Singles

The mid-singles program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is still in its infancy. While unofficial program is several years old, the official, sanctioned program is only three years old. There are now 15 official “mid-singles” wards across the U.S, with wards as large as 800 attendees.

One of the first mid-singles wards, the Potomac Ward, just outside of Washington, D.C., in the Mount Vernon, Virginia Stake, was formed three years ago. When the ward began three years ago it started with just 60 members. The ward is now up to 369 members: 123 men, 246 women. In that time there have been 57 marriages. Since the start of 2014 there has been one marriage and one new engagement. (And the bishop, as well as the ward members, are hopeful there will be more.)

Every year Bishop Lewis Larsen gives the “state of the ward” address. (This is just outside of D.C. after all.) It is the one time a year he gives a strict and direct lecture on marriage, dating, and the lack of it. The questions and issues raised in this talk offer an important look at whether or not the mid-singles program is working.

Is the Mid-Singles Program Important?

But before we look at that, it is important to ask a few other questions. First, why are there people who disagree with the concept and idea of a mid-singles program? Second, are those disagreements valid? Third, does the mid-singles program matter?

There are those who feel that the mid-singles program takes the pressure off of young single adults to get married while still “young” (by 31 years old). There are yet others who think “taking the young people” out of the single adults program, makes the single adult program “too old.” Are those positions valid? Yes, probably geographically it is relevant. But in areas like Washington, DC, New York, Boston, L.A., and Salt Lake City, there are enough mid-singles that the creation of their own program, warrant merit.

The most important question though is does the mid-singles program matter? The answer is unequivocally yes. There is a shortage of official statistics and numbers from the Church. But research indicates one strong fact: singles over the age of 31, without a singles-oriented ward to attend, go less active at a far faster rate than any other demographic. And anecdotal research shows one more obvious fact: if singles can’t meet each other, they can’t get married.

Bishop Larsen made it clear how he feels about the importance of mid-singles wards. “First and foremost, we must be the spiritual home for all LDS mid-singles regardless of their dating status, their dating prospects, their personal worthiness, their commitment to following the commandments, and their having personal doubts about one aspect or another about the gospel.  If we, as a congregation, turn our backs on our basic Christian worship, we will crumble as an organization.  We come here because we love the gospel and truthfully we know that sometimes we need to be snapped back into reality about our personal lives and our personal obedience.  So, all are welcome here, but please don’t be confused, we must and we will follow the gospel as outlined by our church leaders, particularly the Prophet and the Apostles, otherwise we are lost.  If you never marry, the Potomac Ward is your spiritual home regardless.”

Potomac Ward: State of the Ward Address

What sort of marriage and dating questions and advice does a mid-singles bishop give? Here are the excerpts from his talk (with his permission) that apply to all mid-singles, and not just those in his congregation.

For the Women:

• Are you unrealistically holding out for the man of my dreams, and you don’t want to make a mistake?
• Do you love hanging out with your friends instead of reaching out to new people?
• Is your career the most important thing in your life right now?
• Are you basically pretty negative about LDS men?
• Are you unwilling to take a chance on being hurt?
• Can you understand what drives men to be so hung up about how a woman physically looks or if she is physically fit-and here is a big hint, it has to do with biology.  I know this is touchy, but it cannot be denied.
• How do you portray yourself to LDS men, are you basically saying by your deeds and actions, “go ahead and bet on me, I am in it for the long run, I am strong in my faith, you don’t have to worry, there will never be a divorce, I am a team player, I am the sure deal?”
• Are you saying to yourself, “I can’t take a chance, what if he is lazy, what if he looks at porn, what if he is basically a slob, what if he plays video games all night, what if he lives on the couch watching sports night after night, what if he is crude?”  Cannot all of these things be changed and improved upon?
• Are you thinking to yourself that your parents were not the best example to you-that you would rather not get married if you have to relive their lives?

For the Men:

• Are you holding out for the woman of your dreams because she might walk through the church doors next week and your eyes will meet, and you will fall madly in love?  And to be safe, you can’t possibly be tied down with some other woman just in case she shows up.  And of course this woman will be a “super model” who is nuts about you even though you may only be “super average?”
• Are you afraid you are going to make a mistake and that you will be stuck with someone you don’t even like?
• Are you just too comfortable in your life and you don’t see any reason to change anything?
• Are financially unprepared for marriage, after all you live with three or four other guys because you can’t or you won’t pay for an apartment on your own?  If this is your situation, consider teaming up with a woman and go at life jointly together.
• Are you afraid of female intimacy, both emotional and eventually sexually?
• Are you shy and socially awkward?
• Are you one of those guys that push the morality limits with women, taking advantage sexually to only leave the woman feeling guilty and lacking in self-respect, and of course there are no commitments because after all, you are not sure she is marriage material?
• Are you basically cheap and you don’t want to spend any money on a date-aren’t church events and group parties are free?
• Have you made some mistakes that you haven’t cleaned up and you don’t feel worthy?
• Are you secretly terribly insecure and you have covered up this insecurity with an overcoat of obnoxiousness and overconfidence?
• Do you waste time trying to date someone that is out of your league?
• And I am going to end with this men, your biological clocks are ticking so loud now, I can hear the ticking.
  

