While counseling at BYU-Hawaii, a student came into my office who was very emotional and told me that he and his girlfriend had just broken up. He was nearly inconsolable. After several minutes, he was finally able to have better control over his breathing, the crying stopped, and he told me about the breakup. Apparently, he had initiated the breakup. He said there was no sinful behavior, there was no abuse of any kind (as a therapist, I do not act as a bishop and do not ask worthiness questions, but I do make sure everyone is safe), he offered the information as part of his explanation of the situation. He said he finally felt that they just were not a match. He knew he had to break it off, but it was still heartbreaking.
An hour later, a young woman came into my office who was also very emotional and told me that she and her boyfriend has just broken up. Yes, she was the other half of the relationship with the young man who had come in earlier.
As a therapist, I feel like my responsibility is not to take sides or to influence anyone to get back together or to break up. It is my job to help them explore their own feelings without steering them in one direction or another. I asked each one how this could be a learning experience. What did the Lord want you to learn about relationships?
During the relationship, what were the positive qualities you appreciated in him/her? What things about him/her were not so great and which things were deal-breakers? What have you learned about another person’s thoughts and feelings, hope and fears, dreams and goals? If you wrote them a letter of appreciation, what are some good experiences you had together? What can you say or write that will build them up as a person so the breakup doesn’t leave them feeling like they are worthless and will never have another meaningful relationship? What would it feel like to actually send such a letter? How would that strengthen them and how would that strengthen you?
There was an article that said a person will have on average three or four serious relationships prior to marriage. That can be a lot of heartbreak or that can be a lot of learning experiences. It will likely be both. But don’t give up! It took Nephi and his brothers three tries before they obtained the plates of brass. Not every marriage is proceeded by “our eyes met across the room and we knew!”
President, then Elder, Dallin H. Oaks taught “Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship.” (Dating versus Hanging Out, CES fireside, June 2006.) [It should be noted that in some cultures, dating and courtship may differ, but the principles of love, temple marriage, and eternal families as taught by our prophets and apostles remain the same.]
May the Lord bless us to recognize the lessons we can learn in all of our relationships as we strive to love one another as He loves us.
