A Safety Net for Moral Purity
by Claudia Goodman
Fly above the Treetops.
Several years ago Elder Hartman Rector, Jr. shared the following analogy: He was a pilot for the armed services and said that in effect they were given the commandment, “Thou shalt not fly in the treetops.” However, in order to keep that commandment with exactness, he had to add one of his own: “Thou shalt not fly closer than one thousand feet to the treetops.” He explained that if he merely flew right above the treetops and the plane coughed once, he would be in the treetops. He added his own guideline as a safety net to insure his absolute compliance with the established rules.
Last month in General Conference our prophet, President Hinckley, gave the youth a very straightforward commandment: “I wish to say in the strongest language of which I am capable, stay away from moral iniquity. You know what is right and wrong. You cannot use ignorance as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. How can you possibly think that you can become involved in immoral practices and then go into the mission field as a representative of the Lord Jesus Christ? Do you suppose that you can be worthy to go to the house of the Lord, there to be married for time and eternity, if you have indulged in such practices? Take the high road in your lives, and God will bless you and nurture you.”
In order for our youth to keep the commandments of the Lord without the least bit of deviation, it is imperative for us to help them create a safety net by adding commandments or guidelines of their own. Telling our youth to be chaste and wishing them luck on our way out the door is like telling our children to be nice and not fight and then leaving the room to talk to our friends. It is almost impossible for them to deal with the situation in this wicked world without constant parental awareness and support and very specific guidelines.
The prophet cannot give those specific guidelines for each individual case. Otherwise, he would be interfering with our free agency. Each family is left to set its own additional rules to help them keep the commandments. New babies seldom lack attention, because their cry is so compelling that it is almost impossible to ignore. But what about our older children? Their need for our help is perhaps even more critical, but do we recognize their cries? Even though their physical needs are being met, they desperately need our time and attention, for they are making decisions that will affect eternity, and they have never walked this road before.
As our seventh child prepares for her temple marriage next month, we look back and realize that some of the guidelines we have used seem to have worked very well. We would like to share our ideas, fully aware that you may find others that work better for you. These suggestions are by no means exhaustive, but hopefully they can serve as a springboard to help you strengthen your own safety net to keep your children a thousand feet above the threats to their purity.
GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS
Do all within your power to live and teach the gospel of Jesus Christ. We need to make sure our lives are solidly grounded in the Savior’s teachings. The gospel holds all the answers. As we live it fully in our lives, we receive the inspiration and guidance we need for our youth. President Hinckley pled at the last conference, “You men who hold this precious priesthood, bind it to your very souls. Be worthy of it at all times and in all circumstances.” We as women can do likewise with our love of the Lord. Having a solid foundation in the gospel and transmitting it to our children is the safest and surest way to keep our youth pure.
Start when your children are babies. It is never too early to begin, and the sooner we do so, the easier it is. Every time I visit our four-year-old granddaughter Bresciana, she informs me that she is going to be married in the temple. That truth is already ingrained in her heart. The saying “Love is blind” is so true. Why not teach our children everything we can while their eyes are open? Before they fall in love, we can reason with them, and when they are young, they will listen and believe. Afterward, they are like Sleeping Beauty as she walks up the stairs to prick her finger. No amount of reason or coaxing can turn them from their fixed course.
Establish a relationship of talking and trust. Every home needs a pattern of parents talking to children openly and freely on a daily basis. At first the topics will be very trivial. “Mommy, do you like my picture?” “My finger is cut.” But the conversations very quickly grow with the child. Soon they are asking us what to do if their friend cheats or if it’s all right to watch a certain movie. If we are too busy to steer them through these decisions that are so important to them at the moment, they will never trust us enough to confide in us regarding someone they are falling in love with. A good pattern for mother is to arrange her life to be free from her own concerns as much as possible when her children are near-from after school to bedtime, etc. Driving them to and from school or activities also provides good talking time. Once our children leave home, we encourage them to call us whenever they have a concern. Inexpensive calling cards are readily available, and helping children solve little problems before they become big ones saves a lot of money and heartache in the long run.