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    You have got to get a hold of your fears and insecurities if you ever want to be a dad, or let’s say, a dad that can go to his kid’s high school band concert without using a cane to get around.  You can’t postpone forever and you are aging–sorry.

If any of these comments zinged you, then something has to change in your life.  Personal change is sometimes hard and it is often uncomfortable but something has to give. Your personal attitude is so important.

I can’t tell you to do anything, you are all adults, but I need to bring a couple of issues of warning to your attention:

1.We need to institutionally stop encouraging male complacency.  Let me give you an explanation:  Many well intentioned women have been hosting private parties in their homes hoping that these events will be a good way to introduce themselves and their friends to a group of guys. The guys love these parties because all they have to do is show up, eat the food you prepared and you paid for, act flirtatious and take off.  The guy goes home and in his mind he thinks he has been on a date.  We have so many of these parties that certain guys in the ward never have to ask out a woman, ever pay for a date, ever go out of his way to be creative.  May I suggest that you stop these large group parties-I know they are fun-but they are sometimes counterproductive.  I think you would find much more success if you trim down your effort to just two couples instead of twenty people.  We have got to stop giving men a reason for never asking anyone one on a date.   

    2.Again, too many of our ward members are lowering their standards and they are involved in inappropriate sexual behavior.  This only complicates your life and in the worst case scenario it puts your church membership at risk.  Please don’t go down that road.   

3.The “grass is not always greener” on the other side of the world.  You need to live here and now in Washington.  You need to stop thinking that maybe if you go back to Utah or California everything will be better.  It is said that Buddha once said that the way to happiness is actually quite simple; the secret is to learn to want what you have and not want what you don’t have.

4.You simply must go on dates.  If you don’t date, you will never marry.  This week Time Newsfeed put out an article entitled:  We’re All Going to Be Single Forever Because No One Knows When They’re On a Date Anymore….Further proof that dating is the worst.

“A new survey commissioned by ChristianMingle.com and JDate.com says that when out with a potential love interest, 69% of singles have absolutely no idea if they’re on a date or just “hanging out,” thus proving that God provides absolutely no clarity when it comes to the horribleness of dating.

The online poll questioned 2,647 singles between 18 and 59 about their dating confusion, made even more confusing by the fact that 80% think that a date is “a planned one-on-one hang out.” But not all one-on-one hangouts are dates, so there’s that.

Fordham MBA student Tayo Rockson, 24, kindly clarified to USA Today that “if it’s someone that you just met recently and consistently have one-on-one hangout sessions, that’s sort of a date.” Ish.

Have fun navigating that one.

So let’s review how Potomac Ward couples who were married last year met each other.  I want you to listen carefully because these are winning ideas:

        Met at a non-Mormon social group

        Met at [younger single adult ward in town]

        Met online and reintroduced at Duck Beach

        Met in Potomac Ward

        Met on Match.com

        Met at a Potomac Ward Family Home Evening

        Introduced by mutual non-LDS friends

        Met at work

        Met while serving in the Peace Corps

        Met on the staircase in this building

        Met at a private party

        Met online

Now let’s review some ideas on how you might be able to find someone to date:

 Things you can do inside the church:

1.     Church meetings.  We know for absolute fact that many people met their spouse right here in the chapel, usually speaking with each other immediately after sacrament meeting.  So that friendship time between Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School is very important.

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  Also, speaking the hallways and even the stairwell have all proven to be successful.  So if you are always sitting in the same spot or with the same people, you may be limiting your ability to speak with someone new.  Now a courtesy warning:  I have heard many times that when a woman is speaking with a guy, three or four other women will come up and kind of wait in line for their time to speak to the guy.  Please be polite and allow people to complete their discussions before you take your turn to speak with the guy.  Don’t just butt in, I know this is human nature-especially when we are all rushed.

2.     Church Activities:  You need to use the ward activities to meet someone new.  Every activity we hold in the ward has produced a marriage.  This means try everything-a ward dinner, ward potlucks, a service project, Institute, FHE.  The Ward Singles Conferences has helped couples get together every year-including this past October’s conference.  For those approaching 40, you need to participate in Potomac 4.0.  (A special activities program for singles over 40.)

