Question

I have struggled with approval of my family for years. Last year my sister wrecked my car she was making payments on but stopped paying insurance. She had other repairs she wanted done and we worked together to get those repairs done. She didn’t fully tell my brother or mother all the story and made me look like I was trying to take the car from her. She ended up telling me to stick it and told me to keep the car as she didn’t want it. My sister lives with my mother. She has always been the black sheep because of her lifestyle. However, she recently found favor with our mom because she offered her some financial support. Over the years all of us kids have had to be financial supporters to my mother.

The past year has been draining and I have started to pull away from my family completely. I have worked for my brother for years. Because I am going through a divorce, I took another job with benefits and better income to help me raise my children. Consequently, I have been blackballed by all my family members. My brother keeps in contact to ask about work stuff to help his business but nothing else. My mom recently told me, “I am not ok with how you treat your sister and brother. I love you but I’m disappointed.” I do not feel I am wrong in doing something to better my family’s position. But they all feel I am selfish for not continuing to run my brother’s business.

My question is how can I move past my anger and also help my kids who have lost their family too?

Answer

It’s not easy living in a family where there are entangled expectations surrounding money, work, caretaking, and family loyalty. Even though every family has unspoken rules and expectations, the healthiest families strive to understand and support the unique needs of its members instead of pressuring each person to de-self in support of the family rules. Let’s see how you might untangle some of these unhealthy dynamics for you and your children.

First, it’s never selfish to put the needs of your children ahead of other people. This is the primary responsibility of every parent. We look out for those who are dependent on us and make sure they have what they need even if it goes against the self-interest of other adults. If you don’t prioritize your children’s physical and emotional needs, who will? I applaud your efforts to improve your family’s situation with your new job.

Perhaps the arrangement you had with your brother in the past was a good fit for you at that time. It’s important to adjust patterns that no longer meet the original intention. Sometimes we hold on to dysfunctional patterns out of loyalty, fear, and other unspoken assumptions. Humans are creatures of habit and it’s common to stay too long in situations that could otherwise thrive with a few adjustments.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to make an adjustment to unhealthy patterns. Of course, any adjustment is going to have an impact on other people, so you can certainly have compassion and awareness of other people’s experiences. However, a major task in maturing as an adult is learning to handle disappointment. If you spend your life trying to not disappoint other people, you will end up feeling very disappointed about your own life.

It’s impossible to keep other people from being disappointed all the time. All of us have competing needs, unique histories, and varied sensitivities that collide in the most unexpected ways. All we can do is try our best to take care of our own responsibilities and offer grace and patience to each other. Just because your family believes it’s in your best interest to respond to them a certain way doesn’t mean that it’s the only way to do things.

If you are hanging on to the job with your brother’s company out of loyalty to the family, check to see if it’s a good fit for you. Take an honest inventory of what will work best for you and your children. Perhaps it makes sense for you to focus on your new job and allow your brother to hire someone else who can fully commit to his business. You might also talk with him about any concerns he might have about how you are showing up as an employee and any impact that might have on how he feels about you as his sister. Call on your courage to speak your unspoken concerns rather than endlessly ruminating over them.

Every family has healthy and unhealthy expectations that are created and passed on through the generations. Several Book of Mormon prophets referred to these as the “traditions of the fathers.”[i] The Savior commanded the early leaders of the Restored Church to watch for incorrect traditions and eliminate them:

And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and because of the tradition of their fathers. “But I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth.[ii]

I love the imagery of shining a light on the traditions, rules, customs, and expectations in our families. I believe this is a dynamic and ongoing practice that requires diligence. There are challenging dynamics in your relationships with your sister, mother, and brother that have cost you a lot of money, time, and energy. Sometimes it’s helpful to push pause on certain expectations to get more perspective so you can reengage in a more intentional and healthy way.

You don’t have to hide this work from your children. You can help them see in developmentally appropriate ways that you’re actively working to care for them and find better ways to do things in your own life. You can show compassion for the struggle other family members might have with these changes and invite your children to choose how they want to respond as well. This is the same work they’ll continue to do with you and each other as they mature.

Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@ge**********.com  

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About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.

The advice offered through Geoff Steurer’s column is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist by writing this column, but rather using his training to inform these responses. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through this content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.

[i] See Enos 1:14 and Mosiah 10:12-13, 17

[ii] D&C 93:39-40