As children reach their teens, they often need a listening ear more than they need advice. If we can train ourselves to listen respectfully and reflect their thoughts back to them, they can usually evaluate the options and reach the right conclusion themselves without feeling pressure from us. Often if we present other alternatives without giving our opinion, they feel less threatened and are more likely to consider them. They are also more comfortable asking for advice if they feel our confidence in their ability to choose wisely without judging them.
Recognize that all of us are vulnerable. When Pres. J. Reuben Clark, Jr., a member of the First Presidency of the Church, had a teenage daughter, he called her in before every date and gave her a series of warnings before she left. After several dates, she became a little frustrated with hearing the same admonitions over and over. She interrupted her father and said, “Dad, don’t you trust me?”
He replied, “I don’t even trust myself.” Somehow we try to convince ourselves that we are invincible, but that isn’t true.
Joseph understood that principle in Egypt, when Potipher’s wife tried to persuade him to lie with her. He did the safest thing. He “got him out.” He knew how to fly a thousand feet above the treetops, which is the only sure course. We must be humble enough to set safe limits when we are rational and stick to them when we are not. Good habits established early in life will do a lot to see us through.
Set a Few Hard-and-Fast Rules-only a few. If there are too many, no one can remember them all. You’ll know which ones you need. Here are some of our most effective ones:
(1) Wait till sixteen to date-period. No exceptions. If there are no exceptions, it only has to be decided once. Even more important than missing one homecoming dance three days before a daughter turns sixteen, is the conviction that she is totally square with the Lord and absolutely in line with the prophet. Exceptions just lead to more exceptions and greater rationalizations.
(2) Always dress modestly. When do you start wearing modest clothing? By the time youth really need them, the patterns are already set. I’ll never forget when my husband asked me to return a darling little baby dress I had bought for our first daughter, because it was not very modest. I learned a good lesson that day. If children grow up dressing modestly, it’s pretty easy for them to stay that way.
(3) Set reasonable curfews. It has been said that the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight! If that is the case, it might be well for us to follow suit. Most mischief is done after midnight, when we are tired and the guard is down. If a definite curfew is already in place, it can be a great safeguard. Just make sure that it is not so inflexible that it causes undue friction.
(4) Never sit in parked car with someone of the opposite sex. Nothing may happen the first time you do, but if you keep up the practice, one of these times you’ll regret it. The first cigarette someone smokes doesn’t cause lung cancer either. It just makes sense to fly a thousand feet above the treetops. Bad things can’t happen in a parked car if no one is in it.
(5) Never be in bedroom alone with someone of the opposite sex. Even when our children were young we didn’t allow boys and girls to play or talk in the same bedroom unless the door was open. It’s just a good habit to get into. When high school kids wanted to sneak in and decorate one of our children’s bedrooms as a surprise, we had them decorate the living room instead. It was just as effective, and it keeps things from getting too personal.
(6) Never be in a house alone with someone of the opposite sex. No matter how good the reason, just don’t ever allow it. I remember getting home late on several occasions to see one of our children with a boyfriend or girlfriend sitting out on the front porch swing or walking up and down the sidewalk until someone arrived home. An unsupervised house is just too great a temptation. Don’t ever chance it. It’s better to be cold or late for something.
These were our general guidelines to help our children safeguard their virtue. If you start young, these patterns become habits that are rarely questioned when they get older. It’s just the way things are done, and it feels comfortable and natural. We have also found that there are some definite differences between pre-mission and post-mission dating, with the emphasis changing as times goes on.
PRE-MISSION GUIDELINES FOR YOUTH
In pre-mission dating, the emphasis is on having fun and getting to know a large number of people of the opposite sex so you can see what things you like and don’t like in a companion. You want to keep things light so that you don’t find yourself in any serious relationships yet. There are several important guidelines that can help you make the most of this time of discovery.
Keep relationships growing slowly. Remember, any relationship is either growing or dying. You can’t put it in neutral. If you want to preserve or develop a relationship, you have to keep it growing by continually feeding it. The secret at this point is to keep it growing ever so gradually. Slowing down an early romance gives it the very best chance to succeed. If you take it too fast with no restraints, it quickly burns out, before you’ve even graduated from high school or tried other relationships to compare. Bonfires that burst into flame suddenly at this stage die almost as quickly as they start and can seldom be rekindled. Even if you meet the person of your dreams, high school is too young to get married, so do the things that will stretch it out while you keep it growing very, very slowly.
