Society

Welcome back to our second installment of “The Jello Belt,” where we take a look at the Mormon Culture through the answers to anonymous, unscientific surveys of Meridian readers.

Two weeks ago, three questions were asked. We had nearly 700 responses! We didn’t need all 700 responses though to see that there was a strong majority consensus in the answers.

The questions were about burnout within the Mormon culture. Overwhelmingly the responses showed that there is a perception that everyone expects too much of women.

Ironic, isn’t it? Women suggesting that all of the other women expect them to be perfect? Makes me wonder how much of it is the pot calling the kettle black?

If we are all burned out and all blaming it on other’s expectations, doesn’t that sort of make us all guilty and hypocrites? Maybe what we really need is to put more effort into sincerity, compassion, and honesty, and less effort into keeping up facades! (Where are sincerity and compassion in the Young Women Values?)

Don’t just take my word for it. Here are your responses.

Question #1

Question #2: What is the underlying reason for burnout?

(A sample of the 600+ responses.)

• Comparing our “worst” to a composite of everyone else’s “best.” An impossible standard to meet.

• Feeling pressure to say yes to every request for help

• Too many responsibilities, too many or too big a calling, terrible Sunday schedule, too many things going on at home, too long in a calling.

• Cultural norms that are viewed as gospel related.

• The use of guilt to get members to do things church leaders want done.

• Misunderstanding of the gospel message

• Most of the times members have burnt themselves out by performing their callings for the wrong person…one upping, showing off and complaining more about the calling than actually fulfilling their calling instead of just fulfilling their calling for the Lord.

• Failure to manage all the competing responsibilities

• Burnout is experienced by hard workers. Lazy people don’t experience burnout. The pressure to excel may be external or within ones self.

• Following our ideas of what we are SUPPOSED to do as opposed to following the guidance of the Spirit.

• Want to be a ‘good’ Mormon. Don’t want other Mormons to think I’m bad….even though I just can’t seem to get it all right.

• I feel there is not enough support amongst our peers for diversity. Individuals often forget that their perceptions are their reality and do not necessarily translate to truth and happiness for others. Therefore it often feels too many like a twisted form of peer pressure to conform to the majority. You have to become an unauthentic version of yourself to join the heard (or ward). Which is not comfortable. Instead of embracing the beautifully crafted individuals the Lord has created us to be. We are all divine in the Lords eyes and serve his purpose as he intended, not our peers.

• Women don’t know how to say ‘no’ when asked to do yet one more thing. And it really is the same 10 (or 20) people that always seem to do everything in any given ward.

• Too many expectations – you can’t possibly do everything you are supposed to do and not do everything you are not supposed to do. It’s exhausting and disheartening.

• You have to put on your Sunday smile & pretend that everything in your family is perfect & that you are doing wonderfully. You wouldn’t dare tell the truth that you are hurting & need help & prayers but always pretend that you are the perfect Mormon family.

• Weight of the World/Ward on their shoulders. Women are a vacuum. They pick up whatever isn’t getting done and take it upon themselves to do it, be it Family, Church, Social. All bags have a capacity, when that’s exceeded “Burnout.”

• We are expected to be perfect in every way and that burden eventually becomes too heavy to carry.

• The disease of perfectionism. We can’t really define what being perfect is, or means; however we’re all striving for it. We don’t know the cause or cure; but Mormon women seem to be afflicted with the malady more than any other cultural group. There is a theory being tossed about lately that exposer to Barbie Dolls too early in life could be the culprit.

• Feeling overwhelmed for long periods of time. Always thinking, “I just need to finish this or that” for my ward calling and then realizing something more demanding is right around the corner…I am a young women’s pres. that lives 1 1/2 hours from my stake center, the drive and meetings, and activities alone are exhausting and that doesn’t include my dizzying responsibilities at home.

• The incredible amounts of expectations of the church. Activities multiple times a week (at a minimum 2x), duties that require you to prepare for Sundays and other activities, requests to take care of the myriad of temporal needs of your ward, then comes temple, family history, cannery requests, missionary work, personal spiritual needs. The further away from the west you get, the amount of work gets multiplied as the congregations become smaller and more diverse. Simply put, the church expects waaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

• I know the article was intended to be light-hearted, but it touches on a deeper issue. A lot of times people (especially women) are judged on superficial issues such as not drinking coffee (while always having a Diet Coke nearby) or what they wear to church (dresses, yes, but not pants). Working moms versus stay at homes (who are generally considered as to be more obedient) is another issue. What we should each be focused on is our personal relationship with God and Jesus Christ. If that were our true goal, then all the “jello belt” trappings would soon fall away as we endeavored to become more spiritual and less judgmental.

• Church is run like a franchise. Like McDonalds, McGospel is minimally nourishing. Business attire, meetings structured like business meetings, lots and lots of structured programs. Same boring menu/lessons from same people. For men there is the constant pressure to be a great provider which is harder and harder in an economy where real wages have been going down since the 70s. Then you have your family responsibilities to juggle with various callings, service, home teaching, cannery/packing/cleaning assignments etc. require a lot of time commitment. According to Elder Packer and most women I know in the church, men are supposed to be the disciplinarians for children which is draining for those with young kids who don’t like to sit through a boring hour long business meeting.

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    I also think the social/friends at church, glue that bind a lot of women together is missing for many men. Leaders spend a lot of time porn shaming men and rarely complementing men. A lot of time talking about how spiritual or underappreciated women are. I am not sure men feel more pressure than women, I know women have their own challenges, I just seem to hear a lot more about their challenges at church. Women seem to get objectified by looks, behavior of children, and homemaking skills, men seem to get objectified by worldly success/ability as a provider and what callings they attain to.

 Question #3

There is something to be learned from everyone. If we all think everyone else thinks we have to be perfect, maybe all it would take is a brokered truce on all sides to lay down the weapons and facades of false representation, and go out and be your real self. Say no, and let them see your gray hairs!

Join us for our new survey on caffeinated beverages!

I like to call it the Diet Coke Doctrine, or the Proclamation on Pepsi. Call it what you will, but there are few more divisive subjects in this culture than whether or not it is against the Word of Wisdom to partake of a caffeinated bubbly.

Add your thoughts to this 2 question survey here!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and single woman. By day she works in marketing, and by night she hunts unicorns and writes romantic novels, “You Heard It Here First,” and the sequel “This Just In! And if you really want to keep on her social life, you can always find her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.