Believing in Others
by Claudia Goodman
Music Camp Lesson
Shortly after Steve and I were married, we taught at a music camp in Rexburg, Idaho. Steve’s dad was the orchestra conductor. Because many of the orchestra members were young, inexperienced players, Dad Goodman asked us to sit in and play to give some added strength. One of the numbers contained a challenging oboe solo. When the oboe player tried it, we all cringed. It was terrible-totally out of tune, nothing but a series of squawks and blunders. In short, the melody was not even recognizable.
It was so hopelessly beyond repair that I found myself musing about what I would do in Dr. Goodman’s shoes. I decided that he only had two options: (1) sidestep the issue by choosing a different piece of music, (2) assign the flute player to play the solo instead. To my amazement he chose neither.
Instead, he smiled at the oboe player, who was cowering in her seat, painfully aware of her limitations. He said, “You are a very fine player. Let me hear that part again.” Then as the girl tried it again while he conducted, he kept smiling and saying, “Yes, beautiful! You’re doing great! It sounds wonderful!” At the end of the solo he stopped the orchestra and said, “We have an excellent oboist. This solo will be one of the climaxes of the piece.”
We were all shocked at his statement. Most of us wondered if he was simply not facing up to reality. But by the concert the following week, his prediction came true. The oboe solo was absolutely beautiful-one of the high points of the entire concert. How did he accomplish such a feat in just one week? It’s simple. He believed in the oboe player, and she rose to the occasion.
I learned a lesson that day I have never forgotten: the power of believing in others. Do we realize the severe limitations we place on our children and spouses when we doubt their ability? How often do we hear parents tear down family members-even in public, and all too often in front of them?
“Are you sure you want to fix dinner? What if you burn it?”
“Your hair is a mess. Go back and fix it.”
“I don’t think you’ll ever learn to spell.”
“Danny is tone deaf. He’ll never be able to sing.”
“You never get your homework done.”
“You never think of anyone but yourself.”
“You’ll never be very good at dancing. You’re too awkward.”
“Honey, why don’t you ever pay the bills on time?”
“Well, why don’t you just quit spending everything I make?
Would we ever consider saying such things to an adult outside our family-even if they are true? How many adults do you know who are convinced that they can’t sing or do math or speak in public-just because of one careless comment made by an unthinking adult when they were young? Have we forgotten that children have feelings and that they absorb everything we say like a sponge? Are we aware that children can understand what we say and think long before they can talk? Evidence shows that some of their belief system is formed even before birth from their parents’ comments and feelings. Do we realize that once that belief system is in place, it is extremely difficult to change?
Henry Ford said, “Whatever the human mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” What greater gift can we give our children than to unlock their potential?
“Good luck on your math test. I know you can do it!”
“Wow! You made your own bed.”
“I love the way you unloaded the dishwasher. You are so organized.”
“Thank you for sharing with Rachel. You are so thoughtful.”
“Your hair looks beautiful this morning. I’m really impressed with how well you fix it.”
“You look pretty!”
“I love you!”
“I’m so proud of you. Way to go!”
A Good Reputation to Live Up To
One of the most powerful ways we can show others we believe in them is to give them a good reputation to live up to, as illustrated in the previous examples.
When my dad was in medical school, one of his courses singled out a classmate without her knowledge. All morning the students made casual remarks to her such as, “Are you all right? You look like you don’t feel well. Are you sick? You look terrible. Maybe you’d better go home. You look so pale.” By early afternoon she went home sick. She unknowingly lived up to the reputation they set for her.
All of our children could sing right on pitch from the time they were two-except David. Even at age six he was still hopelessly off key. What could we do? We didn’t want to squelch him. He was a lot more important than our performances, but still, it would be nice if we sounded good. Steve came up with the perfect solution. He turned David’s mic down while he sang with the other children. No one knew but the two of us, and his self-confidence continued to grow.
Eventually we were blessed with an exceptionally fine vocal coach, Brett Manning. When it was David’s turn at our first lesson, he stood apprehensively, conscious by now that he didn’t sing as well as the rest of us. Halfway through the first scale Brett stopped abruptly and exclaimed, “Where did he get that voice?” David shrank into the corner. Then Brett continued, “It’s unbelievable! I’ve never heard such a powerful voice in a young boy! How did you learn to sing like that, young man?” David had braced himself for anticipated criticism, but ended up glowing with the praise.
