Question
My still unmarried, returned missionary, and only child, is now in his early thirties and is basically a good church person who wouldn’t hurt a fly. I think he still lives with his mother, yet something has happened in his life (a damaging seminar? Cult? …or false teachings of only being able to love one parent?) to cause him to suddenly become estranged from me and my side of the family.
Itās been four years since he cut off contact and since then doesn’t communicate or respond in any fashion. He and his mother send back mail as “not at this address.” His mother and I were divorced almost 30 years ago, and I’ve tried to be a loving part-time father as best as I can. When he was young, I made efforts to work close to him for a month at a time so I could spend the evenings during that time trying to be a better part-time father even though I lived in a different state.
Over the years, my new wife and I have included him in many vacations – several overseas. Over the years, we generally talked on the phone on Sunday evenings and eventually started FaceTime calls. However, a month after a beautiful vacation together almost four years ago, he abruptly stopped taking telephone calls and would not respond to texts or emails. He eventually sent back Christmas and birthday cards with checks. It has been very hurtful to me – almost like a death has occurred. How do I cope with my estranged adult child? I don’t even know if he will be around to eventually bury me or if I need to make other arrangements with nieces. He stands to receive a nice inheritance should he lovingly re-enter my life.
Answer
I can see how suddenly losing contact with your son for an unknown reason can be terribly distressing. Despite the challenges of divorce and long-distance parenting, youāve worked hard to keep him as close as possible. Obviously, something has happened, yet youāre not given the opportunity to repair the breach. While you canāt force a relationship with your son, you arenāt powerless to act in the best interest of your relationship with him.
It seems that much of the recorded scripture we have involves examples and stories of how God responds to his children who seem to want nothing to do with him. Instead of irritation and immediate punishment when we ignore him, he faithfully extends his perfect patience and love for us. The following verse comes to mind when I think of this dynamic between God and his stubborn children:
āFor notwithstanding I shall lengthen out mine arm unto them from day to day, they will deny me; nevertheless, I will be merciful unto them, saith the Lord God, if they will repent and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of Hosts.ā[i]
Another beloved reminder is found in the hymn, āCome Thou Fount of Every Blessingā, where the author petitions:
āLet Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to TheeProne to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I loveā[ii]
Your son has made his decision by moving far away from your reach and influence. Heās not giving you the opportunity to choose contact and closeness, but you can still choose how you want to be in relationship to him. Your relationship with him is more than phone calls and vacations. Relationship is how you connect to him through your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. Now is an important moment to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with him.
When we push God the Father away, ignore him, or even curse him, heās made it clear how he still chooses to relate to us. The response of the father in the Saviorās story of the Prodigal Son is a clear reminder of how Father responds to us when weāre non-responsive to his invitations to be in relationship with him.[iii] Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone described this story as a “parable of great hope and compassion”, which, I believe, is the model for how we are to respond to our children when they reject us.[iv]
Understanding the reasons for relationship rupture isnāt a prerequisite for God to continue extending his arm in hope of reclaiming his children. You donāt know why your son pulled away, but you can still stay put in loving relationship to him as you patiently wait for him to return. In your pain, you might be tempted to retaliate by cutting him out of your life emotionally, financially, or even relationally. While I canāt tell you how to respond to him, I want to invite you to measure your responses against your relationship goals for you and you son.
Iām guessing youāve done what you can over the past four years to track him down and establish contact with him. If heās making it clear that he doesnāt want a relationship with you, then accepting this will be one of the most painful, but necessary things you can do to stay emotionally and spiritually healthy. This is a time to reset your expectations for how you thought things would go in your relationship. Accepting this new reality means youāre honoring his agency. It doesnāt mean you forget him or cancel him out of your life.
You can work to have compassion for the confusion and challenges heās endured as a child of divorce. You can work to draw on the love youāve had for him that has motivated you to sacrifice your time, finances, conveniences, pride, and comfort for him all of these years. That same love will help you stay out of a victim mindset and allow you to face him with the same open and loving heart that will receive him when heās ready.
Be careful to not criticize him to others or complain about what heās doing to you. These types of reactions are understandable and quite common, but they will leave you feeling bitter and powerless. Your love is much greater than his distance, so trust your true feelings about him as your son.
If you have legal questions about how to handle your estate upon your eventual passing, Iām sure there are proper ways to handle this without resorting to punishing him. Continue living in a loving and generous way so you know youāre passing on a legacy of love, even though it may not be directly to your son.
Continue to create meaning and purpose in your life as you extend your wisdom, experience, and interest in the lives of your other family members. You have much to give and offer, even if your son isnāt open to receiving it right now. You need to know that your gifts and offerings matter to those around you.
Itās painful to accept that something may never be fully understood in this life. I do trust that you will get answers and there will be repair in a coming day. Center your hope in the great plan of our merciful Heavenly Parents whose sole purpose is to gather their wandering children. President Harold B. Leeās reminded us about how, āWe forget that we have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who are even more concerned, probably, than our earthly father and mother, and that influences from beyond are constantly working to try to help us when we do all we can.ā[v]
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at [email protected]
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of āLove You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelityā, host of the podcast, āFrom Crisis to Connectionā, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.geoffsteurer.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
Instagram: @geoffsteurer
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
[i] 2 Nephi 28:32
[ii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/music/text/other/come-thou-fount-of-every-blessing?lang=eng
[iii] See Luke 15:20
[iv] https://www.thechurchnews.com/archives/1991-04-27/lesson-of-the-prodigal-son-146970
[v] Harold B. Lee, āThe Influence and Responsibility of Women,ā Relief Society Magazine 51, no. 2 (Feb. 1964): 85.
tfJune 10, 2021
I suspect, after the last vacation together, a jealous ex-wife said "no more", if you see him and your (blank step mother again) you're out of here. (Home, support, me). and he made a choice.
Lee ArscottJune 8, 2021
We have a very similar situation in our family. I love this estranged family member deeply. To not have this person active in our family circle leaves a tremendous gaping hole. We pray every day for this person to have a softening of the heart and the courage to reach out to our family again. And of course, we pray for his protection. We love and miss this family member dearly