kindly do what is right and thank them for helping us. What they do or do not do will be recorded in their books (that the angels are silent notes taking!). I get to be in charge of what is written in mine.
Paid in Full
What a great attitude, Paid! God knows our hearts. If we do our best to be honest even at great inconvenience, we will be richly rewarded. And even if the only reward we get is that we’ll be able to sleep at night, that’s reward enough for me.
A few years ago while going through a check-out line at a popular department store, I found a $20 bill on the floor. I picked it up and gave it to the clerk who was tallying up my order. I told her I knew it wasn’t mine and asked her if someone had complained of missing money. She just smirked at me and set the money on the register.
You can do the right thing, but you can’t make someone else do what’s right. I’m sure that money went right into her pocket but that was her decision and my responsibility ended when I gave up the money.
Sometimes I think the only way a person can appreciate that kind of honesty is when it is done to them — when someone turns over something of theirs that has been found. Unless they have been taught that honesty is the right thing to do and they get a true understanding of the policy, the concept of honesty is just old-fashioned morality.
Cindy
You’re right, Cindy. Some people will only appreciate honesty if they lose something and it gets returned to them — or it isn’t. It’s a pity that some people only learn when an experience hits close to home.
I had same experience as related by the article.
I checked out at a major chain store. In a moment I realized I had been given too much change. I pointed it out to the employee. The employee was openly unhappy that I gave the change back. It was too much bother to correct it the error.
Still I believe that is the problem of the employee and the company, and I should return the amount or pay for what I have purchased.
One thing I have learned in shopping is that a person must check the receipt with the prices. I have found a number of times when the store computers are not updated and the prices are not accurate.
Ed Lewis
You’re right, Ed — there is often a discrepancy in prices between the sign on the merchandise and the receipt. Most of the time when I point out the discrepancy to employees, I’m not charged for the item I purchased. I hope they use the knowledge to go back and reconcile the price on the shelf so it doesn’t happen again.
Having worked in retail and known some people who worked in retail, my overall feeling is that there is some leeway in being able to give a discount sometimes and to give free extras sometimes. Part of the cost of doing business is keeping customers happy, which is done by making them feel that you care about them and that they’re getting a good deal.
I think the retailers see discounts and gifts to customers as part of their investment in their business. As long as there is nothing covert going on, there is no dishonesty in accepting a discount or gift from a retailer, though that is different from taking advantage of a clerk’s error at risk of that clerk getting in trouble. Although it is absolutely commendable to be honest and point out the error, if it turns into a gift or discount, we should be grateful, not uncomfortable.
Jeffrey “Jack” Turner
You make a good point, Jack. Thanks for giving us a unique perspective on the issue. Read on for another view from someone who works in the restaurant industry:
This letter is to comment on your honesty column from the other side of the counter.
I am a district manager for a chain of restaurants in New Mexico. I’ve worked in this industry for over 20 years and have experienced all types of situations.
Not every situation where you are not charged full price is due to someone stealing from the company. There are often very real and explainable reasons behind the action.
Here is why some cashiers or clerks may seem to be dishonest to you:
1. Sometimes, cashiers, wait staff, or clerks give away free food to try to take care of a problem or issue. They are generally empowered to do this by their company. For example, if you complain about the vegetables being cold, you might receive a free dessert.
Tell us that you found something wrong with your entree, and we might comp off your entire bill.
2. Wait staff will also take care of regular customers, at the instruction of the management or owners. Some companies have loyalty cards (10th meal is free, for example). Others will just feed a regular customer free of charge on occasion as a “thank you” for your service.
3. Sometimes, when introducing a new product or service, we will give these away free to our regular customers. We may also give it free to a new customer or someone we have not seen in a long time. This is to try to build loyalty and bring back future business. It is also done to gauge reaction to the new product (often from people who have a long-term relationship with our establishment that we can count on to give us the honest opinion of the new product).
4. If we feel that we may have let you down on your meal, we will often comp it or discount it (even if you don’t complain). My cooks are instructed to serve no food that they would not be willing to pay full price for themselves. If the wait staff serves something that they think is inferior, that slipped by the cook for whatever reason, they may feel guilt and want to “nip it in the bud” before you complain.
5. I have also had customers leave very large tips, saying “pay this forward and take care of the next customer in line or someone who is having a bad day.” Customers will sometimes leave money to “take care of the next person that comes in wearing a military uniform.” We do this to honor their wishes.
I hope that this gives you some idea as to why you may get a free meal when you didn’t expect it. The reason is not always theft and may be legitimate.
Alan W. Hatch
I’ve experienced a few of the situations you’ve mentioned, Alan. You’re right — they’re good business. But I hope when this happens, the employees will explain the situation to the customers. “The restaurant wants to reward you for your business, so we’re comping your meal today” makes a customer feel a whole lot better than, “Dan, Dan the Fondue Man takes care of his customers so I’m not going to charge you for your meal {wink, wink, wink}.”
I have on several occasions been undercharged and overcharged for items at grocery stores and other retail outlets. One occasion stands out. We were buying items at a store at the Biltmore in Asheville, North Carolina. We checked out and I had added the items up in my head and thought I knew what the cost was going to be. I was not really paying that close attention when we checked out, and when I got outside I looked at the receipt and noticed a discrepancy in the cost to my favor by at least one item. I had my kids help me open each package and found the item that was not charged.