From that moment his voice emerged. No, it exploded! He sang for hours around the house, his strong, clear voice resonating with full vibrato. We rearranged our songs to give him more solos, because as Brett pointed out, David had a “landmark voice.” Two years later when David was killed in a car accident, the newspaper quoted a Los Angeles talent scout as saying, “David Goodman has a better voice than Donny Osmond.” Giving a good reputation to live up to can do more than build a person’s self-image. It can produce miracles!
Positive Labels
Another way we can show others that we believe in them is to use only positive labels. Negative labels can be a real blow to a child or spouse’s self image, because the person often comes to see himself in that light.
“You are so sloppy. Why can’t you keep your room clean?”
“Sarah is such a chunk. She must eat all the time.”
“Oh, don’t mind Brian. He’s just shy. Brian, why can’t you say hi to Mrs. Brown? Are you too afraid?”
“You are so clumsy! Watch where you’re going.”
“You’re such a spendthrift.”
“You’re such a tightwad.”
“You are so rude.”
“You’re always late.”
Negative labels limit others’ chance to succeed-at least in your presence. Positive labels, on the other hand, give them the reassurance that you believe in them and unleash limitless potential.
“You are so smart!”
“I’m impressed with your patience.”
“You showed so much courage at the tryout.”
“I like the way you stay so cheerful.”
“You are very creative.”
“You are really talented.”
“Thank you for being so honest.”
“You have great stage presence.”
One of our daughters was struggling in kindergarten and first grade. We ended up moving to a different school at the end of third quarter. After the second day of school, I stood waiting to pick up my children as usual. Julianne’s teacher was on bus duty and spotted me. She walked up to me and said, “Julianne is as smart as a whip!” I have never forgotten that one simple comment. It not only gave me hope, but her attitude transformed Julianne as well. From that turning point Julianne soared through school and graduated summa cum laude as the valedictorian of her class at BYU.
Praise
Positive labels can really help others see themselves for their potential and believe in what they are and what they can become. However, we must be very careful with these labels, or they can backfire on us. If a person is continually identified with the same label, he may come to believe that he only has worth as he lives up to that label. As often as possible we should praise specific actions, avoiding the words never and always. In this way we don’t tie a person too closely with a label. Here are some examples:
“I’m impressed that you already have your homework done. Doesn’t it make you feel good when you work so hard?” Rather than “You always get your homework done on time. You are so smart that you never have any problems with it,” which gives him an impossible goal to reach. No one always gets his homework done on time without any effort.
“That was so nice of you to share your ball with your little brother. You really made him happy.” Rather than “You always share your toys. You are the most thoughtful person I know.” No one always shares, nor should he have to. We need to know we are still good people, even if we don’t share 100% of the time and even when we have times we don’t feel like helping others.
“Thank you for doing the dishes tonight, even though it wasn’t your turn. It means so much that you would do them for me.” Rather than “You are always serving. You never let anyone down when they need help.” No one can always be all things to all people. If we give that kind of reputation to live up to, we are setting up someone to fail.
Avoid Sarcasm
As we show others that we believe in them, one of the most important things we can do is avoid sarcasm. One of my favorite quotes comes from the wonderful book Children: the Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs. He says, “We cannot build on weakness; we can only build on strength.” We have a strict rule in our family that no one ever uses sarcasm, because we have found that no matter what a person says, they mean it. And no matter what tone of voice they use, the other person usually believes it. Think about it. If you say, even to a very skinny person, “You look kind of heavy,” that person will immediately begin to worry about their weight. If you say in a light, laughing tone, “Don’t worry about John. He never catches onto the joke,” John will see himself as slow and dull.
Our daughter came home from school with deep concerns about her choir teacher. On the day of auditions one of the students said, “I don’t sing very well.” The choir teacher insisted that she sing a scale anyway and then commented, “You’re right. You don’t sing very well!” She meant it as a joke, and the girl laughed it off. But that night she went home and cried to her mother.
When my daughter volunteered to try out for the alto part of a quartet, the teacher said to her in front of the class, “Not you! Your voice is much too high to sing alto.”
