Question:
My husband and I have had a wonderful marriage to each other for almost 40 years. However, the experience of raising our eight children has, at times, been nightmarish. We have endured virtually every tragedy and disappointment that can befall a family (I won’t go into details to protect my family’s identity). Thankfully, our children are loving and kind – sweet to each other and us. They often don’t approve of each other’s behavior, but show support and try to understand one another. My angst includes the approaching wedding reception of my soon-to-be married son. He and his fianc are partiers and drinkers. How are we to find the strength to go on with this? How do we celebrate or function (mentally and emotionally) at this kind of event? How can I keep from losing my mind? I know my children have the same gift of agency that I have. I just don’t know how much more I can handle. In our experiences we have been worn down and our approach to most things in life is quite reserved now. In other words our “joy” has been quieted. We are tired and truly tried. Can you offer any advice?
Answer:
I am grateful to hear you have good relationships with your husband and children despite the painful experiences you’re all experiencing. I can only imagine how disheartening it must be for you to have a front row seat as you watch your children continue to make choices that contradict the values you taught them.
Your question causes me to think of our sweet Savior who was described as a man “acquainted with grief.”[i] It’s strange to think that the only perfect man who lived on the earth was described as a man of sorrows. As much as we work to understand and accept the difficult mortal conditions that surround us, it still doesn’t release us from the very real physical, emotional, and spiritual wear and tear caused by the misuse of agency.
The best way to keep from going crazy is to make sure you’re not facing any of this alone. We are wired to reach out for comfort and support when we’re overwhelmed with fear and pain. Even though reaching out for relief is our default reaction, we often learn other unhealthy ways of coping with stress as we mature.
Sometimes we stay closed and suppress our emotions. Sometimes we turn to addictive substances or behaviors to quiet the fear. We may even create chaos around us to keep from feeling overwhelming pain.
Reaching out when we’re in pain, especially chronic emotional or physical pain, will provide more support and relief than virtually anything else you can do. The two great commandments taught by the Savior instruct us where to reach out. First, it’s critical you continue to reach out to Heavenly Father in a spirit of humility and acceptance. It’s easy to become bitter when nothing turns out the way we planned.
The second commandment to love our neighbor isn’t only about serving others. I believe it’s also teaching us about our need to reach out for love and support from our neighbors. You may feel you have talked so much about this that you have nothing more to say. I encourage you to keep talking to God and to others who have earned the right to know your struggles.
Clearly, you have your husband to provide the emotional comfort, as long as you’re opening up to him about your struggles. This may seem strange, but I also recommend you continue to reach out to your children and connect to them in the ways they’ll receive you. Staying connected to them will keep you from feeling isolated from them, even though they don’t live life like you.
I have a friend whose son chose a life of drugs and distanced himself from the family. My friend realized the only way he could physically connect with his son was to attend his son’s smoke-filled bar band concerts every weekend. He would show up at the bar to watch his son’s band play music he didn’t care for in an environment he detested. However, he knew he was able to be with his son, even for a couple of hours each week.
I appreciate Elder Holland’s encouraging words to keep moving forward in the face of overwhelming odds. For decades, he has delivered some of the most powerful sermons on enduring to the end with hopeful optimism. One of my favorite speeches is the devotional he gave at Brigham Young University when he was president of the university. He was talking to students about their challenges and the overwhelming fear of the future that is so real for students and newlyweds. He used the story of the building of the Salt Lake temple as his backdrop to provide perspective and encouragement in the face of impossible odds. He said:
As long and laborious as the effort may seem, please keep shaping and setting the stones that will make your accomplishment “a grand and imposing spectacle.” Take advantage of every opportunity to learn and grow. Dream dreams and see visions. Work toward their realization. Wait patiently when you have no other choice. Lean on your sword and rest a while, but get up and fight again. Perhaps you will not see the full meaning of your effort in your own lifetime. But your children will, or your children’s children will, until finally you, with all of them, can give the Hosanna shout.[ii]
Sometimes we feel anxiety that we have a responsibility to fix or change our family members. Your children will benefit from your calm connection and loving presence. Heavenly Father and your dear husband can help hold you while you continue to hold a place for your children.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at <a href="https://www.<hr class='system-pagebreak' />marriage-recovery.
