We have just finished celebrating another Fathers’ Day and Mothers’ Day, much to the relief of many middle-aged single men and women who thought they would have had children by now. For those who unexpectedly find themselves childless in their middle years, the coming of these two holidays can be a painful reminder of blessings that have, thus far, eluded them. In a family-oriented Church, those without children can sometimes feel left out of the conversations pertinent to most of their fellow saints. They often feel like they don’t have a place in the social fellowship of the Church.
I want to reassure the many childless Latter-day Saints that their influence in the life of the Church and the lives of many children is much needed. I suggest to you the following ways of understanding and making the most of your situation:
- Understand that your childless condition is not your fault. Whether being childless is a result of being single or because of medical issues, you need not worry that it is your fault. When Jesus encountered a man blind from birth, “his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him “(John 9:2-3). God has given you a non-traditional path so the works of God can be made manifest in you. These works of God can be a blessing to you and others if you let them.
- You can be a parent without the official title. When my older son was 14 and my younger son was 10, a 12-year-old boy in our neighborhood came over one evening to watch movies with us and stayed two years. (Okay, I exaggerate.) But this boy’s mother had recently died, and his father was frequently out of town on business. The kids were often left to fend for themselves. This young boy became part of our family. He was on our cell phone plan and had a key to our home. He is almost 30 years old now and we still consider him part of our family. I have referred to him for many years as “my honorary son” and that is how I see him. Cathy and I have an additional honorary son, three honorary daughters, and an honorary grandchild. Each has added richness and joy to our lives.When I was at the graveside service for my son in 2022, I saw his best friend sitting by the grave sobbing. I felt compassion and sat down by him. I said, “this is hard, isn’t it?” He nodded. I put my arm around him and said, “a couple of years ago you lost your dad. Now I have lost my son. I can’t replace your dad, and you can’t replace my son. But you can be another son to me, and I will be a father whenever you need one.” This young man’s wife had a baby several months later and they named him Henry, after the son I lost. This honorary son and grandson will always be special to me.Look around for opportunities. Many children lack positive adult role models or have single parents who are stretched to the limit and would love to have the help of an “honorary parent” to love their child or children.
- You may become a stepparent. Sister Wendy Nelson always assumed she would marry in her 20s and have many children. While she was preparing to do that, she pursued advanced education and became a professor. She had not married until she was 50 years old, when she married an Apostle with ten children. She is now the matriarch of a very large family, and wife to the president of the Church. Together, they have visited 85 countries. She views her life path as uniquely designed for her as she relishes her roles as a mother and grandmother, which did not come to her until she was middle aged.A couple of years ago, I was talking to a friend of mine on zoom about a business matter. My 13-year-old stepson came into the room, said goodnight, told me he loved me, and kissed me on the forehead. My friend said, “that just gave me so much hope!” He was in the middle of marrying a woman who had children, and it was important to him to build a family relationship with them. If you are childless but beyond child-bearing years, you may marry someone with children, and you can take the opportunity to build a loving relationship with them. Building a relationship with stepchildren takes work—but so does creating a relationship with your biological children. If you are blessed with stepchildren, make up your mind to love them like your own. Those relationships can be deeply meaningful if you allow them to be.
- You can be a family by choice and not just by blood. I served my mission in Queensland, Australia among many Polynesians. A few years later, I served as a law clerk to the Chief Justice of American Samoa, living in a place where 90 percent of the population was made up of native Samoans. Living among them, I learned that their culture defines a family more by love than by blood. I love that element of Polynesian culture.Three Christmases ago, I received a call from a Maori friend from New Zealand who I served with in the mission field. We got together for a late lunch with our wives and had a marvelous time catching up and learning about one another’s lives since our mission days. This friend also brought his two daughters who both lived in the United States. One of them told us she played basketball for BYU and offered to get us tickets to games if we wanted. I am a sports fan, and I asked her how many tickets she could get. She responded, “You are family so I can get as many as you want.”Understand that she considered me family the first time I met her. From that day forward, she has always called me “Uncle.” We went to several of her games at BYU, took her to dinner, attended her wedding reception, and we have built a relationship. She even invited us to her temple sealing in New Zealand. (Regrettably, we were unable to arrange the international travel so near the date.) She is a strong and beautiful young woman, and I consider her my niece too! Think of how much I might have missed out on if I was stuck in the kind of thinking that only blood connections count as family. Get to know the children of your close friends. They can bless your life in many ways, and you can bless theirs.
- Niece and nephew relationships can be very meaningful. Sister Sheri L Dew, who has twice been a general officer of the Church, has never been married. She is intelligent, beautiful, and deeply spiritual. She has developed close relationships with nieces and nephews, taking them on international trips, and becoming a close and trusted friend to them. While I am sure Sister Dew had longed for a marriage and children of her own, she has been an incredible blessing to her nieces and nephews.A day before writing of this article, I drove with Cathy to the Manti temple to join my nephew, Kyle, as he received his endowment. He is preparing to serve a mission in Australia where both his father and I served. Kyle already has a very good father. But I am nonetheless grateful to have such a great nephew and the opportunity to support him as he serves a mission in the same country I served in and grew to love. I believe that there I tings I can do as an uncle to help my nieces and nephews have good character and happy lives. And I can be a source of fun for them.I also have a cousin who has two sons who are close in age to my sons. My sons did not have any male first cousins their age, so I was happy they had these two second cousins as they were growing up. I saw the younger of these men at his grandfather’s funeral earlier this year. We arranged to have dinner together and his father thanked me for taking him out. My cousin is an excellent father and close to his sons. But there are times in the life of every parent where they know their child will hear certain counsel better from someone else. You can be that type of trusted confidant and counselor for your nieces and nephews if you invest the time to build meaningful relationships with them.
Being middle-aged and childless can be painful when you have imagined your life very differently when you were younger. I thought I would have several children of my own. I had two of my own and one of them was tragically killed in a rock-climbing accident at age 24. But, in addition to my remaining son, I have honorary children, nieces and nephews, and an honorary niece. I tell Cathy that our family is more of a loose confederation than the unified republic I once imagined. They are from different families and at least three different ethnicities. But I consider them all family, and my life is abundantly blessed because of it.
God has put it in your heart to love a child and be a source of support and strength to him or her. Even if you don’t have children of your own, you can be a father or a mother in a special way. I encourage you to build a larger family circle and be a mother or father whether you have children of your own or not.
Resources:
Cathy and I put together special playlists to support single parents, step parents, and for men and women who don’t have children yet. We love and appreciate all you do for the children in your lives!
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email: lo**************@***il.com