Things you can do outside the church:

You simple cannot limit yourself to the people attending the Potomac Ward.  Particularly the women, we just don’t have enough men here for all of you, so that means if you are going to be successful you must also put a great deal of effort to meet men outside of our ward community, so consider these ideas:

1.Go online. You just have to.  We have more and more examples of people who have met their spouses online. I know there are crazy people online so you will have to use your best judgment.    Use the tool of the internet-particularly Skype.  Facebook is the other tool to use to reconnect for past friends.  If you don’t have an updated Facebook page, how do you ever expect someone that is not in our ward to contact you?  If you refuse to have your photo in the LDS.org photo page for our ward, how are people supposed to know who you are?  If you think, I don’t want people to see me in that photo, you’re correct, no one is going to see you in that photo, in fact no one is ever going to see you.  If you don’t like the ward’s photo, then put in your own truthful photo-I mean a photo that actually really looks like you.  I know a bunch of the men in the ward are on online dating sites.  Obviously, you can do what you want, but really you have two to one odds right here in the ward, unless of course you think you are going to find your super model online?  Oh, I forgot, it is always greener on the other side of the electronic fence.                                            

2.Now using Facebook, start reaching back to former friends andRemember, we are not limiting ourselves to only LDS members-you need to very broad in your search.                               

3.Past Ward Friends:  Let’s start with the people you know in the wards you grew up in. If they are still single, check in with them and see how they are doing.  Use Facebook or ask your mom to get their e-mail address from their mom.                                                                                                        

4.High School Friends: let’s reconnect with your high school friends. Some may be single and some may be divorced.  Reach out to them on Facebook and start a conversation.                                      

5.College Friends:  Check in with people you were friends with in college or in your college wards. Many of the things you did together back then makes the perfect springboard to open a newReach out to them on Facebook.                                                                                       

6.Missionary Friends:  Serving a mission with someone gives you a special camaraderie. Check in with those missionaries that you know are still single and see how they are doing. Reach out to them on Facebook                                                                      

7.Past Relationships:  Go back and reopen a friendship with someone you dated in the past. This really works.  I am aware of a relationship that is currently underway.  The woman sent a Facebook message to a former boyfriend.  That relationship ended about six years ago and yes there were some hard feelings back then.  But with time, and a lot of thought, things were able to be reopened.  It took the man more than a week to respond to the initial Facebook message, but he did respond.  Now months of carrying on a long distance relationship, it looks like an engagement is probably going to happen.                                                                                          

8.Go to places like Duck, and singles conferences, and Lake Powell trips and anything else you can think of. What this does is exposes you to other singles that are not from our area.  You need to join civic and interest groups and hobby clubs where you can meet new people with similar interests.                                 

9.Mine your resources:  It is time to go to your best friends and say, who do you know that you could introduce me to?  Don’t forget to ask your brother and sister-in-laws, they know a lot of people. Focus on your friends that live away from here.  See who they know in their local areas like Utah and Nevada.  I think you will have the greatest opportunity for success if you can focus on areas where there is not a large LDS community, where the LDS singles have a very limited opportunity to meet others.  In Salt Lake, Los Angeles, Mesa, San Diego, there are so many singles, everyone is spoiled-kind of like we are here in the Potomac Ward.  Do you know that your Mom may be your best mining resource?  Have her start looking out for you, and don’t automatically reject anyone she proposes to you.  You should try to arrange dates every time you go to places like Utah or California or Arizona or Nevada.  Let your resources help you to find those dates.                                                                                                                                        

10.Your workplace:  We have seen more and more marriages that have resulted from people meeting in theThe workplace gives you something in common.

Several years ago, I introduced the concept that the greatest missionary work you may ever do is to convert your own eternal companion.  This has proven to be absolutely true as five or six our Potomac Ward marriages resulted in the conversion of their spouse.  In some cases, people have married non-members.  But almost in every case, the non-member has agreed to allow the member to attend church, pay tithing, raise their kids in the church, and to attend church meetings as a family.  I know this not the ideal, and if I were bishop of one of the [area YSA wards], I probably would not even make this suggestion, but I am also understanding of the need for our women to have companionship, and financial support, and children, and love.

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This is a personal decision, but I think if you have automatically eliminated dating a non-member, you have closed down the prospects of finding a spouse.  If you date a non-member of the church, I strongly recommend that you lay the ground work on the first date:  that you are a member of the church, that you are not going to have sex before marriage, that you are not going to drink or ever consider using drugs, and that you plan to always attend church throughout your life.  If you will do this on day one, you will find that these guys will respect your beliefs or you if he doesn’t, great you are done with him.  If you wait, you are going to be in a mess as he will perceive sexual advances as a rejection of himself.  We all know that outside the church, most dates end with sex or there is no chance for more dates.  With that knowledge, you have to lay out the ground work before you go on a first date so that these misunderstandings don’t happen and respect for your values can occur.

Well, I hope I have given you some encouraging ideas.  Remember love is described in D&C 88:40 as: “For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light” (D&C 88:40).  I hope that you know that the Lord loves each of you, and that love is not conditional on if you are dating or if you are married.  It is an unconditional love and that is the love we should all feel for each other as members of the Potomac Ward.  We are off to a good start for 2014 as a ward, let’s work together to make it a great year.

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and single woman. (And a member of the Potomac Ward.) By day she works in marketing, and by night she hunts unicorns and writes romantic novels, “You Heard It Here First,” and the sequel “This Just In!”

She accepts new friends daily at https://www.facebook.com/AuthorErinAnnMcBride

And if you really want to keep on her social life, you can always find her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.