<hr class=’system-pagebreak’ />com”>www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic and currently serves on the high council of the St. George, Utah young single adult second stake. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children. You can connect with him at:
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JemaOctober 25, 2013
These are the times that we live in. There is hardly an LDS home that isn't dealing with wayward children nowadays. We are experiencing it now with our oldest of 7 children and I must say, I sure have now a lot more understanding for others who have been going through this for years. There have been some really trying times for us and at one point it was so bad, I honestly no longer wanted her in our home... that is... until I changed. Dealing with wayward children is actually a coming to oneself. I changed the way I saw the whole situation (a disaster; she's going to ruin her life), the way I saw myself (I must have parented her wrong), the way I saw her (being "lost") and instead let God help me to see things many things: I cannot force her or change her, but I can love her and pray for her and God can soften hearts. We still have our rules, but I feel less uptight and more at peace. I need to trust that she can make the right decisions and have FAITH that God can help her. I've told Him many times... for her to be saved, it will be HIS doing, not mine. I do my best to follow promptings, to work on myself and even at times, get out of the way so that HE can work on her. I feel so much more at peace (I often tell myself "Be still and know that I am God") to help me feel at peace when I'm not feeling it and I've noticed a change in the daughter... not so openly rebellious. I need to respect her agency allowing her to make wrong choices and have to face the consequences--sometimes natural consequences, other times ones that we give--and respect the Lord's timeline. The Lord gave us these children for a specific purpose--for their learning and for our own. They aren't "lost". We need to change our thinking, be more faithful and allow ourselves to feel His peace-- "Sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child".
Lynn BrownOctober 22, 2013
My husband and I are greatly blessed by our Heavenly Father in that we were given five choice spirits to clothe with mortal bodies. Of these five, only one has a temple marriage. They are wonderful active parents who fit right into their chosen LDS lifestyle, and like the other four are living the lives they came here to experience. One of those others almost died as a child of four after losing consciousness and going into a coma. At the time I thought that death was the worst that could happen to a child. My prayers were answered, and she lived. Over the years, due to the brain damage she sustained.in her illness, she developed multiple problems. She has attempted suicide on numerous occasions. She has overdosed with pills several times and stabbed herself in the abdomen with a butcher knife twice. On her last suicide attempt she jumped off a highway train overpass and landed thirty feet below on pavement, crushing her feet and breaking most of the bones in her body. In the ten years since she recovered she has been in and out of psych hospitals and group homes. I have learned much through her travails. After many different diagnosis by as many Doctors she is now labeled a paranoid schizophrenic. She is epileptic and wheel chair bound and is on much medication, which for the most part keeps her docile and calm. Even though she was excommunicated "for conduct unbecoming a member of the Church", I have been given to know she is innocent in the eyes of our Savior. I had no answer to the Doctor who later asked me, "How could your Church excommunicate someone in her mental condition?" I have learned not to expect perfection in Church leaders, they make mistakes as do I. And I learned death is not the worst thing that could happen. These lessons helped me as I dealt with my next child, who is barren. Even though she served a mission and married in the Temple is now angry with God for her lack of children. She left both her husband and the Church and struggles with the affects of a type of bipolar disorder and alcohol. She is a most amazing woman who works for one of the largest charity organizations in the world. She would never have been able to be where she is, doing the great work she does, if my prayers for her "perfect life" had worked out as I wanted. I trust her to Our Savior. I have a wonderful younger son, who though in his thirties is as yet un married. He is active in the Church, and has a Temple Recommend, but because he is a single guy in his thirties, he isn't really "part" of Ward activities. For him, once again I have had to relearn that no one is perfect, even my son. He is doing the best he can, given the times and his situation. Once again, the answer lies in trusting the Savior's promises. I do, for that was all I had to hold on to when my youngest daughter became involved in drugs and alcohol and I came to the realization that I was part of her problem. I had enabled her by refusing to see what was there before my yes and instead trying to visualize her in her "perfect" Mormon outfit. Of course, my blinders were there to help me maintain the allusion that I was the perfect Mormon Mom. We had to allow her to fall. That included allowing her to become homeless and lose full custody of her daughter. She found the strength to pull herself out of that through the help of AA, and I found the strength to let her do it through the help of Alanon. She has been clean and sober for over five years. I learned that truth has been restored not just to the LDS church, but to programs like AA, whose founders were drunks who realized they couldn't do it anymore. They were inspired to find a higher power and trust it to lead them to sobriety. These days the LDS Church has adapted the AA program into their own version in every stake. The only way I have found to safely navigate the treacherous white waters that is parenthood is to back off from the immediacy of worry and use the perspective I have found in the Great Plan of Happiness. We are all traveling through the mists of darkness looking for the fruit. We are living through experiences which will prepare us to become as God now is. Our Heavenly Father lost a third of his Children who chose to reject the Savior. He had to watch while his own beloved perfect Son who suffered for us so we could come here and make mistakes and learn from them. Becoming as God is now requires us to pass through sorrow, so we can learn to choose the good from the evil.