In the 2007 film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, our hero finds himself in a confrontation with his parents’ murderer, Voldemort, an evil wizard so terrifying that people dare not say his name. Harry has dreaded this moment, which is something his adversary takes full advantage of. Voldemort possesses Harry’s body, tormenting his mind with visions of death and suffering, reminding him of his failings, and taunting him for being “weak.”
It is at this point that Harry sees his friends, who have come to his aide. They watch his agony with love and concern. He thinks on their experiences together, along with all the people who’ve ever loved him and have been kind to him. “You’re the weak one,” he tells his enemy. “You’ll never know love or friendship, and I feel sorry for you.” This realization gives him the strength to cast Voldemort out of his mind and body.
For the first time, Harry sees his nemesis not as a fearful opponent, nor as a hurtful bully, but as a lonely, pathetic individual whose misery causes him to lash out at others. Harry comes to pity his enemy, recognizing that cruelty and selfishness will prevent Voldemort from experiencing the joys of friendship and love.
Hurtful people are not happy people. They are not people who have healthy relationships. Generally speaking, they are insecure, a fact they try to hide from other people and even themselves. For these reasons they are deserving of pity (which is not the same thing as making excuses for them or not holding them accountable for their behavior).
Hurtful people often blame others for their behavior and attitudes. They try to make you believe that, if you were better somehow, then they wouldn’t be so mean. Don’t believe it. Even if you change the behavior they complain about, they tend to find something new about you to criticize.
Cruelty comes from unhappiness. I’m reminded of a quote by an unknown author: “Don’t expect everyone to love you. Most people don’t even love themselves.” It’s true. Self-loathing drives hurtful, critical behavior. It perpetuates the playground mentality of tearing others down to feel good about oneself. Bullies project confidence to convince themselves and others that they’re not as insecure as they actually are.
Remember, people who are cruel choose to be cruel, so don’t take responsibility for the way that they are. Like Harry Potter, choose to pity your enemies instead of fearing them. No matter how many minions they attract, they’re lonely because they’re self-absorbed. When they broadcast how wonderful their lives are, know that they do so to convince others (and themselves) that they’re not miserable.
When you pity cruel people it robs them of their power to hurt you. You come to see their cruelty as a manifestation of their own weakness. This helps you to not take it personally. Then, if you have the strength to do so, love them. Pity leads to compassion, compassion leads to love, and love leads to kindness.
This, of course, reminds us of the Savior’s infinite wisdom in teaching us: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44; 3 Nephi 12:44). Adhering to this teaching helps us to be strong, loving, and unshaken in the face of cruelty, including bullying.
While an unhappy person may not be open to your kindness and may push you away, you can carry love in your heart for them. Love will allow you to rid yourself of animosity towards your enemies, which will help you to be at peace, and might soften their hearts over time.
What do you think of this piece? Agree, disagree, or have something to add? Let me know in the comments below!
Jonathan Decker is a licensed marriage and family therapist available for face-to-face and online webcam sessions. He’s also a film critic for KJZZ-TV, Mormons at the Megaplex, and Movie Dad. His book, 250 Great Movies for Latter-day Families, is available in paperback and Kindle.
AngelApril 24, 2015
Thanks for the reminder. Some bullies are very persistent and very hurtful. It's difficult for a child to understand mature psychology. I agree with the need to get help and for it to stop. I also agree with the importance of coming to see the true motivation behind the hurtful behavior. It is liberating even if it takes years to get ones mind and heart to accept the need to view the bully in a new light...the light of the gospel. For me, that was when I truly began to heal. Thank you, Brother Decker, for another very helpful article.
Renaissance NerdApril 19, 2015
I was bullied quite a bit as a kid, especially in 5th & 6th grade, and from my own experience I can attest to the truth of the author's assertion. I always pitied the bullies, and it works almost like judo--uses their 'strengths' against them. The guy who broke my arm ended up being my best friend in 7th & 8th grade. He was the only one of the group who really felt remorse over the whole thing so it doesn't work on everyone, but it worked on me. Instead of assuming there was something wrong with me that made them bully me, I always felt like there was something wrong with THEM, and that they simply wouldn't understand how small it made them, how pathetic. I would love to be able to explain how exactly I reached that conclusion at the age of 11, but I can't. It was a mix of pre-rational beliefs and logical arguments and I think inspirational insight. I remember the exact moment that it dawned on me, however, and I felt a huge upwelling of pity for the guys pushing me around. After they broke my arm and I didn't cry or rat them out I went from Jim-boob to Jim-boom so it did have a positive effect all around, even if most pretended it had all been an accident. Most importantly, because I pitied instead of resented them, there was no long-term caustic effect on my personality; I pitied everybody who's not me, poor souls.