Question

I would love to hear an LDS therapist’s perspective about my situation. I’ve been with my wife who suffers from severe borderline personality disorder for decades. I just heard from our Patriarch that “difficulties” in marriage should be offset (if not indeed eliminated) by the hope for a perfected spouse in heaven. While this may be the only thread I have left to hang on to, how does one reconcile that against being abused emotionally and financially for an average of 200 days a year for decades? And it’s the 165 days a year without abuse that makes things even more confounding and that’s made worse by the fact that the abuse is not intentional or malicious and yet the disorder will remain untreated (and is actually getting worse). I consider hanging in there due to age and failing health but I’m also quite certain that my life expectancy would be significantly extended if removed from persistent abuse. My children tell me that they would definitely like me to be around longer rather than hunkering down under the burden of abuse and trying to run out the clock.

Answer

Living with and loving a spouse impacted by a serious mental illness is a difficult trial that is often misunderstood and misjudged. You’ve likely been given well-meaning, but unhelpful, advice about how to best cope with your wife’s condition. It’s also likely you’ve been blamed and burdened with the responsibility to make things better despite the significant imbalance caused by a serious personality disorder. I certainly don’t want to add to your trouble, but I will do my best to offer support.

I’m guessing the Patriarch you quoted was referring to the scripture in Alma 40:23 that teaches what will happen to our bodies in the resurrection: “The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.” This is hopeful doctrine that gives us hope for the day when our imperfect and fragile bodies will no longer be subject to the conditions of a fallen world. This scripture in Alma doesn’t only refer to the body, but also the soul, which, in our latter-day scripture is clarified to be both the body and the spirit.[i] Though you might hold tightly to the revealed truth that your wife’s mental illness is temporary, it doesn’t automatically remove the very real impact of living with abuse. Nor does it give license for you to endure ongoing abuse.

Yes, the hope of complete restoration after this life can save you from sinking into a pit of despair. It can also validate that you are dealing with something real and serious in the present that needs attention while you wait for a better day. Just because you might have hope for future relief doesn’t mean you allow yourself or others to endure destructive behavioral patterns in the name of faith.

Hanging in there, as you put it, doesn’t have to mean that you allow yourself to be a punching bag in the name of being a supportive and understanding husband. I recognize this isn’t an easy road to travel, as there are both good and awful days. Elder Patrick Kearon, our newest Apostle, spoke compassionately to survivors of abuse in his April 2022 General Conference address. He reminded you and all survivors that the abuse isn’t your fault and that you can experience healing in ways you never thought possible.[ii]

Even though spiritual healing will fill you with peace, hope, and strength, there are still practical matters that must be addressed. Loyalty to someone doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be abused. You can stay loyal and faithful to your wife in your mind and heart while still establishing safeguards in the face of her abuse. I recognize the abuse from someone with a personality disorder is often subtle and difficult to detect. Sometimes it’s hard to know when you’re being abused until some time has passed. But, as you recognize patterns of abuse, you can courageously make the necessary adjustments in your proximity to her to prevent further damage.[iii]

Your children appear to understand the impact this is having on you and on them. Even though it may seem like you’re ganging up on your wife by counseling with your children, I believe when there are safety concerns involving abusive patterns, it’s important to speak clearly and directly about what’s happening. You never have to ask permission from anyone to protect yourself from abuse.

You mentioned that the disorder remains untreated and is worsening. This is concerning, as untreated mental health conditions can escalate, leading to increased suffering for both the individual and their loved ones. Seeking treatment is a crucial step, not just for the potential of improving the relationship, but for the mental health of your wife and the overall dynamics of your family.

Your health and safety are paramount, and while the covenant of marriage is sacred, it does not require you to passively endure abuse. Your children’s plea for your well-being is telling, and their desires to have you in their lives for as long as possible are valid and important.

There are resources that can offer support, such as counseling for you, church leaders, and possibly even support groups for spouses of individuals with personality disorders. If your wife is willing, there are proven protocols, such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, that can help her manage her intense emotions and fears of abandonment. However, if she won’t seek treatment, it’s critical for you and your children to seek support so you can have a clearer perspective as you navigate this difficult path.

I appreciate the comforting counsel from Elder Joaquin E. Costa “When our pain or the pain of someone we love is so much that we can’t bear it, remembering Jesus Christ and coming unto Him can lighten the burden, soften the heart, and ease the pain.”[iv]

As you continue to seek His comfort and His will for you and your family, remember to care for yourself, seek professional help, and set appropriate boundaries to protect your physical and emotional health. Your journey is not just about enduring to the end; it’s also about finding, safety, joy, and peace in this life.

 

Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at

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If broken trust is an issue in your relationship, download Geoff’s FREE video series “The First Steps to Rebuilding Trust” to help you begin healing: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/freebie

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About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.

The advice offered through Geoff Steurer’s column is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist by writing this column, but rather using his training to inform these responses. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through this content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.

[i] Doctrine and Covenants 88:15-16

[ii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/04/24kearon?lang=eng

[iii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/life-help/abuse?lang=eng

 

[iv] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/24costa?id=p26&lang=eng#p26