From the time we start expressing our interest in the opposite sex during adolescence, we begin a process of dealing with romantic rejection – sometimes for the rest of our lives! For many of us, it may be decades until we find the person we wish to accept—who also chooses us permanently. For formerly married mid-life singles, many hated dating the first time around because of the ominous and inevitable prospect of rejection looming over every offer of a date all the way through to a marriage proposal. Being a socially active single adult carries the virtually constant possibility of being rejected by someone you have confessed an interest in—and rejection hurts. The fear of rejection is the primary consideration for many who simply refuse to “get back out there,” even though many do not acknowledge it. How we choose to handle rejection is deeply important and worth diving into since ALL socially active singles deal with it.
Rejection in dating can feel deeply personal. Many understandably receive rejection as a judgment or evaluation of their worth or worthiness as potential spouses. If you have a history of rejection in former relationship(s), it is especially tempting to simply assume there is something inherently inadequate or undesirable about you. Yet, that is not necessarily true. It isn’t even probably true. The fact that another fallible human (or many fallible humans) does not see your inherent value does not mean it isn’t real. The fact that another person doesn’t choose you does not mean that no one will; and it certainly does not mean you are unworthy of being chosen. The fact that one person cannot see your worth as a potential spouse does not mean no one else will. You don’t need everyone you might choose to choose you in return. You only need one!
Dating is a little like trying on shoes. I recently bought some Dr. Marten shoes. In my opinion, they are attractive, comfortable, and last forever. They are well made and of high quality—and the pair I bought fit me well. Some quality shoes will fit me, and others won’t. Some quality shoes might be my size but still don’t fit because they are not compatible with the shape of my foot and don’t feel right when I put them on. Deciding that a particular shoe isn’t the right one for me doesn’t mean it lacks quality or that there is anything inherently wrong with it. No shoe is the right fit for every foot. If we remember this analogy in the realm of dating, we can better understand that rejection in the dating realm doesn’t mean you lack value. You will be the perfect fit for the right person! Keep these ideas in mind and you can practice healthier thought processes about rejection in dating and maintain your feeling of self-worth.
This analogy reminds me of a beautiful, kind, and insightful woman I met during my mid-single years. I initially found her online. We connected quickly and easily, and literally moved to an in-person date in one day. I was so excited! I thought there was a strong chance she could even be the one for me. She was excited too and had the same thoughts! So, we both arrived at the place of our date brimming with anticipation. During a two-hour conversation, however, this lovely woman told me she was not active in the church and had no plans to become active in the future. Her relationship with God was not a central part of her way of life. I was immediately crestfallen. My spiritual life and my hope for an eternal relationship were very real to me—and something I wanted to be part of any permanent love relationship. I told her this and she seemed immediately crestfallen too. She told me kindly that she thought we probably were not a match and should not waste both of our time – and it hurt a little. But, deep down, I knew she was right. Was she a quality person? Absolutely. Was I attracted to her? Without question I was. Did we have a great connection and enjoy talking to each other? Yes, it was natural and instant and felt like water in the desert. As great as she was, she was not the right fit for me—and that is the way of things. (I still think of her as a friend, and I was very happy for her when I saw her marriage announced on Facebook.) Neither of us interpreted our lack of “fit” as a reflection of any unworthiness or deficiency in the other person.
Along your dating journey if you need to give bad news – be clear and assertive while also being caring and compassionate. If you are receiving bad news, respond with class and be kind. Responding with “Christlike poise” will allow you to maintain valuable associations that may lead you to your eternal companion. Cathy and I have had several experiences with this—most prominently, one of her former dating partners married her best friend. This dating partner handled Cathy’s choice of someone else (me) with the utmost class and kindness. He ultimately found a kindred spirit and truly special connection in the wonderful woman who is now his wife. What if he had handled Cathy’s decision with petty complaining, accusations, and resentment? He would have lost out on the greatest blessing of his life. How you handle disappointment says a lot about who you are and, ultimately, the qualities of the person you will end up with. Remember that “light cleaveth unto light” (Doctrine & Covenants 88:40).
Dating at midlife is more complicated than it was in our twenties. We develop relationships between people that already have many responsibilities traditionally associated with marriage including: careers, paying living expenses, acquiring homes, children (minor or grown), and patterns of family and church engagement. Despite these commonalities with marriage, new relationships generally lack long-term commitments at their inception. Taking time to make exclusive commitments is healthy when getting to know a new partner. Over time, however, as we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and get more attached and invested, the risk of painful rejection increases. Yet the risk of rejection and loss is the price of admission for finding lasting love.
It can be temporarily difficult to maintain hope for a bright future when going through the pain of rejection and loss on your journey to finding your forever companion. We can testify from our own experience that, when you are finally blessed with what you want most, it is worth the pain you may have experienced along the way! Remember that your worth and desirability do not depend on the judgment of a few (or many) people. The Lord knows how to close the wrong doors with rejection and open the doors that will put the right people in your path. In those moments when you cannot foresee the blessing of a joyful marriage in your future, remember that “hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it” (Romans 8:24-25). Hope on, trust on, and be brave!
NEW PODCAST & VIDEOS
Over the next 3 weeks we will be diving into “REJECTION” on LILY Pod to help you become a master at dealing with rejection. Stay tuned as we start with “Rejection is Along for the Single Ride,” followed by “Giving Rejection Well” and “Receiving Rejection with Grace.”
LILY Pod: Rejection is Along for the Single Ride
LILY Tube: Time Heals All Wounds – NOT!
LILY Short: Life Design After Divorce COURSE
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Discover 6-Steps to recover from divorce and design a life you love with Jeff & Cathy’s “Life Design After Divorce” 12-week COURSE. Register here: lilywebinars.com/order-page
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email:
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