I then went back in to the store and flagged down a manager. Told her my story and offered to pay for the item. It took two tellings of the story and another manager to hear the story before they believed that I was actually coming back to pay for something that was not paid for. They told me that in all the years that they had worked at this store I was the first person to be honest and come back to offer to pay for an unpaid item. They both said that because of my honesty that they would not charge me. I told them that I did come back to get pats on the back but to pay for it. And was again told no that it was a blessing to them to find an honest person and go on and have a good vacation. SO I did. I did not feel guilt and have been back to the store on a number of occasions.
I have also had a major store that had a sale going on soda it was ringing up at over $.50 a bottle more than on sale. I told the store people and they fixed it blamed it on a computer error and that they would fix it. I went back before the sale was over and bought more soda and they still had not fixed the problem. SO for all week this retailer was over charging for soda to every person who bought it.
I try to point out mistakes when I find them and have even called the store to tell them about an error. In most cases a store will tell you not to worry about it if it is not a truly expensive item. However, I have had restaurants not add things on the bill usually they will redo the bill but once in a while if it is a small item they tell you to let it go. I don’t see that as bad as it is usually on busy nights and to turn a table is more important than a $2.00 item. Restaurants comp things all the time for various reasons (it takes too long for your meal to come, your find something about the meal that was not right). But I can understand that if I was only charged for drinks and I had dinner I would have called the manager over.
If you are honest that is what counts — not what someone else does.
Kandy in Florida
Thanks for your comments, Kandy. Your story about the clerks who made a big deal about your honesty reminded me of the time I got pulled over for speeding. I was born with a lead foot, but on this particular occasion my mind was wandering and I was going nearly 100 miles per hour on a municipal street. The officer pulled me over less than twenty feet before I would have been in a school zone.
The moment I saw the blue light in my rear-view mirror I looked at the speedometer and was appalled. When the officer came up to the car, before he even said a word I said, “I am SO sorry. I wasn’t concentrating, and I had no idea how fast I was going.”
The officer gave me a strange look and said, “Lady, in all the years I’ve been a cop, you’re the first person I’ve pulled over who ever admitted she was speeding. I have to give you a ticket, but if I give you a ticket for going as fast as you were going it’s going to be several hundred dollars. Because you were honest I’m going to charge you with failure to obey a traffic sign” (an infraction that only cost $25 and didn’t add any points to my driving record).
When someone tries to inaccurately discount something for me or doesn’t charge me for everything I purchased, I always make them correct it. I have been even called stupid for returning a cheap lawn chair that I wasn’t charged for.
But here’s how I look at it; if someone is getting cheated, then it’s wrong. The clerk, the manager or whoever, has no real value in my life or life decisions (in other words, they will not be attending my funeral), so he can’t dictate to me what my values are. I want to go to bed at night knowing I did my best to be honest. If I want or need a deal, I’ll bargain up front or cut a coupon!
FunGramme6
Loved what you said about people who aren’t going to your funeral having no right to dictate what your values are, FunGramme6. What a great way to put it!
Being honest is one of my pet peeves. My daughter says I am pathologically honest and most people lie all the time. I asked her if she wanted me to stop being honest, and she said no in a very panicked way. This conversation with her came up after an incident in the church nursery that upset me. One of the girls was in the nursery with her mother. The girl heard her dad’s voice in the hall and started to call for daddy. The mom told the girl that she had not heard dad; it was someone else. This was a blatant lie, and the little girl looked very upset and confused.
Seeing this I will never be able to trust this woman completely, although I like her and respect her. No one else seemed to think anything bad was happening, and adults lie to small children habitually as if it were nothing. I believe this is the root of teenagers lying to their parents. We build a relationship of trust when our children are growing up. If we teach our children to lie when the truth is inconvenient or upsetting, they will lie to us whenever we might be upset. Is this what we want?
In the case of stores, some people feel that if they make an error, the customer should not pay for the error. It would depend on the owner and the position the employee is in. In some cases it is dishonestly and in others the employee might eat the cost. I can remember back in college I was short a dime for my groceries and the cashier loaned me a dime. When I came back a few hours later with a dime, she was surprised and delighted. Nothing like that has happened recently, but a few years ago I cashed a check in a grocery store in Los Angeles with no ID. I had left my wallet out of my purse by accident. The manager decided to accept my check. I believe that when were are honest, people sense it and it really does pay off in the end.
I have been very honest with my children, but that does not mean I tell them everything. We do not need to disclose all we have done to be honest or to say everything we think. In the example of my girlfriend who had very ugly babies (I don’t know why — they all grew up to be attractive). I remember seeing her new baby and telling her he looked like his father. She was pleased as could be and I told the truth. There are ways to be honest without being intentionally hurtful.
Lucky in LA
You bring up two great points, Lucky. First, people need to think what kind of example they’re setting before they lie to their children. Second, refraining from lying does not mean you have to tell the whole, unvarnished truth. Thanks for both thoughts. You’ve given us all something to chew on.
Okay, readers, if you have any other comments on the subject of honesty, send them to me**************@ao*.com. Please do not send them to the form on this page, because those tend to get lost! This is also the email address you should use to submit column topics. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
Until next week — Kathy
“Honest hearts produce honest actions.”
Brigham Young