My daughter was so shocked to be spoken to in that way that she said, “Me?”
The teacher mimicked her in a high-pitched voice, “Me?” Then she added sarcastically, “You have to talk low if you want to sing alto, not in that high-pitched voice.”
My daughter bowed her head to hide the tears. After a couple of weeks of her saying every night, “Mom, the choir teacher doesn’t like me. Even my friends tell me she doesn’t like me,” I decided it was time to have a parent-teacher conference.
As is my practice I began the conference by telling the teacher something positive-how much my daughter enjoyed her selection of music. Then I told her of my concern that my daughter felt that she didn’t like her. The choir teacher was shocked! She had no idea that she had done anything to make her students feel that way. Sarcasm had become such a way of life for her that she didn’t even realize she was using it-many times in every class. It has been our experience that sarcasm always hurts-even when a person becomes skilled at covering up the wounds. Playful teasing that compliments someone and builds his reputation is great. We all need to laugh and have fun-but never at someone else’s expense. The best rule is to avoid sarcasm at all costs.
As we work toward believing in others, our goal is to help them learn to distinguish between themselves and their actions. People eventually need to feel that they are of worth no matter what they do or don’t do, and no matter what anyone else thinks. Giving a good reputation to live up to, using positive labels, praising specific actions, and avoiding sarcasm can all help others to recognize the tremendous potential they have and instill in them the courage to try new things and reach that potential. And finally they will gain the strength and confidence to stand firm in their own convictions of their worth.
“Take It As A Compliment”
We can help others believe in themselves by not allowing them to talk negatively about themselves. If someone says, “I’m not very smart,” we can respond by saying, “That’s not true,” and if possible add a specific example, such as, “The story you wrote for English was outstanding,” or “You are the one who figured out how to get the computer working again.” Positive self-talk is critical to positive self-image. We all need to constantly tell ourselves, “I can do that. I am a very capable person. I have a lot of ability. I am a good person.”
In working to help our children rely on their own convictions of self-worth, we coined the phrase, “Take it as a compliment.” We have used that phrase countless times over the years to counteract the tendency all of us have to tear ourselves down or use the comments of others to validate mistaken convictions. If we learn to turn the comments and actions of others around, we can take them as a compliment. Here are some examples:
When someone says, “That’s a weird shirt you are wearing,” respond with “Thanks. I’m glad you like it!” Rather than whining, “Mom, nobody likes my shirt.”
When the husband says, “Honey, the house is in shambles. What happened?” the wife can respond, “That’s because I made you a special dinner, and you’re going to love it!”
When someone says, “Boy, you’re weaving all over the road,” you could respond, “Oh, I was just trying to tame this car. It’s got a mind of its own!” Rather than feeling like, “I am a lousy driver.”
Love Unconditionally
Perhaps the bottom line to believing in others is to love unconditionally. It is interesting that people can sense immediately whether we truly love them or are just putting on a show. My sister told me about her little daughter, who most people regarded as quite a terror when she was young. She was continually misbehaving to get attention. On the way home from Disneyland she was throwing a tantrum because she didn’t want to leave. As my sister tried to turn her thoughts to the advantages of returning home, her daughter suddenly sat up straight in her seat and said, “And we can go see Uncle Steve. You know, the one who loves me.” My husband hadn’t had that many contacts with her, but he had seen past the behavior that distressed others into the beauty of her soul. Although he had never said the words “I love you” to her, she knew. We all know when someone really cares.
Our daughter Christy tells the following story: “It had been a hard day, a hard week, a hard month. All I could do was cry. My dad walked into the room and asked “What’s the matter?”
I said “Nothing.” I didn’t want to talk about it.
My dad put on some romantic music-I think it was “Snow White”-and waltzed with me around the kitchen table. Then he said, “You’ll always be my girl.” At that moment it didn’t matter who else thought anything about me. I knew that my dad loved me.
No matter what happens to any of us in life, if we know someone believes in us, if we know someone loves us, we can go on. In turn we can make such a difference in other people’s lives if we only believe in them. And ultimately no matter what happens, there is always One who believes in all of us and loves us infinitely. He will never let us down; He will always be there for us. All we have to do is believe.
2001 Meridian Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
