Line upon Line

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One of my great regrets is not something I did, but something I left undone. Decades ago, I received a phone call from my dear friend Justine* letting me know that she had given birth to her first child: a full-term baby girl–stillborn. I couldn’t begin to imagine the shock, grief, and loss Justine and her husband were experiencing.

Several times that week I sat down and attempted to write a note to express my sympathy, but each time I tore up what I had written because my words were weak, and I feared they would only make my friends feel worse. In the end, I sent nothing. Years later, in a conversation with Justine, I confessed to her what I had done–or not done. Her reply still rings in my mind, “I wish you had sent that note.” She told me that many people were uncomfortable with the situation surrounding her baby’s passing and avoided her rather than expressing sympathy, because they didn’t know what to say. However poorly my note might have been written, it would at least have sent a message that I cared.

It’s not our responsibility to solve other people’s problems, but as followers of Jesus Christ we are asked to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light… to mourn with those who mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…” (Mosiah 18:8-9) Most of us are willing to do this, but sometimes we struggle to know what is truly helpful when others are facing difficult situations. I have asked several friends and family members for their insights on this subject: “When you want to help but you don’t know how.”

Tonya has experienced anxiety and depression; the death of a loved one; a child with serious disability; miscarriage; serious medical mishaps; secondary infertility; becoming a caregiver. When I asked what was most helpful to her in those difficult times, she responded without hesitation:

“ACKNOWLEDGE, ACKNOWLEDGE, ACKNOWLEDGE! Don’t do nothing. Even if it is a squeeze of the arm and a knowing look in passing at church or in the neighborhood. Sometimes the very best uplift I’ve received is a wordless touch. I just need to know that people are aware of my pain. So often we don’t know what to say. When there are no good words, a simple “You are in my heart” usually suffices.”

She continues, “Ask the suffering individual about their situation and listen without providing platitudes, such as saying you “know how they feel” or “you must be so strong” or telling a story about someone else you know who’s been through something similar. We tend to have a hard time just sitting with someone’s pain. We want to “fix” it and have them feel better immediately. Even in the most difficult circumstances people want to express their emotions.”

Sometimes we’re sorry that all we can do is pray. But should not discount the power of a heartfelt, pleading prayer said in faith for people we care about. My friend Lori has asked me on several occasions, “How can I be praying for you?” I’ve appreciated her question, and after sharing specific ways she could pray for me, I have actually felt the prayers of this dear friend on my behalf.

Roxanne shared how she felt supported during some rough times as a parent. “I was struggling with one of my teenagers, actually picturing him in prison one day if he didn’t change direction. Looking back, I recognize I was over-exaggerating the severity of his issues, but the future disastrous outcomes loomed large and real to me. My sister would let me talk, but never “went there” with me. She just kept insisting that he was a good kid and asked if I truly thought he would do those bad things. I had to admit that I couldn’t imagine it, and she restated with authority that he never would. Her belief in him helped boost my belief in him. For many more years I relied on her statement of fact that “He’s a good kid, Roxanne” when my anxieties would threaten to take me down.”

Susan recalls, “When my dad died, it was nice to have people tell me stories about him or things he said about me. I learned things about my dad I hadn’t known and appreciated people telling me experiences they had with him. It would be especially nice to have those stories in written format so they can be read again later.  Also, if possible, reaching out a month or so later to those who are grieving and asking how they are doing is a thoughtful way to show you are still thinking of them and their loss.” 

Janice relates, “Early on the morning after my husband passed away, I stepped out onto my front porch and was surprised to find Margaret, a friend in her 70’s, kneeling in the yard, carefully weeding among the shrubs and flower beds. Margaret was aware that many people had delivered gifts of food during the last days of Doug’s life, but cooking wasn’t her strength. Still, she found a meaningful way to serve. She spent hours that day beautifying the yard, and I was grateful to have everything look nice during that week before Doug’s funeral, when many visitors stopped by. A month later, Margaret returned and again performed the same service, knowing that my sorrow didn’t end with the funeral, and I was still recovering from my loss.”

Tonya understands this truth as well. “Sometimes the hardest times come months or years after the difficult situation has occurred. We are often numb for a period of time after trauma, due to our brain’s need to protect itself from a reality we’re not quite ready for. Once we have time to process months down the road, the need for recognition and validation actually increases. I remember distinctly years ago when my neighbor Audrey lost her husband in an accident. The immediate outpouring of support was tremendous. But I knew the darkest times would come when everybody else went back to the rhythm of their lives, while Audrey’s world had changed forever.

