First and foremost, look back at the title of today’s column. Online meeting, not dating. Let’s get this one thing clear. I do not under any circumstances promote online dating. I think it is a horrible idea. But online meeting? As long as it is done properly, I can’t find anything wrong with it. And sometimes, just sometimes, it can be a good thing. (But not always.)
Oh I know there are a dozen of you already chomping at the bit, dying to tell me how you met your one and only soul mate thanks to online dating. Well goody for you. But we both know that you are the exception to the rule, and definitely not the rule. I love writing this column, but if there is one thing I have learned about writing about dating, it is that there is no hard fast, tried and true, perfect rule that works for the masses. Just exceptions to every single possible bad idea that worked out well for someone.
Everything that is wrong with the world can be found in just 30 short minutes on an LDS dating site. Trust me on this.
You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? It is okay; you can think that. But I know I am right. There is no other place you can find the scum of the world in such large numbers waiting to scam an innocent person. You can put up a profile with practically no information on it, and within just minutes get solicitations from men around the world. You can also put up a very heartfelt, and well-written profile, and within minutes get solicitations from the same exact fake accounts from around the globe.
And you thought your spam box was full of Nigerian princes. Trust me, until you have joined an LDS dating site, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Is there away around this little problem? No. Not that I have found, except to pay more to be on the websites that don’t allow unverified accounts on them. But even then, you still have to deal with the scum of the earth. And once you get past the men in the Philippines and Nigeria who are looking for green cards or the password to your bank account, there are just the low life scum you have to wade through. Which brings me to Rule #1—
If a profile looks too good to be true, it is.
If the guy in the picture looks like Brad Pitt’s twin brother, only posts one picture of himself, and claims he makes major bank, but puts absolutely no other significant information in his profile, except how attractive and rich he is, and he is writing you, yeah, guess what? He ain’t real, baby.
Next, we have to prune out the pervs. Because oh my goodness are there pervs out there. Let me tell you a little story.
One night I met a fairly decent fellow on an LDS site. We exchanged emails and instant messages back and forth for a few weeks. He seemed pretty legitimate, so I shared my personal email address with him.
The next day I was at work, where thankfully I had a private cubicle. I checked my personal email account just before walking to a meeting for a few hours. When I came back to my desk there was an IM window open, full of very graphic, perverted, and disgusting words splashed all across my screen, all courtesy of this returned missionary.
I was terrified someone in my office may have walked into my cubicle and seen it. Thankfully, it appeared no one had. I quickly shut the windows, and blocked him. But he added a few things together, did some homework, and figured out my other email addresses. For weeks I got emails from him asking why I wasn’t talking to him. So I wrote him and explained what he did wrong, how he could have gotten me fired, and how it wasn’t appropriate or welcomed.
His response, “Other girls haven’t complained as much.”
No, he didn’t apologize or have regrets for sending me vulgar comments and naked pictures at work, which I had not requested. He was mad at me for complaining and blocking him. (I also told the LDS site I met him on. However, I’ve never seen anything that makes me think those sites care or take action.)
I know there are a lot of you out there hoping he was an exception to the rule. But ask anyone who has spent much time on any LDS dating site, this is more common than you want to know. I have story after story of disgusting instant messages, inappropriate emails, and perverted come-ons from men I have never met, nor do I want to meet.
So let’s discuss what you should do after you have successfully avoided the pervs and fakes of the online world. Which is to say, you have turned off the instant messaging option on the website in question, and have avoided all profiles that say things like, “Just looking for a woman who enjoys late night chats online — send me your IM name!”
What TO DO on an Online Dating Site
In the spirit of that big huge football game played just a few days ago, stop and think about yourself in terms of a commercial. If someone made a 30-second big game ad to sell you, what would it include? Would you be laughing? Smiling? What would the music be? What images would flash past? What would your wardrobe look like? What symbolism would there be? What hobbies would you share?
My suggestion, write down every thing that just popped into your head. This is what you want in your online profile. You have just a few seconds to grab someone’s attention and sell yourself. This is your ad, your chance to shine! Make it work!