Stick to group dating. Then you are not limited to one person. Remember that the objective right now is to get to know a lot about a lot of different people so you can compare. Even if you fall in love, how do you know this is the very best person for you? You have no basis for comparison. Dating many different people will not threaten a relationship unless it is already on shaky ground. It will either enhance your appreciation for that special someone or lead you to someone even better. For a change of pace when friends aren’t available, you might try taking along a brother or sister or even your parents occasionally.
Date other people between the one you like best. If you find there is one person you especially like, give that relationship every chance to succeed by taking it slowly. One of the best things you can do is date at least one or two other people before you date that person again. It not only slows the relationship down, but also gives you a good basis for comparison. Making agreements that you will only ask a person you really like to two dances a year is another option. And if you feel like your parents are constantly trying to put on the brakes, it’s probably because they want the relationship to succeed as much as you do.
Limit deep talking time. It accelerates the romance and the relationship dramatically. While it is one of the most important aspects of a mature relationship, in the beginning stages it is best to spread out the talks a little in order to keep things moving slowly. Notice we didn’t say eliminate-only spread out those serious discussions and watch the time.
Plan activities that keep you involved. They eliminate the temptation to sit and look into each other’s eyes and get absorbed in lengthy conversations or physical involvement. Take a hike, rake leaves for a widow, try a craft project, clean the house, engage in a sports activity, or play a game. That way you’ll get some good talking time in without letting things get too heavy.
Use kisses sparingly. Kisses are the most sacred thing you can give before marriage, so wait as long as you possibly can and save the first one for a very special occasion.
Focus on a mission. This guideline applies equally to young men and young women. Girls should be eagerly anticipating and encouraging the missionary service of the boys they know. As you look forward together toward a mission, the young man is better prepared, and dating stays in the proper perspective. One of the most beautiful examples I have seen is our future son-in-law, who has loved our daughter since ninth grade; only he never told anyone, because he didn’t want to get involved until after his mission. He dated her occasionally in high school, and they hung out in the same group. After he served his mission, he supported her on hers, as she left a month after his return. Upon coming home, our daughter realized for the first time how much he loved her and how perfect he was for her. Their relationship was magnified by all the time they had spent getting to know each other in so many little ways over the years and crowned by the depth of testimony they gained in the mission field. I marvel at the joy that now overflows in their lives. Because they focused on serving missions first, everything they could possibly desire has been added. They really did things right.
POST-MISSION GUIDELINES
Once a young man has served a mission or a young woman is in college or working, the emphasis in courtship shifts. Now that you have “played the field” and experienced a lot of different relationships in a more casual setting, you have a better idea of what you are looking for. There is no longer such a need to drag things out. The search for an eternal companion begins in earnest. As you face the most important decision you will make for the rest of your life, there are several guidelines that can strengthen you and prepare you to receive your ultimate answer from the Lord.
Remember, next to the Lord, your parents are probably your most valuable resource. Use them. As a baby you relied on them for everything, but gradually you learned to do almost everything on your own. Now you are exploring a very critical path that you have never encountered before. Consult with your parents often. Parents, if your youth are away at work or college, arrange for them to have unlimited access to you by phone or email. There will be periods of time when they need to draw upon your experience and feelings heavily. Make sure you are available whenever they need you, no matter how inconvenient it is to you.
Your parents have a lot of experience-good and bad-that can assist you in your evaluation of the people you date. They also have great perspective, because they have lived longer, and because they are not emotionally involved in your relationships. Furthermore, they have a stewardship for you. They probably love you more than anyone else on earth. Although the final decision is yours, listen to their counsel with all your heart, and weigh it heavily in your ponderings.
Use lists carefully. If your list of qualifications is too long, you can easily get lost in the details. Besides, you might discover that some of the things you thought you wanted aren’t really that important. For example, one of our daughters hoped to marry a great singer, because she loved music so much. However, experiences with young men who sang well taught her that there were many other things that meant a great deal more to her. Today she is happily married to someone who sings a little, but may never sing solos with her.
We have found a short list of “musts” to be a lot more helpful than an endless list of all the wonderful qualities a person could possibly possess. At the top of our list are:
(1) Unwavering testimony-built on a strong enough foundation to see you through all the storms of life.
