(adapted from an article previously published in The Exponent II)

Many years ago, my husband and I were visiting my parents when they received some very sad news. A couple in their ward had just found out that their baby had died in utero at seven months gestation. I was pregnant at the time myself, and my husband and I were struck with the sadness of the loss that had come to this couple.

Later that night, we discussed the gospel implications of a stillborn child. We’d never thought much about it before, but it turns out there is no specific doctrine that promises salvation or resurrection to children who die late in the pregnancy but before birth. Nevertheless, as we talked about it, we felt sure that the Lord had a plan for those families, and that certainly those babies would be entitled to resurrection and salvation. We said a prayer together, asking the Lord to bless this couple as they wrestled with the loss of their unborn baby.

There was a world of difference between a doctrinal issue that relates to someone else’s baby, and the same issue when it related to my baby.

Four months later, on the very eve of delivery, my husband and I were told that our own precious girl had died in the womb. The emotional blow was devastating. We were reeling. And, as it turned out, our earlier conversation about the status of unborn children in the gospel was of no help at all. We had been comforted by our one-time musings when it was somebody else’s baby, but for our own treasured baby, it was not that simple! This time, our prayers and conversations were lengthy and desperate. It was life or death for us, to know what the Lord intended for our unborn girl.

In the end, we were given specific comfort and counsel and promises. We are confident it will be all right in the end. But the process—and the emotional and spiritual stakes for us personally—were so vastly different it might well have been an entirely unrelated scenario. There was a world of difference between a doctrinal issue that relates to someone else’s baby, and the same issue when it related to my baby.

I want to draw a comparison with the way that men and women in the Church think about issues of gender equality.

It is very confusing for girls to grow up in the Church, being told on the one hand that all are “equal before God” but on the other hand seeing that men and women are not treated the same and do not have the same roles.

I believe that most of you men who read this article have great respect for women and their unique strengths and roles. I do not believe there is systemic sexism in the Church and I have a powerful witness that our General Authorities are leading the Lord’s Church in His way, and that the priesthood differences between men and women in this mortal church are ordained by the Lord himself. I beg you not to misinterpret my remarks as criticism of the Church and its administrative priesthood.

However, my brothers in the gospel, I do want to say that when it comes to issues of gender, this is not your baby.

What you go through to get answers about gender issues in the Church is nothing like what your mothers, sisters, and daughters experience when they search for those answers themselves. The women who struggle and pore over scriptures, blog posts, Ensign articles, Sunday School talks, and wrestle with the Lord in prayer to come to an understanding of their role in the plan, may generally share your conclusions and feel a similar witness. But the process and experience are vastly different.

We live in a culture that assumes, even insists, that it is always problematic when men and women are treated differently. We live in a society where equality of value is associated with identity of experience. We live in a society that increasingly insists that there is nothing uniquely valuable about men, and thinks a woman’s worth must be measured against traditional male achievements. We live in a culture where a club, business, or team composed of only men is assumed to be one where women are disdained and devalued.

These ideas, conveyed throughout our culture, are powerful forces, and can make it very difficult for our brains to accept aspects of the gospel that differ from them. A girl may be raised in the Church, but she is still raised in a culture that is defensive about her role and suspicious of her nurturing inclinations, and that is not simple to overcome.

These questions are not moral failings. It is not faithless for a woman to see these differences and wonder, “Is there something about being a woman, that makes me unworthy or unfit for the public leadership roles of the gospel?” Is it the obvious question.

It is, in fact, contrary to the gospel for women to be mistreated, disdained, ignored, or considered second-class. But it is then very confusing for girls to grow up in the Church, being told on the one hand that all are “equal before God” but on the other hand seeing that men and women are not treated the same and do not have the same roles.

Girls and women will see public roles for men and not for themselves; they may receive no visible rewards for their lifetime of humble service while their fathers, husbands, and sons sit weekly and publicly on the stand; they may have seen their mothers and grandmothers live saintly, service-oriented lives without ever once attending a Ward Council or having any say whatever in the processes and practices of their congregations. For them, the question of the status of women in the Church is deeply, poignantly, intensely personal.

It is not faithless for a woman to see these differences and wonder, “Is there something about being a woman, that makes me unworthy or unfit for the public leadership roles of the gospel?” It is the obvious question. It is not faithless to sincerely ask, “I feel spiritually like God loves me and values me the same as a man, so if the Church doesn’t treat me the same as a man, how can it be true?”

These questions are not moral failings. They are the consequence of living in a culture that prompts and encourages such questions without providing any true answers. Women who ask such questions and wonder about these issues are doing exactly the right thing—they are asking questions that can lead to great revelation and understanding! These questions are risky and dangerous only to the extent the women who ask them have only critical, secular voices to turn to for answers.

The simple fact is that a woman’s experience in the Church is different from a man’s.

The simple fact is that a woman’s experience in the Church is different from a man’s. These different experiences, we must acknowledge, do not tend to favor and highlight the women. As women seek for answers to their questions, they may turn to their local priesthood leaders for guidance—who, because they are local priesthood leaders, can’t identify with the specific concerns and pains unique to women in the Church! It’s not their baby, so they don’t always know what to say that will truly help.