What describes you? Saturday morning soccer games? Laughing with friends? Reading on the beach? Cheering on a mountain top? World capitols flashing by as you smile broadly in front? Wrestling with your dog? Are these the images that best describe the core of you?
Skip the pictures you aren’t in. Are you trying to sell sunsets on the beach, or you?
Also, skip the vagaries. “I’m fun, and like to have a good time.” PA-THET-IC! Seriously, people. Is there anyone out there who would say, “I’m pretty boring, and hate the company of others?” Leave the general vagaries at home. Describe yourself for who you really are — and not for who you hope to be. I’d love to sell myself as a petite, rich, trust fund comedienne, which I’m sure would get me many admirers, but it wouldn’t be true. A slightly more accurate description would be short, curvy, unemployed but frugal, with a razor sharp wit.) Be honest. Sell the real you.
And the only other steadfast rule I will offer you today — no pictures that are older than three years old should be used. Truth in advertising!
Have you ever met someone online, communicated, and then met them in person, just to find that the real life version was nearly nothing like the online version? I’ve heard some wild stories, lemme tell you! And I have my own stories as well.
There was one guy who literally weighed 100 pounds more than his pictures, which it turned out were over ten years old. When I called him out on it, he said that “with my love and support” he was sure he could look like that guy again. I’m still not even sure that those pictures were really of him!
One time I honestly thought I was on candid camera when I met a fellow. He looked nothing like his pictures. He had several pictures of him on a beach. He had talked at length about his really great trip to the Caribbean and how he loved to travel. I later discovered that all of those pictures were taken on his honeymoon 14 years earlier. It was the one and only time he had been on a plane, let alone to a beach. He had even had to cut his ex-wife out of the pictures. Although the first guy could possibly lose 100 pounds and get in shape, Man #2 was never going to get his hair back or lose the wrinkles.
Sigh. A little truth in advertising could have saved us both a lot of time, and spared some hurt feelings down the road.
Now that you have an honest, true representation of yourself online, let’s discuss communication. How much do you share and what do you say once you start communicating? This is where online meeting becomes very different from online dating. Do not try and form and carry on a full relationship online. It is unnatural and dangerous. These websites are meant for meeting people. So do just that — meet them. Engage in a few emails, and maybe some safe instant messages. And, when you feel you trust this person, talk on the phone — so that you can set up a real date. Meet in a safe place, and not in either of your homes, and begin the real relationship there.
Supposed “relationships” that go on for months and months via emails, instant messages, and text messages without real context, real involvement, or even hearing inflections and manner of speaking are not real relationships. They are figments of your imagination, leading to heartbreak and confusion. If you have to make up the sound of his voice in your head, or imagine what way hey intended something to sound, you are not in a real relationship. This is unhealthy and unnatural. Don’t do it!
Meet in person in real life and have a real and meaningful relationship as soon as possible. If there has been anything in your conduct online that has you embarrassed to meet the person (whether you were dishonest in your profile, or unbecoming in conversation), the fault is only yours. Save the other person the humiliation, pain, and grief that will come from your behavior, apologize, and move on.
In the end, meeting a person online isn’t all that different from meeting in person. You win some, you lose some. Not everyone is going to like what they see. The person you thought was perfect for you will never write you back or notice you are alive. That’s life. It happens.
Also, while I’m on the subject of unbecoming behavior, let’s discuss old men and older women viewing the profiles of much younger individuals. I’ve talked to both men and women about this, and one of the chief complaints I hear is that no one likes it when someone 15, 20, or even 30 years older than them views their profile, or worse, hits on them. So I’ll say this and leave it alone — if you wouldn’t do it in real life, don’t do it online either!
And that’s basically it, folks. Be honest, be yourself, and remember you are on these sits to sell yourself, so put your best foot forward. And don’t be afraid to hit the delete and/or block button!
Now let’s hear it from the peanut gallery. Got a good or bad online dating site story? Share it with us in the comments section below! (Comments are moderated and will show up later.)
Happy Dating!
