My husband and I were married 17 years before we were sealed in the temple. We had a good marriage before, so I didn’t expect anything would change. After we were sealed and time went on, I became aware that more things had changed than I had anticipated. We began to see our marriage and our relationships with our children in a whole new light. It was no longer “what I want,” or “what we want as a couple,” or even “what is best for our family.” Instead, we began to see things as “how will this affect our eternal family.” Our children began to see each other differently, as well.
Over the years, it has been interesting to see relationships change. Our children are now grown, and all but one is married. We’ve thrown new people into the family mix and someday there will be more. These people are expected to act like us and understand us, yet while LDS, they all come from entirely different backgrounds. Somehow they are expected to “fit in” to our mold.I believe it is important for the mold to be reshaped from time to time. Molds need to flexible, or they will shatter.
It is not easy to throw so many personalities into the pit and not have a few sparks. Every family has problems, as none of us is perfect. The important thing is to keep working at it. We must keep working at our relationships with other family members.
My husband and I were talking the other day about the fact that while it is our responsibility to work out our relationships with our children, their spouses, and our grandchildren, it is not our responsibility to work out relationships between our children’s families. They must work out their eternal relationships on their own.
This has far-reaching effects. Since families are linked together, each family member is responsible for working out relationships with extended family members (cousins, aunts, uncles) for the eternities-even those they may want to avoid here on earth. Putting ourselves in a bubble and avoiding those who we have differences of opinion with, or who we just don’t “click” with, or who we frankly don’t even like, is stifling to our own eternal progress.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the First Presidency taught in the April 2012 General Conference:
“I imagine that every person on earth has been affected in some way by the destructive spirit of contention, resentment, and revenge. Perhaps there are even times when we recognize this spirit in ourselves. When we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment.
Of course, we know this is wrong. The doctrine is clear. We all depend on the Savior; none of us can be saved without Him. Christ’s Atonement is infinite and eternal. Forgiveness for our sins comes with conditions. We must repent, and we must be willing to forgive others.
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This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!”
Many of us laughed when we heard President Uchtdorf speak those words. It sounded so utterly over-simplified as to be humorous. But is it? If we want our familial ties to be eternal, then it is indeed very simple. We must “stop it.”
It helps me to look at motives and approaches. Each of us approaches things differently depending upon our upbringing. Some people are very subtle; others are very blunt. The subtle person and the blunt person often have the same good motives, but they just use a different approach. A person brought up gently with family members making subtle comments and suggestions, can often be shocked and/or offended when a blunt personality is thrown in the mix. Someone brought up in a family that speaks their minds openly and honestly is usually frustrated by the subtle person who beats around the bush. Yet both people usually have good intentions.
My dad, a very wise man, used to say, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” He once used an example of a soldier he knew in World War II who talked about his wife using the most derogatory terms, yet the tone in his voice let everyone around him know that he loved his wife more than life itself. Of course, Dad was not advocating calling our spouse names (nor am I), but he was emphasizing the fact that we all have different ways of speaking and interacting with people.
I remember the first time I met my husband’s parents. I grew up with parents who were not huggers, nor did they openly display affection for each other. We all knew my parents had the love affair of the century, but open affection was a very rare occurrence-usually only seen if a child happened to unexpectedly come into a room at an inopportune moment. You can imagine my shock at watching my future in-laws pinching each other’s bottoms as they walked by each other. It took a long time to get used to the open display of affection. We all communicate differently because we come from different backgrounds. In my own marriage, we have somehow managed to meet in the middle.
Family communication can be further complicated by differences in core beliefs. While some members of a family may feel a deep obligation to be good member missionaries, other family members may be non-members, less active members, or members of a part-member family. The active family member who has the more timid personality will lay subtle hints or simply live life in such a manner as to set a good example. The active family member who has the strong personality will often feel compelled to boldly declare gospel principles.
The key in this situation (as in all others) is to know who your audience is and to adapt to their communication patterns. Boldly declaring the gospel to a strong personality can work, but boldly declaring the gospel to a timid person will almost always backfire. The quiet, reserved person needs a more refined and gentle approach. This is true about all communication, not just gospel centered conversations.
As we strive to bring our family ties closer together, let us also strive to be better communicators. If we are tolerant with each other and love each other, we will also learn to appreciate our differences and to learn from one another.We must always look behind the voice of the communicator at his/her motives. As we communicate ourselves, we must learn to adapt to our audience. Equally important, we must forgive each other for our communication differences.
