Turning Mistakes Into Stepping-Stones
by Claudia Goodman
[NOTE: An integral part of overcoming mistakes is to not be offended. A future article will deal with this subject. Also, this article does not deal directly with rebellion and matters that need to be cleared up with the bishop, although many of the same principles apply.]
It Just Matters What’s Right.
Years ago my husband Steve and I were working with a brilliant young man who was almost a genius. Everything he did turned to gold. His ideas were so successful that we were constantly reevaluating our own and modifying them to fit his. It seemed that his ways were always superior to ours, and after awhile I became discouraged. One day I blurted out to my husband, “Why is it that we’re always wrong, and he’s always right?”
He gave me an answer that I have never forgotten. “Claudia, it doesn’t matter who’s right, it just matters what’s right.”
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to help them understand this great truth. Underlying it is the fact that it’s not so much where we are in our journey of life it, but where we are headed. And if we encounter a few detours along the way, it doesn’t mean we won’t arrive at our destination.
How do we teach our children-and ourselves, for that matter-that it’s okay to admit that sometimes we are wrong?
It’s Okay to Admit You Are Wrong.
Our mistakes are not usually terrible sins we commit on purpose. They are not often acts of willful rebellion. They are merely stumbling blocks that get in our way. Like a child learning to walk, we can’t master the skills of life without occasionally falling. But if we are to turn our stumbling blocks into stepping stones, we must first see them for what they are-mistakes; then admit them and use them to climb to a higher place.
I learned this lesson very painfully when I was in high school. I practiced the flute every night after school for an hour or two. One night I just couldn’t get the scales in a particular piece. I tried them and tried them, but they only got worse. Finally in exasperation I whacked the bed with my flute, giving vent to my feelings. After a few moments I calmed down and resumed my practice, but to my horror, I realized that the force of my blow had bent the main shaft of my flute so that some of the keys did not close.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t imagine explaining to my parents what happened. I thought back over the circumstances. Maybe the flute was already like that. Maybe it got bent in the case. Maybe one of my friends grabbed it. Or perhaps it happened when I carefully laid it down on my bed. But in the back of my mind I knew what really happened, and the family home evening lesson we had the night before kept nagging my memory. We had learned how important it is to face our wrongs and admit them. If we hide them, we can’t overcome them. They continue to lurk as dark burdens in our lives.
After a lengthy battle with myself, I concluded that I had to face the truth. I had actually bent my flute because I lost my temper. It took me a while to swallow my pride and screw up my courage, but I finally walked upstairs and told my parents what I had done. They were quiet for a minute. (Thank goodness they didn’t give me a lecture.) Then they thanked me for telling them and asked me what I thought we ought to do about it.
I decided that I would have to work to save enough money to pay for it. I knew it would take awhile; it wouldn’t be cheap. My parents offered another solution. If I preferred, I could have my flute repaired as my Christmas gift, since Christmas was only a month away. After some consideration I decided to take them up on their offer.
I’ll never forget that Christmas morning. I watched everyone else’s delight as they opened their gifts from Santa. I put off opening mine; I already knew what I was getting, and it wasn’t very exciting. It was just a necessity. But perhaps the greatest gift I got that Christmas was the peace of mind that comes in knowing that the burden is lifted. I felt no guilt and no remorse. It had all been paid for by the One whose birth we were celebrating. And because I had freely admitted my mistake, it was forgiven and forgotten, except for the valuable lesson I learned.
Perhaps the most powerful way we can teach our children to recognize and admit their mistakes is by our example as parents. If we are honest with ourselves, we should find plenty of opportunities to show them. As we humbly ask their forgiveness for our mistakes which directly affect them, they will see that all of us slip sometimes and that it is okay. They will also realize that it is not so terribly difficult to admit those mistakes and ask for forgiveness. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of humility and strength. And they will experience the good feelings that come in resolving the problem.
I am not suggesting that we point out every little mistake we ever make to our children. Such a practice not only undermines our credibility in their eyes, but our own confidence and self-worth as well. However, there are occasions when we really hurt a child by something we say or do. In those cases, it can be a powerful welding experience to explain to that child what we did wrong and ask their forgiveness.
Emphasize the Good; Minimize the Correction.
Most people know when they have made a mistake, and they usually know how to correct it as well. Often the worst thing we can do is point it out and elaborate on it. It is already painful enough to deal with without having it rubbed in.
After a singing lesson one of our children commented, “Mom, the teacher doesn’t like my voice. She doesn’t think I’m very good.” I had attended the lesson and knew the teacher was very impressed with her voice. However, she had spent so much time correcting every little tiny imperfection that she forgot to tell our daughter how well she was doing.
A good rule we mentioned in a previous article is the Four-Fifths Rule. Four- fifths of the time we are positive in dealing with our children, and only one-fifth of the time are we negative or corrective. In other words, four out of five times when we see something that needs to be corrected, we ignore it and find something positive to praise, while one-fifth of the time we actually point out what needs to be changed. If we never make any corrections, the child doesn’t improve; if we constantly point out faults, the child becomes very discouraged. All of us need to succeed about 80% of the time in order to keep growing and still feel good about ourselves.
Sidestep the Issue if Possible.
Three-year-old Johnny walked proudly into the room after attempting to dress himself. Mother surveyed him in dismay. His shirt was backwards, his pants were inside out, and his socks were mismatched. Her first inclination was to say, “Johnny, you’re a mess! Everything is on wrong. Don’t you know how to look for the tag and make sure you put it at the back? And look at your socks. They’re not even the same color!”
The words that ran through Mother’s mind were all true. She would be embarrassed to take him anywhere in public, but what would happen to Johnny’s self-confidence if she actually said what she was thinking? The problem definitely needs to be corrected, but how?