“Each month for a year, on the date of her husband’s death, I found a small way to let Audrey know I was thinking of her–that I still recognized her grief. Several years later, after she had moved out of the neighborhood and was engaged to be remarried, she reached out to let me know how much my support through that first year had meant. It was nothing big, but it WAS! And that acknowledgement was what she needed most.”

In the middle of cancer treatments, Liz points out that grandiose gestures are not required in order to help. “…just reach out in any way you are comfortable. When you have a challenge that you are dealing with the most important thing to feel from others is love and support. This has happened to me in a variety of ways. The most notable was just a listening ear to recount my struggle. The traditional meals and service are lovely and mean a lot–but by far the most touching and spiritually healing service has been small amounts of time to feel heard and loved. Validating the challenge is so soothing and lets you feel a touch of heaven.

“Many people make assumptions like, “Oh they don’t need help,” or “I don’t want to bother them.” But even a note or a hug is healing. I’ve made those assumptions before and have later had someone say, “Why didn’t you stop by?” or “I would’ve loved to have heard from you.” The truth is, it takes a very small, sincere effort to show love and it means the world while you’re enduring a struggle.”

Roxanne writes, “I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 30 with three little boys to care for. I had an aunt who I respected greatly who encouraged me to look into all of the treatment options. She recommended books and sent articles that opened my eyes to some of the ways I could be empowered to take charge of my own recovery and health. My mom helped me pull a trash can over to my pantry and start filling it with the junk that cancer feeds on. Then she took me to the grocery store and helped me restock my kitchen with healthy, life-giving foods. I had the motivation, but none of the confidence or know-how at that point. I really needed my mother and aunt to help me focus on caring for myself so that I could care for my family. There wasn’t time to feel sorry for myself. I had a lot to learn and two angel family members to help me learn it.”

Candy shares a personal story. “Many years ago, I was a young mother with a small child, going through an unwanted divorce. I found myself and my little son suddenly alone and so sad. Thank goodness I had a good job and was able to take care of the two of us. I was able to pay all my bills but was on a very tight budget with nothing left over for any extras.

“One Saturday morning as I was cleaning house, my doorbell rang and there was my sister-in-law with three bags of groceries. Opening each bag was like Christmas, I was so excited and grateful for those supplies that I needed plus a few extra treats. This expression of love is something I have never forgotten, and my heart is still so tender each time I think about it. What a thoughtful thing my sister-in-law did to surprise me.” 

Last fall, after the passing of a treasured friend, Janice was struggling with grief. In spite of her sure testimony of the resurrection, this loss greatly affected her daily life, and depression was setting in. A large envelope arrived in the mail a week later with an unusual homemade gift to lift her spirits. Her grandson Jason and his wife Marisa had sent “paper hugs” cut out of butcher paper on which they had traced their heads, shoulders, and arms long enough to reach around her in a paper embrace. They even included one from their toddler. On each paper was a brief note of love. Though Jason and Marisa lived out of state, they creatively found a way to give Janice comfort during her low moments. Their thoughtful gift brought genuine smiles to her face for the first time in weeks. And yes, she actually did wrap those paper arms around her neck!

 Becky, who has endured thirteen years of chronic illness, writes, “I think it’s all a matter of prayer. Pray every day to be able to help someone, and pray that He can send someone to help you. Then pay attention.” It touches me deeply that Becky, who has suffered so much, still prays to be able to help someone else.

I’ve shared the following story before, but it bears repeating: “I learned an important lesson about acting in love from my husband Brad many years ago. Early one June morning a phone call jarred us out of a deep sleep. It was the kind of call every bishop dreads. There had been an accident, and a 26-year-old man from our congregation was on life support. I heard some of the details as my husband took the call, and he filled me in on the rest after hanging up the phone. Then I watched as Brad rubbed his sleepy eyes and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He sat there for a long moment, sighed deeply, then stood and started making phone calls. Soon he was on his way to the hospital to meet with the young wife whose world had just been turned upside down.

