What Do We Do With the Singles?
By Erin Ann McBride
Have you ever asked yourself, “What should we do with the singles?”
One way to “help” the singles is to ask whether or not the Single Adult program in your area is helping single church members “choose the good part.” Not too many years ago, Elder Marvin J. Ashton encouraged everyone, particularly the women, to “choose the good part.”
Many single adult programs are set up to serve as a “meet market.” This thwarts the purpose of helping the participants choose the better part. Just like all other members of the Church, singles are faced with the challenge of living life fully, richly, and joyfully. The only difference between singles and the rest of the Church is that singles must learn to do it alone.
In a family centered church, where it is expected that happiness depends upon a family and spouse, singles frequently feel as if they are not supposed to feel happiness or joy in their situation. Or somehow it is impossible to feel joy in their situation. In spite of their many accomplishments outside of the home, some singles feel they have somehow failed at life because they are not yet married. It is imperative to provide a program that allows singles to choose the better part.
The best council we can all seek is that of President Hinckley. He said to the singles who wish to be married, “Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably.
“I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than are yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and happiness.”
Singles programs need to reach out to include every single from every walk of life. Many singles feel that their lives revolve around nothing but themselves. Everywhere they go and everything they do they are reminded that they are single. Allow church to be the one place where their marital status is not their defining characteristic.
Tips for a Successful Singles Activity
If you are asking yourself why you have 500 singles in your area, and yet only 20 show up for your bi-monthly potluck and fireside and dance combo night, instead of adding another exciting element to the night, ask yourself first if your singles program is set up to fulfill the guidelines President Hinckley outlined above, and then ask the singles what they would like to do for activities. Give the singles the opportunity to meet in each other’s homes. Give them the chance to serve each other. If the thought, “What do singles like to do?” crosses your mind, ask yourself how you would like to spend an evening making new friends. Singles are people too.
Elder John K. Carmack Of the First Quorum of the Seventy offered a few observations for singles (“To My Single Friends,” Ensign, Mar. 1989, 27):
1. Marriage is more likely to come as a result of being involved in other useful activities and goals.
2. Keep a long-range, spiritual perspective.
3. Maintain a loving, tolerant mortal perspective, too.
4. Look outward and away from yourself.
Guidelines for activities might include the following (and these are applicable to more than just a singles activity!):
Create opportunities for new interaction.
Create activities that allow people to relax out of their comfort zone. When planning the activity, ask yourself how comfortable you would be in a room surrounded by new people attempting the feat at hand.
Be innovative; go beyond the ward barbecue.
Make sure the purpose of the activity is more entertaining than the best that TV has to offer that night. If you didn’t have to be there, would you want to be?
Don’t waste your budget on the decorations or food. Delegating these opportunities to the attendees to be involved in the success of the activity will up your attendance numbers and encourage participation.
What Not to Say to a Single
Singles frequently hear criticism that they are too picky and that is why it has taken them so long to get married. Relationships are not as easy today as they once were. This generation has seen divorce rates climb, as our parents’, friends’, and siblings’ marriages have failed. Telling someone to lose their “high” standards is the equivalent of telling them to ignore divorce rates and the factors that lead to it. As a single I have frequently heard variations on the misquote “any two righteous persons can get married and make a marriage work.” And then someone tells me not to be picky – that I should be able to marry anyone and be happy. A more appropriate quote was given by Elder Marion Hanks in 1984:
“I [wish] to testify that the principles and covenants of the gospel, particularly those of the temple, are the best possible basis on which to build a strong union; and that such a marriage never just happens. It is brought about not simply by ceremony or circumstance or chance, but by two mature, loving adults who are able and willing to learn the principles upon which a vital and durable marriage may be fashioned and who, day by day, year by year, work on that process.”
How You Can Help the Singles Feel Comfortable in a Family Ward
Treat them like normal people. Nothing more. Nothing less.
What Do the Singles Say?