The Church is true, there are answers and comfort for women, and the Savior will return and all this will turn out fine. But in the meantime many women are in a position of wondering, deeply and painfully, about their status before the Lord. If you, as a local leader or even male family member or friend, find yourself wondering “What in the world can I say to help, without “mansplaining” or making things worse?” consider these four thoughts.

1.  Avoid danger: Gain a testimony of the prophets and the priesthood organization.

One danger you confront in thinking about the emotional difficulties faced by women in a male-directed Church, is in taking the cultural assumptions about equality so seriously that you begin to doubt the legitimacy of the priesthood. Just because our modern secular culture makes it difficult to navigate gender issues, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the Church or the priesthood. Women are not better off if their concerns lead them (or you) away from faith in the Church and the prophets!

Think how powerful it would be for the girls and women you minister to, to hear from their bishop, stake president, general authority, or husband: “I have fasted and prayed about this and I can bear personal testimony that your spiritual destiny and worth are the same as mine, and that your contributions, strength, intelligence are crucial to building the kingdom.”

To be a useful, faithful sounding-board for a woman’s concerns, pains, and fears—or even just casual questions—a leader should be confident in the Church and the priesthood. It can’t hurt to seek a specific confirmation, just as you sought a confirmation of the Book of Mormon or the First Vision. Gain assurance that the Lord is directing His Church and that his prophets are doing His will when they administer the Church this way in our time.

2.  Gain a testimony of the equality and value of women

Second, seek a personal witness of the spiritual equality of women. There are many things you can say about Church doctrine to counteract the false claims of culture (some of them in point 4), but more important than all of them is your personal testimony.

Think how powerful it would be for the girls and women you minister to, to hear from their bishop, stake president, general authority, or husband: “I have fasted and prayed about this, and I can bear personal testimony that your spiritual destiny and worth are the same as mine, and that your contributions, strength, and intelligence are crucial to building the kingdom.”

Many women are troubled by noticing that the administrative Church could run every Sunday—the sacrament could be blessed and administered, confirmations and baby blessings could be given, every calling could be filled—even if there was not a single female present. The same could not be said if there were no men.

This observation, as you can imagine, leaves many women wondering if they are simply unnecessary. You will not be able to help a woman feel important and necessary if you are not personally convinced that she is important and necessary. That will require a testimony of the worth of women, and also of the fact that the crucial work of the Church is done in the faithful daily lives of the Saints, not in Sacrament meeting.

You may be thinking, “Well, of course women are equal to men, of course they contribute, I can skip this step!” I would remind you, again, that “Well, of course” is not going to suffice for many women, especially if they have been mistreated by men in their lives or callings. Remember it is their baby, not yours. If you want to give them the foundation and comfort they need to proceed with faithfully seeking answers to deeply painful questions, you would be wise to aim higher than “Well, of course” in your own testimony.

3.  Focus on compassion rather than criticism

Third, have compassion, recognizing that a woman’s experience in the Church is unavoidably different from yours.

Women who are troubled by gender issues in the Church are responding to actual differences, not imaginary ones. In some cases, they are also dealing with real mistreatment from priesthood leaders or male family members. Dismissiveness and impatience from another male priesthood will not improve the situation.

I have, unfortunately, encountered men who dismiss women’s concerns with attitudes like: “She should be more faithful, then it wouldn’t bother her so much.” The same has been said about women who mourned after losing a baby, and yet, it is clearly not a Christlike way to respond. When a child dies you should rush to comfort its parents and support them. You would be sad if they let their grief blind them to the comforts of the gospel, but you would not tell them their pain itself is unreasonable or misplaced!

Women do not hold priesthood keys and rarely appear in scripture; they hold fewer callings and speak less often in General Conference; it is not unreasonable or unfaithful of them to be motivated to figure out why. Women who are troubled by gender issues in the Church are responding to actual differences, not imaginary ones. In some cases, they are also dealing with real mistreatment from priesthood leaders or male family members. Dismissiveness and impatience from another male priesthood leader will not improve the situation.

In #4 below I’ll mention some aspects of the gospel that are often helpful to those struggling with gender issues. But it is important not to assume that the  understanding you have should be sufficient to answer her questions. She is having a very different experience with Church membership than you are, and your thoughts might not be helpful. Your ability to demonstrate Christlike love and intellectual humility as a leader in the Church will matter more than your reasoning or your marshaling of facts and evidence.

4.  Teach true doctrine: Stop saying women “don’t have” the priesthood

Fourth, remember that the true doctrine of Christ is always going to be more fair and just and beautiful and inspiring than whatever assumptions our fallen culture is making. We don’t need to be afraid of true doctrine, but we do need to make sure that what we’re teaching is, in fact, true doctrine.

We don’t need to be afraid of true doctrine, but we do need to make sure that what we’re teaching is, in fact, true doctrine.