(2) Humility-complete submission to the Lord and the self-confidence to admit when he/she is wrong and change. No one is perfect, but if they are willing to accept counsel and change course when necessary, they can reach exaltation.
(3) Strong work ethic-For a man: eager to complete his education and committed to work hard enough to support a wife and children. For a woman: dedicated to supporting her husband and children in all their needs and activities.
(4) Good communication skills-able to talk about differences calmly and respectfully-for there will most certainly be differences of opinion.
(5) Selflessness-Always treats you with respect and kindness-always. Willing to sacrifice and go out of their way for you repeatedly.
(6) Reciprocal relationship-A marriage will not work out long-term if only one of the partners is putting forth most of the effort. Make sure that you are not marrying someone just because they need you. You cannot be their mother or father. You must marry someone you look up to, someone who inspires you to be your very best self-and someone who feels the same way about you. You need someone who believes in you as much as you believe in them.
(7) Same personal taste in the things that are important to you-For example, you both want to have a large family, spend time staying physically fit, have the house color-coordinated, spend time reading together, stay dressed up on Sundays, etc. The list could go on and on. These values are not so much right and wrong. What is important to one couple is totally irrelevant to another. It’s just exciting to have someone who likes the same things you do. At the same time, remember that you don’t want a carbon copy of yourself. You fit together like two hands, and you definitely don’t want two left hands! You will both bring different strengths to the marriage. Learn to rejoice in each other’s strengths.
Watch for the “spark.” While it is possible for two people to make a marriage work without it, the spark adds the excitement and thrill that continually fills the marriage with wonder, passion, and commitment. Initially it makes it almost impossible for you to eat, sleep, or think of anyone else. Even after marriage, it keeps your companion fresh, exhilarating, and uppermost in your mind and heart. The greatest danger of the spark is that you can have it for someone who is not a very good person and has little else in common with you. That’s what is meant by the adage, “Love is blind.” But to live without it is to plod through marriage dutifully without fully living. A great example is the scene from the movie “Legacy,” where Eliza insists that Jacob is kind, and David remarks that marriage is a great reward for kindness. He then kisses Eliza and explains that “Love is also wonderful, exciting, and splendid!”
Spend enough time to see your partner’s reactions to different situations. People usually put their best foot forward initially. But how does a person react when he feels more at home and lets his guard down-when he’s tired, stressed, everything is going wrong, or something unexpected happens? It’s important not to rush into marriage until you see the other person in a large variety of circumstances. After dating a boy for several weeks, our daughter was very surprised to see his temper flare up to an alarming degree over a very trivial matter. Another daughter discovered upon closer examination that the young man she was considering was not totally honest in his business dealings and that he was putting her second to his financial success. You want to make sure you marry someone with whom you will be comfortable in all circumstances.
Check out the in-laws carefully. While it is not impossible to have a successful marriage if you can’t get along with the in-laws, it certainly complicates the matter considerably, and many marriages have been destroyed by overly dominating parents. Watch carefully to see how a prospective mate treats his family, and also how he treats your family. Chances are he will treat you the same way. Make sure you are happy with what you see and can handle his parents exactly the way they are.
Examine pacing or metabolism. It really helps if you and your partner have basically the same type of pacing. In other words, both of you enjoy working hard and fast and juggling a lot of projects, or you both enjoy having free time every night to just sit and relax while you watch a TV show. If your pacing is too different, a high-strung person can get very antsy waiting for a slower-paced person to leisurely get ready for a meeting and saunter in fifteen minutes late. The faster paced one will probably eventually explode with bottled-up frustration, while the slower one will feel the constant pressure of being perceived as lazy and inadequate and never getting a chance to let down.