The following comments were made by single adults in the Washington, DC area who have recently been asked to leave their singles wards at the age of 31. The singles ward they are leaving had more than 350 members. Many of them are now having their records transferred to family wards with less than five other singles.
Many topics have been brought up as a result of this new change. Has the Church given up on us? Do they think we’ll never get married, so they want us out of the singles ward? What sort of program will be in place for us? We are leaving active singles wards to join a considerably less active Single Adult program, do they really think at age 31 I will have more in common with the 55-year-old divorced parent of five?
Here is what some of the singles had to say on the above topics:
Ben: There is a common fallacy among singles wards today. It is that being in an organization where you are among people who are in your same station life is necessary to feel comfortable at church. In fact I think the Lord had the opposite in mind for us when the Church was organized into arbitrary geographical boundaries. One of the key strengths of the Church is to help the members grow through service. The family ward units ask us to serve others, and learn to love people with whom we may or may not normally choose to be friends with. This includes people who are married, single, children, elderly, of different economic and social statuses, and so on.
Now, being 31+, LDS and single, puts us in a unique position. I believe it is a position of great power. We are mobile like no other persons in the Church. We are organized and motivated. We each have our own respective pace in our life, but for the most part we have overcome the trials of adolescence. We have had great life experience and experiences. Rather than focusing on what we think our needs are, we ought to be saying, “Where can I serve better?” It would be a great tragedy to keep all that potential bottled up among the singles demographic.
Gwen: I think we have a wonderful group of concerned individuals, and that with all of this awareness, that there’s no doubt that we’ll be able to help create a great program, structure, or whatever comes out of this. As long as we do our best to make sure that no one is lost, that all come away feeling that despite these events, that we’re still loved, appreciated and have the opportunity to serve and grow, then we’re doing our best, we’re doing the will of the Lord, and all else will fall into place. I firmly believe that no matter how challenging or easy this is for any given individual, we can make it fantastic for all. This is truly our chance to make a difference in this area… this is a great opportunity, and I’m actually looking forward to seeing what we can do.
John: What do we want and what do we need in terms of social interaction? Natural Law #42: “If it’s not mandatory, it probably won’t happen.” The best thing about a singles ward is that you have to go each week to be a part of it, and that’s where you really get to know people and find out if you’re a match. So if we want an effective program, it has to be regular and “required,” or attendance and results will be lame.
Julie: I am excited about this new change. I feel that it is refreshing, and that if we follow what our priesthood leaders have asked of us, the Lord going to bless us. It amazes me how much the members of our church complain when some new revelation is given that is different and requires us to change. Has anyone considered going and asking the Lord, if this is something that He wants of us?
Darla: Having made the transition to a family ward several months ago, I’ve learned that membership in a family ward can be very fulfilling if you choose it to be. I love my family ward in every aspect … even the aspect of not having hardly a soul there I can date (helps me keep a spiritual focus). The diversity of people in the family ward has truly enriched my life with a greater appreciation for the wisdom that comes from the elderly, the enthusiasm exhibited by the very young, and the management prowess of gals younger than me that survive Sacrament with three kids under 5. While my singles ward experience provided me with admirable peers I could look to as an example, my family ward also provides quality role models that remind me of who I can become … a young wife, a busy mom, an empty nester, and more. They have taught me to truly appreciate every stage of life with all of its perks and challenges. I now better appreciate my current station in life, and look forward to those I have yet to pass through.
Perry: J. Reuben Clark once said, “No community can prosper and maintain a high standard of morality where there is a large percentage of unmarried young men and young women. We should deplore the increase of such a class among us, and all honorable means should be used to prevent its existence.” I believe that the impending change in organization in the singles wards is intended to follow President Clark’s counsel to use “all honorable means” to prevent the increase of the class of unmarried adults. I hope that it works, and that we will cheerfully obey the direction of our leaders.
Singles Are People Too
In summary, what can you do with the Singles? Allow them to serve you and serve them. Integrate them fully into all ward and stake activities. Treat them like any other adult in your stake. Provide them with a service and gospel-oriented program.