First of all, remember that usually we are dealing with honest mistakes, not malignant sins. When someone is trying hard to do the right thing, harsh criticism can crush them along with any desire to try again. In these cases, it’s usually best to sidestep the issue. The problems can often corrected without the child even realizing that he made a mistake.
Mother could say, “Johnny, I’m so proud of you! You got dressed all by yourself. What a big boy you are!” Then Johnny feels that he is a success. Mother could then add, “I wonder what would happen if we turned your pants right side out. Do you think they would feel better and be easier to fasten?.Shall we try it and see?” Perhaps at another time when Johnny’s self-esteem is not at stake she could play a sock-matching game to help him learn to pick out matching socks.
Facilitate Discovery Rather Than Accusing.
Another technique Mother can use to help Johnny goes hand-in-hand with sidestepping the issue. She can facilitate experiences where Johnny discovers the problem without her pointing it out. Mother can say, “Hmm.I wonder what this pocket is doing on your back. That’s a funny place for a pocket, where you can’t even reach it. Where is the pocket that goes on the front of your shirt?” As Johnny thinks about it, he can probably discover for himself that his shirt is on backwards. Then he can laugh and solve the problem without Mother ever pointing out to him that he made a mistake.
I observed this technique of facilitating discovery rather than accusing from two different experiences with policemen. Once we were pulled over by a policeman who said smugly to my husband, “You were going way over the speed limit, and besides you didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign. Don’t try to argue. I’m giving you a ticket.” My husband and I looked blankly at each other. I had just looked at the speedometer and knew we were going five miles under the speed limit, and we hadn’t even reached the stop sign yet. It was half a block away. We felt very unjustly accused.
Another time I was driving late at night on an almost deserted road. I was so tired I could hardly stay awake, but I didn’t want to stop in the middle of nowhere all by myself. I knew I was close to the next town. Suddenly a policeman pulled me over. He asked if I knew I was going considerably over the speed limit. I replied that I was so tired I hadn’t really noticed, but I thought he was probably right. He found out where I was going and told me I was only about five miles from town. He then asked if I thought I could make it that far. He didn’t even give me a ticket! However, I kept the speed limit diligently throughout the remainder of the trip.
Without over-traumatizing me, that kind policeman helped me obey the law much more effectively than the first one did. The difference was that he let me discover what my mistake was instead of accusing me of something he perceived as wrong. When we put people on the defense, we make it much more difficult for them to admit their wrongs and correct them.
One night I was pondering and praying about a decision I had to make. As I sat there, four experiences came into my mind-two in which I had acted one way, and two in which I had acted the opposite way. I felt the Lord very gently letting me see for myself the happiness that had come when I did things right and the problems that resulted when I didn’t. He didn’t have to tell me what to do, but He facilitated my discovery of the answer I needed. How much more powerful it was than if He had said to me, “Look, you blew it here. You made a bad mistake. Don’t do that again.” I didn’t need Him to tell me. I could figure it out for myself. Somehow it seems to hurt a lot less when we aren’t hit in the face with the mistakes we have made.
“Reprove Betimes with Sharpness.”
Of course there are those rare times when we are moved upon by the Holy Ghost to “[reprove] betimes with sharpness.” (D&C 121:43) One of the things that makes those times effective is not doing them very often and only when prompted to do so. The word “betimes” means “promptly or quickly.” Much of the power comes in acting immediately when moved upon by the Holy Ghost. In those cases, we receive inspiration beyond our own to help those who need the Lord’s correction.
As a college student I walked into the eight-year-old primary class I had been called to teach. The bishop warned me that the previous two teachers had quit because the class was so unruly. As I approached the door it sounded like there was a stampede on the other side. I offered a silent prayer and pushed the door open. I was amazed at what I saw. There were about ten young boys and girls jumping up and down on the chairs and yelling to one another. My mind quickly raced through all the teaching techniques I had just learned in my elementary education classes at BYU. I realized that none of them would work. Somehow I had to get their attention.
Very calmly and deliberately I shouted at the top of my lungs, “Quiet! All of you sit down immediately.” As I spoke, I quickly gathered up all the folding chairs and insisted that they sit on the floor, since they didn’t know how to use the chairs. They were so taken aback by the suddenness of my request and the conviction in my voice that they meekly sat down on the floor.
“Show Forth an Increase of Love.”
Now that I had the class’s attention, it was time to show forth an increase of love so that they did not perceive me as an enemy. I helped them understand that they were among the Lord’s choicest sons and daughters to be on the earth at this time and that He was counting on them. I don’t recall what I said, but I know the Holy Ghost carried my love for them to their hearts. I had reproved them because their actions were unacceptable. They were not just making an honest mistake. They were willfully misbehaving and mocking the Lord’s house. That’s why I was moved to reprimand them. They accepted it because it was deserved and they knew it. (People don’t always do that, but at least they know the judgment is right.) As I continued to build the self-esteem of that class through respect and love, it became one of the most special and well-behaved classes I ever taught.
As we dressed our son David for burial following a car accident, we noticed that his fingernails were bit to the quick. We couldn’t help smiling. Somehow we loved him so much for that! If only we could learn to love each other for who we really are-independent of the mistakes we make.
It is doubtful that any of us get through this life without making some serious mistakes. But I know from personal experience that I have never felt any condemnation from the Lord-only His hand “stretched out still.” He is always there for us. The reason is that He sees the difference between us and our mistakes, and He allows us to grow.
To the woman taken in adultery (that’s a pretty big mistake) Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11) Jesus Christ is our perfect example of turning mistakes into stepping-stones-stones that lead us back into His presence. If we can just turn our stumbling blocks into stepping-stones, they will lead us to the perfection we seek.
2002Meridian Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