“Later that evening I asked my husband how he knew what to do in that kind of situation. He said, “I don’t. But I’ve learned that you have to show up.” He went on to say that if you sit around wondering what to do, you’ll never figure it out, but if you act in some way–such as going to the person need–the Lord can direct you from there. In this particular situation there wasn’t much anyone could do except surround the soon-to-be-widowed young woman, so she knew she was not alone. Brad spoke of his counselor who went with him to the hospital, the Relief Society president, the Elders Quorum president, and other friends from the ward who arrived in those early hours to give support. They likely wondered exactly what to say or do, but by showing up to embrace a grieving woman they were acting in love.” (1) 

Susan shares, “Sometimes we have no idea what to say, so we say nothing. I believe actions matter when words are hard to come by. I am a very private person when it comes to my struggles with depression, anxiety, my daughter’s mental health struggles, and my divorce. Many times, people don’t know what I am going through because I don’t share, or I share only with very close friends. At the time of my divorce, one thing that stood out to me was when my neighbor Erin brought me flowers, just because. This is something I will never forget. I was a very broken person at that time and that simple gesture made me feel as though I mattered. Flowers, a loaf of bread, a note, etc. can make all the difference when we have no idea what to say.

“I have had episodes of depression and anxiety throughout my life. Talking to others who struggle with the same thing has been extremely helpful to me.  If a person doesn’t know what it is like to deal with depression or anxiety, it’s helpful to acknowledge that.  Again, flowers, notes, and other thoughtful gestures are always a good way to let someone know you care about them, especially when they may not feel like being social or going out. My husband makes me dinner sometimes when I am depressed, as even thinking about what to cook can feel overwhelming at times. His acts of service have helped me tremendously.

“Having a daughter with severe ADHD and OCD has been exhausting and isolating. I appreciate it when her leaders tell me they are praying for her and when they reach out to her, even if she doesn’t respond or go to an activity. Also, something that is very helpful to me is when people understand ADHD and OCD either through experience or through taking the time to learn about it and what it involves.  We joke about having ADHD and OCD, but the actual diagnosis can be very debilitating and challenging to live with. I believe asking about it and learning more about it helps that person not feel so alone and gives needed support.

“There were some things that I experienced when I was going through a divorce that were not helpful. A friend told me there were people gossiping about me, and that was very isolating. I only kept going to church because of my deep faith in God. Also, when I’ve brought up some of the mental health challenges of the young women or others, I have heard comments like “they just need to put their big girl pants on,” from people who do not understand mental health challenges. I have prayed to understand how to include girls and others who have a hard time even coming to church, talking in church, or feeling like they are enough due to mental health issues. I think getting them to come is not as important as helping them to feel loved. If we can make them feel loved and accepted, then we are teaching them the gospel.”

Cami relates a tender personal story. “We did an invitro procedure several years ago to try to grow our family. On a Sunday morning when my husband was the bishop, I took a pregnancy test before going to church. I hadn’t seen my husband all morning, of course, because he was busy with meetings.

“I went to church knowing that the test was negative. I thought I had a hold on my emotions, but I had a hard time at church. Right after Sacrament meeting, I was supposed to go do the music for Primary, but my emotions got the better of me and I just sat in the pew with my head down, trying to figure out how to control my emotions. My hormones were all whacked out because we had just done invitro, so on top of the negative pregnancy test, I was a mess.

“I should not have tried to go to church that day. My husband wasn’t aware of what was happening. I was not on his radar at all that morning because of his duties as bishop. But a friend of mine saw me, and she came and sat next to me and put her arm around me. She didn’t ask any questions at all. My friend didn’t have any clue what was going on, and I didn’t explain to her. She just sat with me and let me cry–and that meant the world to me. I think about that all the time. I will never forget how she just sat there with me in my despair.

“Maybe there aren’t any words that you can say when someone is hurting, and maybe there’s nothing that you can do, but you can just be there with them.”

We can always look to Jesus Christ, the ultimate example of showing up for people in their lowest times, their deepest sorrows. He made himself available to others. He came when they called. And He wept with them. As we carefully study the life of the Savior, and prayerfully ask our Heavenly Father for specific inspiration when those around us are suffering, we can more effectively serve and bless His children.

*names changed

Notes:

1. Lynne Perry Christofferson, Daring to Act in Love, Meridian Magazine, https://latterdaysaintmag.com/daring-to-act-in-love/#google_vignette