For example, I have often heard that “men have the priesthood and women do not,” but that’s not actually true. The truth is that the keys of the administration of the priesthood are reserved for men in this dispensation. But the priesthood power to bless others in their relationships and callings is given to all the disciples of Christ. (See this article here.) Our general authorities in the past few years have been speaking out more and more to express that the women of the church have access to priesthood power and authority in their homes and callings. There is simply no reason to teach girls that they will never have “the priesthood” just because they will not have keys.

It is also not true that only men perform priesthood ordinances. Girls can truthfully be taught, and women can be reminded, that endowed women perform priesthood ordinances in the temple. They should also be taught and reminded that the preparation to officiate in priesthood ordinances is explicitly given to both men and women in the temple endowment. They should understand that eternal authority and leadership are promised to women in the sealing ceremony.

Women perform ordinances in the temple. The preparation to officiate in priesthood ordinances is explicitly given to both men and women in the temple endowment. Authority and leadership are promised to women in the sealing ceremony.

These are powerful proofs that there is nothing in our doctrine that says women are somehow unsuited to ordinance work or leadership. Whatever the reasons why men and women have different roles in the administration of the latter-day Church here in mortality, the temple shows that those differences are not based in worthiness or value or eternal potential. The temple shows that the eternal, heavenly administration of the priesthood is going to look different than it does in our current dispensation. These gospel truths can be shared with unendowed women and girls without violating the sacred nature of the temple.

Remember that the practices and policies related to the exercise of priesthood authority have differed over time and across peoples and cultures. How priesthood is administered is therefore not a matter of doctrine, but of practice.

It is not our doctrine that only men hold priesthood keys; it is our doctrine that we follow the word of the Lord as it is revealed to His servants the prophets. The organization of the Church as revealed to Joseph Smith and subsequent prophets is not up for debate. But that does not mean we have to assume the particular organization of the Church in our dispensation is an eternal principle. Our doctrine is that men and women are endowed with priesthood power and knowledge in holy temples, and are sealed together to further the great work of the Lord in full spiritual equality. Our doctrine is that women can be exalted, redeemed, perfected, and purified, and can claim endless, unfathomable glory and power for all eternity!

The sad truth is that the world has nothing to offer women beyond the promise of economic equality with men. Economic equality is a good thing, but it is paltry compared with the promises of the temple.

5.  Seek for ways to minimize discomfort

Finally, if you are in a leadership position, it’s a good idea to think about ways you can show your sisters their worth before they even come to you with questions.

You will be most helpful to the degree you humbly acknowledge that a woman’s experience is different and legitimate, develop a testimony of both the administrative priesthood and the eternal priesthood destiny of women, and put that testimony into action by looking for ways to acknowledge and rely on women’s strengths.

Recent updates to policies and temple language demonstrate this very thing. Our temple doctrine has not changed, but certain language that can be taken to imply female inequality has been clarified. Women and girls are now explicitly allowed to participate in ordinances that don’t depend on keys, like acting as witness in a baptism. Women are assigned to speak in meetings on their own, not only as couples. Our prophets have set the example that – without compromising the priesthood as the Lord has arranged it – men in leadership roles can update and improve local congregational habits, practices, and policies that create unnecessary stress for women.

As a leader you have great flexibility in what you announce from the pulpit, whether or not you quote female General Officers in your own talks, whether female stake leaders are assigned to speak in wards, how much you support the Young Women and Primary, who you consult before making decisions, whether you delegate non-priesthood ward responsibilities to women, etc. Use that flexibility and the guidance of the Spirit in thinking of ways to use the women who serve the Lord faithfully and quietly and who could be an example and inspiration to others.

The women you already know and love doubtless have ideas of their own that you could also explore.

Conclusion

Brethren, your sisters in the gospel overcome much societal and cultural pressure to maintain their faith in a religion that looks sexist and backward to many outside eyes. They have to confront and overcome many soul-wrenching personal questions, and tragically, sometimes the disdain and disrespect of priesthood leaders or male family members. Sometimes men say the wrong thing in response, not through unkindness but simply because the issue is not one they face personally.

Your status as a person with priesthood keys and priesthood office does not give you insight into the sometimes-painful experience of a woman in the Church—rather the opposite. You will be most helpful to the degree you humbly acknowledge that a woman’s experience is different and legitimate, develop a testimony of both the administrative priesthood and the eternal priesthood destiny of women, and put that testimony into action by looking for ways to acknowledge and rely on women’s strengths.

This is the Lord’s Church, and He is anxious to help His daughters deal with the questions relevant to their experiences in life and in the Church. He has given them a unique trial, which, like all trials, will lead to their greater power and strength as they face the last days. It is nothing to dread or fear, but a challenge to accept head-on and embrace! Just remember, as you support and acknowledge the unique challenges faced by women, that this is not your baby.

Kimberly White is co-author with her father, Duane Boyce, of The Last Safe Place: Seven Principles for Standing with the Prophets in Troubled Times, coming in 2022 from Meridian Publishing.