The following is a very personal story, one that I have not truly shared in its entirety with anyone before. I share it here today because I feel very strongly that the time has come to do so. I hope the pains and questions of my journey will help someone else know that they are not alone.
Not so long ago, I began to truly doubt myself, my testimony, and everything about the culture I was raised in. I was (still am) in my mid to late thirties, single, and under-employed. I felt like a complete failure at life. The two things that the majority of people in this country, and for that matter, around the world, managed to accomplish (marriage and employment), I could not seem to achieve. Financially destitute and all alone without a companion, things began to spiral down.
I am not a person who gets easily depressed. I’m a realist. I could stop and take myself out of the situation and appraise it for what it was. I was stuck in a life and a journey that I felt I had very little control over. I understood that I had situational depression, and I needed to ride it out, and not give up.
I prayed very sincerely for guidance on this subject. I finally started to accept that maybe marriage just isn’t going to happen for me, at least not by that magical, mysterious age of forty. (I know marriage can happen after forty, but all women who have ever craved to have a child understand the importance of forty.) Finally, an amazing career opportunity came along that would have taken me out of the country, and therefore, reduce the size of my dating pool from “nearly non-existent” to “absolute zero.” This was a very tough decision and one that broke my heart no matter which way I looked at it. Give up a major career opportunity for the remote possibility of meeting someone? Or give up what may be my last chances of ever having a child in order to pursue an amazing experience? There was no easy or right answer.
I sat down and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Too many people had opinions and not one of them the same. Everyone seemed to think there was an obvious answer (though no one had the same answer), but I did not. I know the realities of dating. I know how many dates I have been on lately, and I know how many dates lead to absolutely nothing. (The math of dating is quite humbling.) How could I justify turning down an amazing opportunity for something I had no control over? Not to mention, there was always that off-chance that I would meet the perfect person for me off on the other side of the world. It was incredibly unlikely, but in the words of Lloyd from “Dumb and Dumber, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”
I couldn’t make the decision. It was killing me. Breaking my heart in ways I cannot explain. Follow my dream just to have to sacrifice my other dream? And the problem was, the dream went both ways- the job, and/or the chance to ever have children.
In the end, the decision was made for me by a bureaucratic mess up. I didn’t have to make the decision after all, and the career opportunity disappeared. It was both relieving and heart-breaking all at the same time. But I took it as Divine Intervention, and accepted my fate.
But the problem was that my fate had not changed. I was still unemployed. I still wasn’t dating. I was still the girl stuck on top of a mountain in a small town hundreds of miles away from a social life, her friends, and most things that bring her joy.
For whatever reason, in all of this it was dating that caused the most depression in my life. Or should I say- the lack of dating? There was no one around to date. I live in a small town where there just aren’t a lot of single men my age. Believe me, I know, I’ve looked. But at my age, in this culture, it is expected that I should be doing everything possible to get married, or accepting my fate as an old maid and moving on. It frustrated me to no end that I could not afford to travel to bigger towns to attend singles activities and that I could not find a job in one of those towns either.
When my fate was suddenly sealed that I would still be living here in the dating tundra, and that I would also not be getting to go off on amazing adventures, serious depression set in. How could the Lord want this misery for me? No social life, few friends, under-employed at best, unable to support myself? Why? Why did the Lord give me this life? And why did it have to last so long (at that point, un- or under-employed for 2 full years)?
What have I done wrong? Was I being punished? Is there a sin I forgot to repent of? Why don’t I get to have the simplest blessings in life that the majority of the world has obtained? Why am I still single? Why can’t I find a job? Why me? And what did I do to deserve this?
It truly felt like there was nothing I could do to change my situation. I could apply for all the jobs in the world, but I cannot (could not) make someone open my resume and pick me. No matter how qualified I am and how hard I try, I cannot make someone else pick me. In many respects, applying for jobs is a little too much like dating.
And then one day it hit me. It was almost an unthinkable thought. It went against so much of what is expected that I struggled to accept the spiritual prompting I knew I felt. Instead of praying to find a man or get married, I needed to stop, and pray to be happy with who I am. I prayed that if marriage wasn’t meant to be for me, that that desire would be removed from me. I prayed that I wouldn’t crave someone else’s companionship as much as I did. It was not an easy thing to pray for. It made me sad to even think about accepting this as my situation in life.
It wasn’t long after that that a girlfriend of mine told me about how she had grieved for a friend who had infertility problems. But no one ever grieved for my friend that she had passed that ominous age of forty without a husband or child. My friend needed to grieve the loss of her own unused fertility, and she had made the decision to do so. It was freeing for her. It made a lot of sense to me. I needed to do the same thing. I needed to grieve the loss of my own fertility, as well as the loss of a companionship I never knew. I tried to bring the subject up with other friends, but no one seemed to understand. I was given platitudes of “Oh, don’t give up!” “You’re not forty yet!” and other completely worthless points of view.
But grieve I did. I let it out. I prayed like I have never prayed before to understand my grief.
But then, it was okay. I was alright. I had let it out, and let the burden go. I felt whole again, like I could accept whatever path the Lord set me on, regardless of whether or not it ever included a husband, children, or even finding a job.
I finally felt happy again. It was a very good feeling. And the best part of all was that my prayer was answered- I no longer felt this need or desire to be dating or find a man. I was also finally happy in my “under-employment” situation. Instead of wasting time driving to far off cities on weekends to attend singles events, I stayed home, and gave in to my creativity. I felt inspired to start writing again, something I hadn’t felt in years. I sat down and the words just flowed right out of me. In record time I wrote three novels and a short story.
I turned my life over to the Lord and the Church. (In my head I had accepted and embraced the idea of truly being a Mormon Nun.) I showed the Lord my gratitude by committing to myself, and to Him, that I would accept and happily do anything requested of me by my family or ward. The following months were filled with service beyond measure. Several people commented that they could not understand why I was doing so many things (sometimes to my own detriment) for my ward. But I knew and that was all that mattered.
It was, without question, some of the happiest times of my life.
I will admit here and now that it did not last forever- the happiness with my state of employment, not dating, or being willing to do everything asked of me. In fact, there was a day I remember quite clearly, about six months later, when I felt very strongly that I had done what the Lord asked of me, and I was done. Those feelings that I had not missed about dating and marriage returned to me instantly. But I guess that was a good thing, considering what happened next.
But what happened next is a story for another day and time. After all, I’m not entirely sure it is finished yet.
Erin Ann McBride has published two novels and one short story in the past year. “You Heard It Here First,” and “This Just In” are both available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. She may not have a full-time job but she keeps plenty busy with other projects, like mormonauthors.wordpress.com where you can find the newest books by your favorite LDS authors.
KellyFebruary 18, 2014
I thought I was the only who thought of becoming the "Mormon Nun"!
HollyJuly 6, 2013
Erin, It's time for you to read Pres Hinckley's talk: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1997/03/a-conversation-with-single-adults?lang=eng To you single women and men who wish to be married I say this, Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably. And maybe Pres Benson's talk too: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/10/to-the-single-adult-sisters-of-the-church?lang=eng My humble desire for the wonderful single adult sisters of the Church is that you will receive all that the Father hath,