Identify and talk about all red flags. We have found this to be one of our most effective tools in evaluating a prospective companion. Every relationship has red flags, because no one is perfect. However, talking about potential concerns in this way seems to be a lot less threatening than open criticism. Then you are not pointing out reasons to terminate the relationship, but merely asking yourself if these problems are things you can live with. Here are a few examples: She has asthma, diabetes, or suffers from manic depression. (Will you be okay if you have to forgo activities in order to accommodate her weakness? Will your children inherit those conditions?) He tends to forget things or lose them. (Can you be patient and tolerant when valuable things get lost?) She is a little overweight. (Can you love her exactly the way she is without wishing for someone thinner? She is more likely to get fatter after marriage, you know.) Her mother is a super mom and tends to dominate her and you. (Can your marriage weather her constant check-ups, and can you stand up to her kindly and lovingly?) Cancer and heart disease run in his family. (Are you willing to take the chance of losing him at an early age?) He has several brothers and sisters who are rebellious. (Are you taking an undue chance marrying him? Does he have a firm foundation in parenting skills himself?) She is only eighteen. (Is she mature enough for marriage, or do you need to wait awhile?) He is eight years older (or younger) than she is. (Will the age difference be a problem in marriage now or later on?) He doesn’t plan to go to college. (Does he have a way to provide for your future? Is he stretching himself to learn in other ways?)
No red flag means the marriage won’t work, but it is critical to address each one up front. Then there are no big surprises after marriage. In this way potential problems are acknowledged and accepted, or if they can’t be resolved and dealt with long term, you move on to a different relationship. Both you and your parents should be allowed to point out red flags. Just remember that they are only observations to help you face and deal with reality, not accusations, criticisms, or reasons to terminate the relationship.
After the above guidelines have been followed, it is much easier to get a confirmation from the Lord that a marriage relationship is right, because you have done your homework. Let us stress again that the very most important ingredients in a successful marriage are putting the Lord and the gospel first in your lives and living by its principles.
ENGAGEMENT GUIDELINES
Once you have received an unmistakable confirmation from the Lord, the engagement period that follows is indescribably wonderful and exciting. We have only a few observations to add to the ones already given, which will help you steer safely into marriage with your chastity intact.
Keep your sights on the temple. Just knowing you will marry there goes a long way to help you keep your purity. Always keep it in focus-in your mind and in your heart. Keep in close contact with your bishop at this point. He will meet with you regularly to help you steer a straight course.
Carefully monitor deep discussions and time spent alone. At this point both are very important, but since they accelerate the relationship so quickly, make sure you keep control at all times. Having other people in the background helps greatly, such as talking at library, on Temple Square, in the celestial room of the temple, in the living room while the family is in the other room, at the mall, etc. You need to talk privately, but it is much safer if you are not totally alone. Now more than ever you need to fly a thousand feet above the treetops. You just can’t be too careful. Even at this point taking a younger brother or sister or friends along on dates frequently gives you time together while preventing things from becoming too serious. If you can just keep your guard up a little bit longer, you’ll soon have all eternity to spend as much time alone as you wish.
Pray at end of every date. Knowing you have to answer to the Lord keeps you accountable to Him at all times.
Add rules if necessary to stay in control. Most of the guidelines mentioned in this article still apply, especially the hard-and-fast rules, but if you feel yourself slipping, you may need to add some short-term rules of your own. The last two weeks of their engagement, one of our daughters and her fianc added more and more rules: no walks alone anymore, no more than two kisses a night, etc. I still remember when that daughter burst into the house after saying goodnight on the evening before her wedding. “We made it!” she exclaimed with joy and relief. “I’m so happy!” Staying in control physically is a lot harder for some people than others. Do whatever it takes to prevent actions you may regret later.
Keep the engagement period short. If you use your pre-engagement dating period wisely, you should come to know the one you will marry very well in a variety of situations. Once you know he/she is the right one, it doesn’t take very long to plan a wedding-two or three months is plenty-I know from experience. That doesn’t mean that a three-month engagement is ideal for everyone. It can still vary widely and depends on school and work schedules as well. But the most important thing is for you to stay chaste and pure until you kneel at the altar, so don’t make it too hard on yourselves, even if it means your brother can’t make it because he won’t be home from his mission for two more months. There will always be someone who can’t come to your wedding. This day is for you, so schedule it at the most perfect time for the beginning of your eternal marriage.
KEEP FLYING HIGH!
Remember President Hinckley’s admonition: “Take the high road in your lives, and God will bless you and nurture you.” The road to moral purity and life with God is narrow, but as Nephi observes, “it lieth in a straight course.” (2 Ne. 9:41) If we live the gospel fully and follow specific guidelines to create a safety net, we can soar with full confidence at all times, knowing that we are flying a thousand feet above the treetops.
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